Weirdly Specific Horoscopes Inspired by The Twelve Days of Christmas. – by Phoebe Angle and guest psychic Shea Spillane

 

sagittarius48Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): 

This week you finally call animal control about that partridge in your pear tree.  That Fucking bird ate all the fruit this season, and now he’s dead.

via carolinabirds.org

via carolinabirds.org

 

capricorn48Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):

In lieu of two turtle doves you just glue wings and your turtle, and teach your dove how to swim.  How smart are you!

via imaginism.deviantart.com

via imaginism.deviantart.com

 

aquarius48Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):

Your mother will tell you repeatedly that two french hens won’t really be enough for Christmas dinner, but you are an adult, and in charge of the meal.  Just tell her to bring more sides if she’s so worried.

 

pisces48Pisces (February 19 – March 20):

You are going to have a very successful Christmas Eve out at the bars. Four chicks keep texting you until until New Years.   By new years you narrow it down to one, because the other three got tired of being referred to as birds.

 

aries48Aries (March 21 – April 19):

You have Olympic aspirations, and this week you set them in motion.  Curling? no. Skeleton luge? no.  TWO MAN LUGE? YES.  you and your best bud get 5 Olympic rings tattoo on your butt with the gold in sight.

via junkyardfind.com

via junkyardfind.com

 

taurus48Taurus (April 20 – May 20):

Most people don’t know just how hard it is to cook a goose.  It involves blanching and salt baths.   In fact, it took six geese go get it right.  The goose you make this year will be delicious.  So good, that just like after a good turkey dinner, you will have to go lie down.

 

gemini48Gemini (May 21 – June 20):

You head down to the Boston Common and STEAL a swan boat with Seven of your friends.  Seven people fit on the boat just fine, but your drunk asses fall in the pond. You end up Seven drunk idiots a swimming.

via universalhub.com

via universalhub.com

 

cancer48Cancer (June 21 – July 22):

You run into 8 breastfeeding women at the park.  Though you support their right to breast feed wherever they want! You buy those girls breast pumps, because it’s Christmas!

 

leo48Leo (July 23 – August 22):

You run into a bachelorette party for a Christmas wedding.   Those nine ladies can really cut a rug.  You meet the lady of your dreams that night… too bad its the bride.

 

virgo48Virgo (August 23 – September 22):

You haven’t seen a basketball game in a while, what better place to see ten lords a-leaping. Exactly 10 lords of the game!  Way to get into the holiday spirit!

 

libra48Libra (September 23 – October 22):

Avoid your pot head friends this week, they roll in packs of eleven this season.  11 pipes pipering around your apartment, is going to make your landlord really rethink renewing the lease.

 

scorpio48Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): 

I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day. I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day. I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day. I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day. I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day. I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day. I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day. I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day. I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day. I don’t want to work,I just want to bang on the drum all day. I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day. I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day…. That got old quick, you go back to work.



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