Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):
You discover that if you just wrap yourself up in some blankets, and repeat, “I am a burrito” over and over again, you will stop craving burritos. Hold on to this idea, with enough hard work, and the right publicist, this becomes a diet craze. (The French version they say “crepe”)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):
You have been studying spanish for the past three months in an attempt to impress a girl you know. However, you were accidentally taking Portuguese, and THAT GUY SCAMMED YOU! Now you have to meet a new girl.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):
As an Aquarius, when you are upset, you go from “let’s talk about this” to “2007 pissed off shaved head Brittany Spears” is a second flat. This Holiday season, let Brittany out. Let her out right in line at Macy’s.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20):
You know your best friend loves ducks. However, it is not an appropriate Christmas gift. She doesn’t have anywhere you keep live poultry. Now you must figure out what to do with these ducks.
Aries (March 21 – April 19):
The Stars are sorry to inform you that your Thanksgiving leftovers are not good anymore, and you need to clean your fridge.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
Every time you lie about being “gluten intolerant” an Italian grandmother dies. Stop it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
You will have a dream about moving to Paris. The culture, the people, THE FOOD! You take it as a sign, and decided to move. Now, to Paris Texas or Paris Maine.. you’re not sure which one you went to in the dream.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
You meet an attractive stranger at a bar, and they invites you back to their place to “Netflix and Chill” However, when you get there, they pull out 12 Years a Slave, ON MAILED DVD, and are VERY serious about watching it. You watch it. Then go home, alone, to “Hulu and Masturbate”.
Leo (July 23 – August 22):
This christmas, cool it on the potato salad, you are starting to look like a potato, and not in a good way.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22):
You can’t just start laughing loudly every single time you see, or hear, the number 69. You are going to get fired from your accounting job.
Libra (September 23 – October 22):
Do you know what your friends don’t want for Christmas? IKEA furniture you just didn’t feel like assembling. You just have to take it back to IKEA. You have to.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):
This year, you promised to play Santa Clause for your office family Holiday party. However, you dress up like Ronald McDonald. Why, because fuck that place, you quit.