Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that gets kicked off of mall Santas’ laps for loitering.
Just one week after I claimed that the refs probably weren’t doing that bad of a job and everyone was waiting for the refs to fuck their team over, my team got fucked over so, WHOOPS! THAT ONE IS ON ME GUYS! We are down to one undefeated team, which is the Panthers, and because I have no faith in their ability to run the table despite their kindergarten schedule, that means they will probably do it so, CONGRATULATIONS ON 16-0 CAROLINA YOU FINALLY DID IT IF ONLY YOU WERE A NASCAR THEN PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY CARE!
Every team is currently beat to shit, which is going to make for a sad playoff season when we’re watching Matt Hasselbeck or Brian Hoyer start a game against Landry Jones. There are still six weeks left in the regular season for more star players to be injured, so we certainly haven’t seen the last of them to go down.
Has anybody suggested the idea of a Fantasy Death Pool? If not I call dibs. You pick a player to go down with an injury that keeps him out for at least the next game. If nobody gets injured, the pool rolls over. If multiple people get injured there is a split pay-out. To avoid multiple people picking the same player, there is a weekly draft. I know we’re not supposed to be rooting for players to get injured but GUYS THEY ARE GOING TO GET INJURED ANYWAY, SO WE MIGHT AS WELL BE ABLE TO MAKE MONEY OFF OF THEIR PAIN!!! If this was already somebody else’s idea then I hope they rot in the dirty part of hell where everyone born before we had toilets goes. If nobody else had this idea, then I copyright it and if the State of New York is listening YOU’D BETTER BE READY FOR A FIGHT!
Anyway, ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 9-7. As always, home team is in caps.
Green Bay -3 vs. DETROIT
The most baffling part of Green Bay’s struggles are the people who have come out asking “COULD IT BE BECA– USE MIKE MCCARTHY GAVE UP THE PLAY CALLING?” As if Mike McCarthy being less involved in the on-field operations of your team could somehow be a bad thing. These people need to watch last year’s NFC Championship game and think about what they’re saying. “YOU KNOW, BUSH DID 9/11 AND GOT US INVOLVED IN TWO TERRIBLE WARS, BUT DO YOU THINK THE COUNTRY STRUGGLED BECA– USE HE STOPPED BEING THE PRESIDENT???” Oh holy shit there are people who actually think that… Moving on.
CHICAGO -7 vs. San Francisco
I wonder if Jed York thinks the 49ers beat Baltimore in that Super Bowl and now he’s just putting out a garbage product and coasting because he thinks he earned a grace period. He might not even know how football works. “The fans hate me? What are you talking about? We got this year’s Super Bowl BEFORE THE SEASON EVEN STARTED! They’re going to feel really stupid when all those Super Bowl trucks are driving around here in February.”
Cincinnati -10 vs. CLEVELAND
How am I supposed to figure out if the Bengals are actually any good when every week they’re playing against quarterbacks whose only qualifications are “the other guy relapsed or almost died?”
TENNESSEE -2.5 vs. Jacksonville
And here we once again encounter the teams in the battle to be the worst team in the AFC South which is like battling to be the most racist school in the SEC only nobody is proud of it and people are actively trying to stop it.
Houston +3 vs. BUFFALO
HAHAHAHA THIS GAME HAS PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS WELCOME TO THE NEW NFL MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! Could you imagine JJ Watt on a Rex Ryan defense? They would spend so much time excitedly screaming and spitting in each others’ mouths that they would eventually share all of the same bacteria and blood type. This meshes well with my theory that Rob Ryan is just a random guy who used to be a talented defensive end with a high motor.
MIAMI -4 vs. Baltimore
Matt Schaub is back!!! Wait, why? Why did you do that, Baltimore? Why would you ever do such a thing? What is wrong with you?
Carolina -7 vs. NEW ORLEANS
Sean Payton and Drew Brees will probably both be gone from New Orleans next year, which is weird to think about because after they stopped Hurricane Katrina you would think this town would show them some respect. Brees isn’t a loudmouth show-boater like Cam Newton. If Cam Newton had tried to stop Hurricane Katrina he probably would have just ended up dancing around and making the wind worse so that even more stuff blew down. That’s not the kind of leader you want when your city used to be in turmoil and wants to be in slightly less turmoil. You want a down to earth guy with some shit on his face so you can be like “You know what? I’ve ALSO got shit on my face. This Drew Brees really gets me.”
