Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that won’t recognize the sovereignty of Subway restaurants until they finally develop and release the footlong ice cream sandwich.
This is it. The moment we’ve all been dreading. The very last football game of the season. We are only a few days away from the dreaded offseason, where baseball will be thrust upon us like so many outdated books in high school English and we sit on our hands until the Baby Boomers die and we are free from the hell they have perpetuated. We are left to grasp at annoying, nothing stories for seven months pretending that anything really matters before September comes and we’re all sick of being sweaty outside. Seven goddamned months of speculation about Johnny Football and measurements of 21 year olds’ wingspans and teams trying desperately to keep their players without giving them the money they’re worth and then trying to weasel out of whatever money they gave them when their limb comes flying off in the preseason.
BUT… there’s still one game left. We don’t have to think about any of this garbage until we wake up hungover on Monday with our mouths tasting like couch pennies and our bodies trying to hang on to whatever combination of meat, cheese, and condiments still resides in our stomachs. FUCK YOU MONDAY THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM!
What strange wonders may await us in this final matchup? In the 50th Super Bowl? In the town that invented both jeans and the Super Bowl: Santa Clara, California? I’m going to try to prognosticate for you shameless slug children and if you don’t like what I have to say you can go ahead and make me feel bad about it online and I’ll probably think about it far too often than is good for my mental health and personal well-being.
I will start again this year by going over a few prop bets that I find interesting or weird or stupid. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 2-0. There is no home team in the Super Bowl because the Super Bowl is always hosted in cities with wretched excuses for NFL franchises.
O/U RUSHING ATTEMPTS: Cam Newton over 8.5 -150, Peyton Manning over 1.5 +203
Hmmm… LOOKS LIKE RACISM TO ME. I like the over for both of these and I’m not sure why but I feel like maybe Peyton will fall down a couple of times just past the line of scrimmage so Phil and Jim can praise him for his guts and football IQ and maybe blow him a kiss and make him a tiny paper heart valentine that they are too shy to give to him but then they regret it later when they see him making out with Al Michaels at prom.
GATORADE THROWN ON COACH: Blue +578
It was blue last year and I was kicking myself that I didn’t take it at similar odds. Why do people not understand that blue is the most popular flavor of things? Not only that, but blue figures prominently into the color schemes of both teams! BET AGAINST BLUE AT YOUR OWN PERIL! You could also bet NO GATORADE/LIQUID at +1646 which would be awesome if it were to happen because I can picture Gary Kubiak or Ron Rivera standing there like a pud just waiting for that Gatorade bath to come and pretending like it didn’t matter even though each of them has probably been waiting for it their entire coaching career. “There’s coach Rivera, inching closer and closer to that Gatorade jug. It looks like he’s fanning himself with his clipboard. Must be very warm. Did he just grab Ted Ginn’s hand and try to place it on the jug? Why is he calling these timeouts while his team is taking a knee? He just took off that rain poncho and threw it to the ground in disgust! Jeem I’ve never seen a coach pout like that. It shows that even in victory he still wants his team to strive towards perfection.”
WILL PEYTON MANNING CRY DURING THE LIVE BROADCAST: Yes +600
Hell yeah Peyton is going to cry. Peyton is nothing if not a brand manager, and nothing will sell him as a sympathetic lunchpail-carrying working-man’s hero better than a few tears to cap off what may or may not be his final game. Of course I would much prefer the petulant-baby-crying that we know full well he is capable of, but Peyton knows when to turn it on for the cameras. If he pulls off a win in this game he’ll break into a full blubber and then bottle and sell his tears as a cure for Russell Wilson’s concussions.
WILL MIKE CAREY BE WRONG ABOUT A CHALLENGE: Yes +110
Haha, suck it Mike Carey
Okay, and now the pick for the actual game, which I probably should have put more thought into but really what’s the point since global warming is killing us all and McDonald’s sells mozzarella sticks now?
CAROLINA -5.5 vs. DENVER
I have tried to entertain a few different scenarios for the outcome of this game but my brain and my gut keep landing on BLOODBATH and when my brain and my gut are working in unison I can drink like a hundred beers before I get sick or arrested.
What can’t Carolina do, exactly? I have been waiting all season for them to answer that question and they refuse to do it so I give up. They have been the most complete team in the NFL by a mile this year and what the hell is Denver bringing to the table that I can expect them to disrupt this? Even if the Broncos find an answer for the Panthers’ offense Carolina’s D will score six touchdowns and then Peyton will shoot a Microsoft tablet with a gun.
Denver’s pass rush was terrifying in the AFC Championship, but how the hell are you going to set your defensive ends loose against this rushing offense? If these ends break contain then Cam Newton is going to rub his dick and balls all over America’s chin and we’re going to have to read a bunch of “How am I supposed to explain to my children that Cam Newton rubbed his dick and balls all over my chin?” editorials for a whole week. Wade is going to bring pressure up the middle and sit there like a fucking doofus when it doesn’t work and he’s staring at a play sheet that consists entirely of the word “BLITZ?” crossed out with red marker.
Am I being foolish to completely look past Denver in this game? Some may say that I am. But to those people I will say “shove it, buster” because I AM NOT IN THE MOOD. If Denver wins this game or even covers then I’m just going to set all of my money on fire and become a drifter until I get hassled by some teens and realize that life on the road is dangerous and not for me but by then I will have been out of the work force for too long to pick up a decent job and I’ll end up having to work outside doing some bullshit where birds could scare me at literally any moment. GREAT THANKS NOW YOU HAVE ME WORRIED ABOUT BIRDS IN THE FUTURE.
Whatever. Denver is not winning this game and they are not covering this spread. Cam Newton is going to moonwalk all the way to Disneyland in his weird-ass loafers that make him look like he cuts the First Lady’s hair.
FINAL SCORE: CAROLINA 38 DENVER 16
LAST WEEK: 2-0 *ambulance arrives much, much too late*
PLAYOFF TOTAL: 3-6-1