Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that is commonly used to lure horses onto boats.
The horrible, no good, very bad NFL season from hell continues to get worse. Team continue to slip or climb towards inept mediocrity, and while each week produces a handful of really cool plays, and some games that are back and forth or high scoring, it doesn’t produce many games that are actually “good.”
Last week in Boston, Fox cut away from the Seattle/Minnesota blowout to show a game they called “more competitive.” If you were watching at home you probably thought “Oh good, with more action and competitive balance the game will draw my attention away from my power drinking long enough to keep me upright by seven o’clock.” Well, apparently the guys in the Fox studio had a nice big laugh at your expense, because the game they brought us was Chicago vs. San Francisco, which both teams seemed to be actively trying to lose.
When you call a game competitive, one assumes that at least one team involved will be… you know… competing. Instead, we got to watch an entire half of two teams desperately trying to shoot their own dicks off. Chicago even scored a presumably accidental touchdown which they had to correct by immediately let Blaine Gabbert walk 50 yards into the endzone. They followed that up in overtime by deciding not to cover Torrey Smith on a 70 yard game-winning bomb. In regulation, I can appreciate the strategy of “Blaine Gabbert sucks so let’s make him throw the ball downfield and hope the ball hits a small bug flying by and falls directly into the arms of one of our defenders,” but this is overtime and sometimes that tiny bug drowns in a cup of old tailgate beer. So maybe put a fucking guy on Smith.
Now, this is exactly how the NFL tricks you into thinking everything is fine and the season is exciting. A novice, watching highlights or seeing the scores scroll along the screen probably sees 70 YD GAME WINNING TOUCHDOWN IN OVERTIME and thinks “Wow that must have been a great game!” WRONG! You don’t get the REAL feeling of these “competitive” games by checking out the score or watching some replays. To get the REAL feeling of a game like this you need to imagine watching a magician fuck your significant other for several hours and then just as he reaches orgasm he pulls a $10 bill out of your ear and stuffs it in your pocket.
So with that visual: ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 9-7, and as always, the home team is in caps.
ARIZONA -8.5 vs. Minnesota
Minnesota is having the type of year where they could very well not make the playoffs and everyone will start dissecting the season and wondering how it all went wrong. Some will point to injuries, and others will point to coaching decisions, but if this team does, in fact, miss out on the post-season my pinpoint moment for the inevitable dashing of hopes would be on “getting excited about beating the Raiders.”
Pittsburgh +3 vs. CINCINNATI
I’m still convinced that somehow Pittsburgh is going to end up in the Super Bowl and everyone will spend the whole week leading up talking about how they do things “the right way.” This is despite the fact that their quarterbacks are rapists/dog-killers/grown men named Landry, their coach tries to trip opposing kick returners, they employ local law enforcement as fixers to wash away the sins of their players, and they pretty much invented the whole “ignoring injuries and forcing players to risk their lives on the field” thing that is currently costing the league like a billion dollars. They are a “model” franchise in the NFL’s eyes because the follow the current model of winning every now and then but sucking the rest of the time to give everyone else a chance. Roger Goodell’s dick is probably hard right now thinking about the possibility of handing Ben the Lombardi trophy but that’s a huge mistake because then Ben will smell the horny dick pheromones and his instinct will be to fuck or fight and no matter which one he picks I don’t think anybody’s going to Disney World.
Buffalo -1.5 vs. PHILADELPHIA
CHIP KELLY: BOY GENIUS IS BACK BABY!!! Who knew that in order to win a football game all he had to do was keep his offense off the field for an entire half? *everyone who has ever watched Sam Bradford or Mark Sanchez play football raises their hand*
CAROLINA -7.5 vs. Atlanta
Consider me on-board with the 19-0 Carolina Panthers season. Why? Because it will tear White America apart. I can’t wait for Cam to throw for 4 touchdowns and run for 1 in the Super Bowl and watch the MVP votes roll in for Luke Kuechly and his seven tackles. Donald Trump would probably say the n-word in his next speech. The painfully white mayor of Pittsburgh/Cincinnati/Boston or awkwardly black mayor of Denver would have to do the dab on a local morning show. A bunch of people who criticized Cam before would write glowing articles about how he has “matured” and “become a true leader.” People who like Donald Trump would comment on those articles with the n-word. It would be bedlam. N-word bedlam.
CLEVELAND -1.5 vs. San Francisco
Finally Cleveland has the chance to beat San Francisco in something other than “which city is the best for daytime anonymous gay sex.” (People in San Francisco have jobs.)
