A long time ago in a place quite nearby, I was a security guard at a hospital. I will change the name of the hospital and the people involved in this story to protect the innocent.
When I was 22 years old I took a job as a security officer at Elfmill City Hospital. The interview was fairly simple “I see you haven’t been arrested for anything, that’s good. Why do you want this job?” the security manager Clark Toodra asked me. “It pays more than my current job.” I responded raising my voice slightly at the end of my statement as if I was asking if that was an acceptable answer. “You’re not just trying to fuck nurses are you?” Clark asked, I almost fell out of my chair “Ummm… no. The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind” I informed him. Clark began educating me “A lot of young men come in here thinking they can be the rooster in the hen house. I just want to make sure that’s not why you’re interested in this job. Our job here is to protect the patients and staff. Not to try and stick our dicks in the nurses.”, “Understood” I said, “I have a girlfriend so I’m certainly not out trying to sleep with anyone else.”. Clark looked at me for about 10 seconds and then said “Good. You’re hired.”
Then he handed me a badge and a uniform and taught me how to put on a clip on tie.
Clark ran a tight ship. No fucking on his watch. While I worked as a security guard I had the distinct pleasure of being kicked, scratched, bitten, spit on, and punched by all kinds of people from Elfmill City. This type of work is obviously very arousing but somehow both security and medical staff managed to keep our hands and dicks to ourselves.
As hospital security we had many jobs. Watching psych patients in the ER, raising and lowering the U.S flag each day and night and folding it properly, walking the halls of the hospital and making sure everything was locked up when it should be, and of course bringing dead bodies to the morgue. But our most important job was not fucking the psych patients or U.S flag or nurses or anything else.
The protocol for bringing dead bodies to the morgue was that two security officers would have to go to the floor where the body was and with a nurse bring the body to the morgue. The reason the nurse had to go with us was in case the doctor had made a mistake and the patient wasn’t really dead.
If the body just sat up on the gurney I wouldn’t know what to do, I’d just be scream “holy shit a zombie!” and then try to cut off it’s head. We tried to explain to the nurses the reason they had to escort us to the morgue but they thought it was to protect the bodies from our sexual desires. Whenever it was a male they would claim that they didn’t have to go with us. As if there is some kind of homophobic necrophiliac out there. This is when I truly came to understand how little respect people had for security officers. Not sure if it’s part of the reason I eventually left the security business and got into the stand up comedy business where you get ALL the respect but here I am.
More security stories to come. Thanks for reading.
Shawn Carter is a Boston based stand up comedian. You can be his friend: JUST ASK
All stories are partly or entirely false.