Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):
Whether you love football or not, you love chicken wings more. Who knows this information, is up to you. This super bowl, choose who you tell carefully. You do not want to get cut off from the chicken wings.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20):
Every time you see a potato, you think more about your secret dream of becoming a potato farmer. Will you move to Maine, maybe Ireland? It doesnt matter, as long as your can be with your sweet sweet spuds.
Aries (March 21 – April 19):
Yes, The X-Files are back on TV. However, that is no reason to act elitist about your long history with the show. People know you’re cool. You don’t need to rub it in.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
You think to yourself; its time to start a secret society of your own. The biggest obstacle, how to get people to join, who do you tell? It’s supposed to be a secret. Also, What is your secret going to be?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
You always take your first date to Thai food. Why? Because you refuse to date people with food allergies. Well, they are lactose intolerant, now you are engaged to a lactoid. Enjoy your cheese free life, idiot.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
You conveniently switch from dating a Patriots fan, to a Broncos fan, but before Super Bowl 50. Crisis averted… you weird flip flopping football interloper scum bag.
Leo (July 23 – August 22):
If you re-post these horoscopes, the government is going to know about it. However, the stars really don’t think they will care. Actually, they really don’t care about most things you do. You just have to accept that. Get a jump on your taxes.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22):
You get invited to three Super Bowl parties this week. Make them compete for your attendance. Drop subtle hints about what snacks you like, what you would like to drink, and who you want uninvited to the shindig.
Libra (September 23 – October 22):
Valentines day is coming up quick, and you don’t have a valentine. You burned through your tinder matches, and you are too cheap for match.com, or to buy someone a drink. The stars think its time you called that number written on the wall in the McDonalds bathroom. It says “for a good time”, and you always have a good time at McDonalds.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):
Singles Awareness on Valentines Day is actually a thing. It’s called “SAD” for short. SO when you are sad this Valentines day, just remember, there is a word for that, and it’s SAD.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):
The average number of attendees at a super bowl party is 17. Which makes you consider, “how many of my friends are average?” Jeez, people have boring friends. Yours aren’t average at all.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):
If you want a dog, but your partner doesn’t want a dog, just get the dog, and call it a Super Bowl present. If your love is angry with you, just try the same thing again next weekend, but call it a Valentines day present. Who cares if you have only been dating a week.