Washington +3 vs. CHICAGO
If I could fight a football game I would probably fight this football game.
Detroit PK vs. ST. LOUIS
Could you imagine being the mayor of one of these cities? Do they even elect you, or does a gypsy just throw some leaves into a dirty puddle while the town elders stand around and then a sad elder walks over to their eldest child and draws a charcoal cross on their forehead and then that child becomes mayor? And then they have to ravenously greet passersby with their dirty faces and bean teeth to try to get them to set up a business in their godawful town? I would rather be the younger child who is sacrificed to the wolves, because at least maybe the wolves take pity on you and raise you as one of their own so you can eventually turn against your dirty older sibling and raid their town for supplies.
San Diego +10 vs. KANSAS CITY
I know KC has been hot but who the fuck is laying 10 points with Alex Smith? I would bet my money on Philip Rivers wearing a condom and if it’s a lambskin condom I would bet the rest of my money on Andy Reid NOT eating that condom before I bet ANY of my money on Alex Smith laying ten points.
New Orleans +4 vs. TAMPA BAY
Tampa Bay could go to the playoffs! Which means they will lose this game and cripple their chances! The best part about this Tampa season is that Lovie Smith gets another year! Mediocrity with Lovie Smith! The night watchman of NFL head coaches! “Wait, we left for 12 hours and our team didn’t burn down? I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING LOVIE BUT IT’S INCREDIBLE!” Also I hope Jameis Winston steps on a nail and gets tetanus in his foot and then he is forced to spell tetanus in front of a lot of people.
JACKSONVILLE -1 vs. Indianapolis
Another underrated trend in the NFL this year has been young quarterbacks putting up good numbers against their team’s shitty schedule while their shitty team goes out and sucks. Is Blake Bortles good? Is Derek Carr good? Is Marcus Mariota good? Is Jameis Winston good? I think we can take a look at Joe Flacco, Matt Ryan, Colin Kaepernick, and Josh Freeman and say “fuck no. Fuck no, none of these players are good and YOU WILL NEVER TRICK US AGAIN YOU FUCKING MONSTERS.”
Tennessee +7 vs. NY JETS
You can’t call every game a “revenge game” for Ryan Fitzpatrick after he played for 75% of the teams in the league. “RYAN WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT YOUR TIME IN TENNESSEE ARE YOU REALLY FIRED UP ABOUT THIS GAME BECA– USE THEY DIDN’T WANT YOU ANYMORE?? HOW WOULD IT FEEL TO SHOVE IT IN THEIR FACES THAT THEY LET YOU GO AND NOW WE HAVE YOU AND YOU’RE OURS??!!” “Was that the stadium really close to the airport? Or the one really far away from the airport? I like the ones close to the airport.”
DENVER -7.5 vs. Oakland
I forgot how much I hated Broncos fans until they beat the Patriots two weeks ago. I get that Patriots fans are objectively horrible, as are the fans of teams like the Cowboys, Steelers, Packers (pretty much every team actually…) But I feel like there’s something uniquely terrible about Broncos fans that doesn’t apply to these other fan bases. These people spent an entire offseason clamoring for the team to keep Tim Tebow and were only placated by one of the three best quarterbacks in history putting up the best statistical season by a QB ever. Brian Johnson replacing Bonn Scott in AC/DC didn’t have as much success, and still gets fewer complaints.
GREEN BAY -7 vs. Dallas
Joe Buck and Troy Aikman gon’ get they titties out for this one.
Seattle -9 vs. BALTIMORE
I don’t know who is playing quarterback for the Ravens but I do know that they’re going to have a bad time. This game has the potential to be a bloodbath, so in order to escape from the stadium unscathed, Russell Wilson has to hope he can sneak out while the postgame crowd gives Frank Clark his applause break for beating a woman.
New England -3 vs. HOUSTON
I’m not worrying about the Patriots’ season until they lose this game. *secretly worries about the Patriots season a lot but doesn’t want to tell anybody because it feels stupid after they just won a Super Bowl* BUT I WANT THEM TO WIN ANOTHER ONE!!! *pouts until they win another one which is probably going to happen this year because* ONCE WE GET EDELMAN BACK THOUGH…
MIAMI +1.5 vs. NY Giants
Bunch of old Jews at this game probably complaining about the sun or whatever. I don’t know, you do the voice. You probably did it in your head after the first sentence anyway. What do you need me for?
LAST WEEK: 9-7 *my bones being carelessly kicked by a father and son trying to bond over nature*
SEASON TOTAL: 84-101-7