Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):
All of your friends with children keep talking about how they don’t have time to do anything. However, it seems they have ample time to take Christmas card pictures, pint them, address them, and send them… to you. You are now far enough into the month of January to throw them away.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):
So, you are obsessed with your birthday, it is your birthday, you only get one of these are year. “People will forget what a megalomaniac you are in a month.” is what you tell yourself, because you are a megalomaniac.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20):
When you get anxious this week, and start to feel down, just remember, we live in a world where puppies playing piano, and turtles eating fruit videos are all just a click away, and that’s just great.
Aries (March 21 – April 19):
You quit smoking for new years, thats great. However, you now hate people who run in the snow more than ever. That’s fine.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
You have been binging on the X-Files via Netflix ever since you heard it was coming back to TV. Not only are you back into aliens, but these new shoulder pads you have been rocking are pretty fly.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
Interesting fact; Apparently, on Jupiter, it rains diamonds. If boys go to get more stupider, you’d think they would be smart enough to do their diamond shopping. While you ponder this, remember not to ponder out loud.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
Nowhere in the nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty does it say Humpty was an egg. Which makes you ask yourself, “am I a Dumpty?
Leo (July 23 – August 22):
A strawberry is not a berry. However, a banana tequnically is a berry. Fruit is lying to you, you were right to not eat it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22):
If an octopus has three hearts, why won’t they love you back? You go to the aquarium, find out.
Libra (September 23 – October 22):
This weather is really making you sniffly. It isn’t until you have runny boogers until you realize just how much you miss hard boogers. Hard boogers are the best.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):
This week you will drop a pants size, but gain a shoe size. You are not sure how to feel, but hey you are never sure how to feel.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):
Some people are scared of the Burger King King, most people are scared of Ronald McDonald, but you? You are scared of Wendy, from Wendy’s. Women are terrifying. Just do what she says. Get a frosty.