Seattle PK vs. MINNESOTA
Russell Wilson and Adrian Peterson should play on the same team so that every time AP puts a kid in the hospital Russell can go visit him for the photo op. Streamline the system. Why do I have to think of everything?
Arizona -5.5 vs. ST. LOUIS
Jeff Fisher is saying that when Case Keenum comes back he is the team’s starting quarterback so I don’t want to hear any shit about Jeff Fisher being a dirty coach. He wants to injure ALL players equally. The NFLPA wants the Rams and Fisher held accountable for leaving him in the game and putting the quarterback in danger, to which Fisher replied “If I wanted to put my quarterback in danger I’d just leave my gun in another Dave & Busters.”
TAMPA BAY -1.5 vs. Atlanta
It’s a battle of the last two teams to lose to the Indianapolis Colts and that is all the description this game deserves.
NY GIANTS +2.5 vs. NY Jets
Whoooaaaaa we get to pretend one of these teams is the home team and one is the away team! Just like we pretend these teams are from New York when the city made a concerted effort to banish their disgusting trash fans to New Jersey! They even let the Yankees play in New York City. When these teams play each other the home team should have NEW JERSEY splashed in brown garbage water on the front of their uniforms so they don’t forget that they’re playing for the pride of a frozen swamp that nobody wants to go to.
SAN DIEGO +4 vs. Denver
A lot of dumb speculation and backdoor whispering is going on about the NFL’s Los Angeles move, and the news today is that the owners want the Rams and Chargers to share the Rams’ stadium, presumably so the Raiders will end up moving to San Antonio and Mark Davis’ weird red hair will cause him to fall victim to a Santeria sacrifice cult. Then they can sell the team to a whichever drug cartel has a slightly more palatable criminal record than Jimmy Haslem.
Kansas City -3 vs. OAKLAND
If I had to guess Mark Davis’ feelings about not being able to move to Los Angeles, they would probably be as follows:
- I’m glad my dad’s dead.
- I hope my dad is mad in hell right now.
- I miss my dad.
- I only miss my dad because I wish I could put worms in his breakfast.
- Breakfast Worms would be a good band name. I should call Eric and Doobs.
- I wish Eric and Doobs were my dads.
Philadelphia +10 vs. NEW ENGLAND
Sam Bradford is back this week so shit is going down because Chip Kelly had this planned out all along. He WANTED Dan Snyder’s Dildo Factory to be in first place at this point in the season, because he knew that was the only way to make his team seem like the HEROES.
Also, what movie came out last week? CREED! Which might as well have been called RISE UP PHILADELPHIA BECA– USE ROCKY ISN’T DEAD YET I MEAN KIND OF BUT WE ARE FLOATING TO FREEDOM ON HIS CORPSE!!! And on top of all of that? The USC and Georgia jobs were taken so maybe he’ll have to stick this out in the NFL for another year before he can crawl his way back int- HI URBAN MEYER NOPE NOT CALLING YOU VERY LOUDLY AT NIGHT FOR NO REASON HOW IS YOUR HEART IT’S ME CHIP I SENT YOU A PACKAGE OF AMPHETAMINES AND BACON FAT TO HELP YOU THROUGH THE BOWL SEASON GOOD LUCK I’M ROOTING FOR YOU HAHAHA CHIP KELLY STILL COACH OF THE EAGLES WOOOOOOOOOOO
PITTSBURGH -6.5 vs. Indianapolis
The only way you could follow Ben Roethlisberger around for a week and tell if he has a concussion is if he starts playing four games of chess at once while speaking in a British accent. Otherwise it’s probably something like “Hey, there’s no way this guy can play. He’s been staring at a wall and grunting for 14 hours.” “I don’t know, I met him at a charity gala this summer and he was doing the exact same thing, only he was scratching his chin with a fork.” “Should we… should we give him a fork?”
WASHINGTON -4 vs. Dallas
The Build Your Own Dildos look to take a commanding lead in the division, which is wonderful. I hope Dan Snyder gets to host a playoff game and he trots out a bunch of Puerto Ricans that he met at a bathhouse to wear headdresses and do a special “spirit dance” to commemorate the defeat of the “pale faces” and then the Seahawks come in and win 49-0 while the fans riot and majestic birds rip out his entrails. Nah, that’s too dignified for him. I hope he dies on the toilet only he didn’t make it all the way.
LAST WEEK: 9-7-0 *the bugs digesting my remains take a moment to breathe*
SEASON TOTAL: 75-94-7