Weirdly Specific Horoscope. 11/24/15. -by Phoebe Angle.

sagittarius48  Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): 

You have counted the ceiling tiles at work many times.  You have counted them many many times.  There are 48.  Well, today you counted them, and there were 50.


capricorn48Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):

Your job asks you to relocate to Worcester Massachusetts, so you quit.  Don’t worry, you will very much so enjoy your new line of work, doing anything else.

aquarius48Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):

You are thinking about taking a trip to Cleveland for vacation.  Maybe you should stop reading 30 year old vacation brochures.



pisces48Pisces (February 19 – March 20):

So you did not get that promotion at work.   Post about how upset you are about it on social media, everyone is clearly out to get you!  You will get the next one.

aries48Aries (March 21 – April 19):

Your well trained turkeys are becoming restless, the time is coming near.  World domination through your turkey army.  You ask your turkeys if they are ready, they respond, “it’s all gravy”.

gravy in a gravy boat


taurus48Taurus (April 20 – May 20):

Today a black cat will cross your path.  It will also poop, you will step in the poop.  You would think this is all bad luck, but you don’t believe in luck, you don’t even believe in horoscopes.  Why are you reading this?

gemini48Gemini (May 21 – June 20):

You suspect your co-worker of eating your lunch, so you devise a plan.    You just start bringing jars of bugs to work.



cancer48Cancer (June 21 – July 22):

Did you know fresh water dolphins exist?  And they are fucking pink!  That’s it, you are moving to the Amazon, to be with those creepy ass dolphins.



leo48Leo (July 23 – August 22):

This Thanksgiving, your uncle will ask you why you aren’t married yet, you will explain that you are married, and that he needs to pay closer attention to your life before he goes criticizing it.  Whether you are married, or not married, it will shut him up, and make him reconsider everything he thought to be true.

virgo48Virgo (August 23 – September 22):

The guy at your McDonalds now knows you by your first AND LAST name.  You’re not so concerned about your eating habits, as how much easier it will be now for that clown to find you.

libra48Libra (September 23 – October 22):

We have all thought about living in caves, because everybody likes spelunking, but you are going to do it.  You are a true Spelunker, Spelunk your life, Spelunk your dreams.  Your friends will be bats, and stalagmites (also cockroaches).



scorpio48Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): 

Your mom has gone too far this year with the homemade cranberry sauce for thanksgiving.  This year she doesn’t even buy the real stuff.   She might not actually love you.





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