You eat a turkey sandwich nearly every day. tomorrow you will stop and think about how many whole turkeys you have probably eaten in your life. You see that the average American consumes 0.91 turkeys a year! At the rate you consume turkey, thats like 3 WHOLE turkeys a year! The though disgusts you, and bothers you for some time. Then you get hungry, and make yourself a nice turkey sandwich with pickles, cheese and mustard.
You learn an interesting fact, In the UK, it is illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas Day. This intrigues you. You begin petitioning for legislation to make it illegal in America as well. Mince pie is fucking disgusting. Have you ever had one? What the F?
The stars know that there has been a lot of terrible things happening in the world lately, making it really hard to watch the news, or even check your social media feed. It’s good to know that your Facebook posts are helping.
Hyphephiliacs are people who get aroused by touching fabrics. This is great news, as you have resorted to trying to find a mate by wearing velvet pants.
The person who invented the Frisbee was cremated and made into frisbees after he died! When you are cremated, you will be made into a MacBook Pro.
Do geese see God? This sentence has you backwards. You have some thinking to do.
A friend of yours tells you a fun fact that they learned, “Sea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don’t drift away from each other.” This Makes you feel much more alone.
Pirates wore earrings because they believed it improved their eyesight. Earrings don’t help nearly as much as not having syphilis….. Now you feel pretty dumb about intentionally contracting syphilis go get better eyesight. also, that earring looks dumb.
You decide to move to Asia, to escape Ronald McDonald. In Japan you learn that “Donald McDonald” IS Ronald McDonald, because the pronunciation is easier. Also, in Singapore he’s known as “Uncle McDonald”. YOU CANT GET AWAY. In fact, this is somehow worse!
You pick up smoking because somebody told you not to. Why? Because thats just how Virgo’s are, damn it. Nobody tells you what to do.
You heard the statistic somewhere that the average person consumes up to 8 spiders in their sleep over the course of their lifetime. You decide just to eat all your spiders when you’re awake. Sleep eating spiders just sounds too hard.
You should probably stop bragging about how you don’t have to get your co-worker a secret santa gift because they’re Jewish. You still do. Also, everyone in your office hates you.