Weirdly Specific Horoscope: 1/10 – 1/17. – by Phoebe Angle.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You and your new love decide to go sledding. How romantic and whimsical! However, there is no snow. You just end up ruining somebody’s nice grassy hill.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): It is now two weeks into January. You ask yourself, “is it too late to start ‘sober’ January?” Yes, it is.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): So you kissed a real frog this past New Years Eve, and now thats catching up to you. PETA is involved.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): You decided to cut back on the drinking this year. You haven’t had a drink since New Years Day! However, you feel terrible, you actually feel quite faint! Why? because you didn’t follow through on your other resolution, to stop taking everything literally. You stopped drinking water too.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your friends always tell you that you do a great British accent. For that matter, you might even do a better GERMAN accent! However, that Indian accent you have been working on is going to make you look like an asshole.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): This week, you just start taking the blame for other peoples farts. From toots to silent crop dusters. It feels nice to do things for other people. It feels almost as good as farting does.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You have a dream that you forgot to take out the trash on trash day. Only to wake up to find that tomorrow is trash day, and you did not miss it! This also makes you realize that you are getting old, and your dreams are dying.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You buy yourself a Pomeranian because you’re worth it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): No matter how many people you tell about the band the Mountain Goats, they will not understand until you really shove it down their throats. If they don’t get it then? Well, then they aren’t your friend.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): In preparation of Groundhog Day next month, you have begun to round up all the groundhogs you can dig up, for your ransom. Punxsutawney Phil won’t be able to say no! He will have to say he saw his shadow, to meet your demands! That’s right, you’re also a jerk who wants more winter.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You finally get a job offer today. However, it’s to be the new Ronald McDonald at your local McDonald’s. Upon receiving the offer, you whisper to yourself, “the hunted has become the hunter”. Nobody hears you.