Weirdly Specific Horoscope: 12/8 – 12/14. – by Phoebe Angle.

sagittarius48Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): 

You eat a turkey sandwich nearly every day.  tomorrow you will stop and think about how many whole turkeys you have probably eaten in your life.  You see that the average American consumes 0.91 turkeys a year!  At the rate you consume turkey, thats like 3 WHOLE turkeys a year! The though disgusts you, and bothers you for some time.  Then you get hungry, and make yourself a nice turkey sandwich with pickles, cheese and mustard.

 

capricorn48Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):

You learn an interesting fact, In the UK, it is illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas Day.  This intrigues you.  You begin petitioning for legislation to make it illegal in America as well.  Mince pie is fucking disgusting.   Have you ever had one? What the F?

via wbur.org

via wbur.org

 

aquarius48Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):

The stars know that there has been a lot of terrible things happening in the world lately, making it really hard to watch the news, or even check your social media feed.  It’s good to know that your Facebook posts are helping.

 

pisces48Pisces (February 19 – March 20):

Hyphephiliacs are people who get aroused by touching fabrics.  This is great news, as you have resorted to trying to find a mate by wearing velvet pants.

via etsy.com

via etsy.com

aries48Aries (March 21 – April 19): 

The person who invented the Frisbee was cremated and made into frisbees after he died! When you are cremated, you will be made into a MacBook Pro.

 

taurus48Taurus (April 20 – May 20):

Do geese see God?  This sentence has you backwards. You have some thinking to do.

via funnyjunk.com

via funnyjunk.com

gemini48Gemini (May 21 – June 20):

A friend of yours tells you a fun fact that they learned, “Sea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don’t drift away from each other.”  This Makes you feel much more alone.

 

cancer48Cancer (June 21 – July 22):

Pirates wore earrings because they believed it improved their eyesight.  Earrings don’t help nearly as much as not having syphilis….. Now you feel pretty dumb about intentionally contracting syphilis go get better eyesight.  also, that earring looks dumb.

via sodahead.com

via sodahead.com

 

leo48Leo (July 23 – August 22):

You decide to move to Asia, to escape  Ronald McDonald.   In Japan you learn that “Donald McDonald” IS Ronald McDonald, because the pronunciation is easier.  Also, in Singapore he’s known as “Uncle McDonald”.   YOU CANT GET AWAY.  In fact, this is somehow worse!

 

virgo48Virgo (August 23 – September 22):

You pick up smoking because somebody told you not to.  Why?  Because thats just how Virgo’s are, damn it.  Nobody tells you what to do.

via pinterest.com

via pinterest.com

libra48Libra (September 23 – October 22):

You heard the statistic somewhere that the average person consumes up to 8 spiders in their sleep over the course of their lifetime.  You decide just to eat all your spiders when you’re awake.  Sleep eating spiders just sounds too hard.

 

scorpio48Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): 

You should probably stop bragging about how you don’t have to get your co-worker a secret santa gift because they’re Jewish.   You still do.  Also, everyone in your office hates you.

via youtube.com

via youtube.com



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