Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column originally written on the wall of a Lane Bryant dressing room.
I shouldn’t even try anymore, because this is getting really pathetic. Things that are better than my gambling picks this season: Feline Aids, The Holocaust, The Double Holocaust, Walking Into the Corner of a Table, Chinese Food You Find on the Ground.
I had to write this column late because I had life things to do early this week and I will probably have to make this short because my will to live is lacking at the moment and drinking the delicious liquids from under the sink is sounding better and better by the second.
THAT’S OKAY THOUGH! Sometimes you have to embrace the lows because that’s how you make ART. You think Kurt Cobain or Ted Danson every felt happiness? No, they only felt the horrible soul crushing despair that led them to become America’s most beloved sexual partners of the early ’90s.
The NFL this week is pretty much the same as it was last week except Green Bay isn’t undefeated anymore because Denver’s defense spent Sunday night touching Aaron Rodgers in his bad place. Also a lot of players got hurt and everyone’s fantasy football team sucks now except for my friend Brandon’s because he is a dick and I hate him because he is tall. Also, this week’s games suck except for maybe one of them so let’s just get this done and move on with our meaningless lives. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 5-7-2. As always, home team is in caps.
CINCINNATI -12.5 vs. Cleveland
It’s the battle of Ohio! Who will take home the governor’s trophy which I’m assuming is just a toilet filled with bad chili and chunks of sausage? I wanted to take the points here, but if you remember last year’s Johnny Football debut against the Bengals it’s kind of hard to trust that he’s not going to buttfuck his way through this one as well. I wouldn’t be surprised if every Browns possession ends up online tomorrow overdubbed with “Yakety Sax” as Manziel runs around in circles and drops the football before being chased clear out of the stadium and down a hallway full of doors that all lead to the same room so you can enter one door and come out of another door to avoid your pursuers.
Oakland +4.5 vs. PITTSBURGH
I am buying into the Derek Carr era in Oakland. He looks competent! It could all fall apart soon, as we’ve seen players like Colin Kaepernick and Fat Matt Stafford and Ryan Tannehill show promise and then suddenly turn into carrion right in front of our eyes. I bet his brother would be really jealous if he didn’t already have CTE from getting sacked 200 times per season during his career. Derek probably shows David replays of Raiders games and pretends it’s David out there to make him feel better. “Wow David, that was a great pass! How did you fit it in that tight space?” “I did a good job, didn’t I Derek?” “Yes David, you did a good job. You did a very good job.”
Jacksonville +7 vs. NY JETS
Geno Smith alert! Geno Smith alert! I know it’s the Jaguars but I’m not laying seven fucking points on Geno Smith. Fuck outta here. If Geno Smith couldn’t cover his face to not get his jaw broke I’m not trusting him to cover a touchdown. Somebody needs to knock him out again so this team can keep its playoff hopes alive.
St. Louis +2 vs. MINNESOTA
These teams are kind of exactly the same and I expect the football to be thrown about eight times total. They should just let Todd Gurley and Adrian Peterson run into each other over and over for 60 minutes and whoever falls down the least wins the game. I would much rather watch that than see a few great runs in between watching Teddy Bridgewater and Nick Foles step on their dicks on third down all day.
BUFFALO -3 vs. Miami
Dan Campbell and Rex Ryan will probably end up wrestling at mid-field after the game and everybody will chuckle and say “well that’s just who they are!” until the winner starts fucking the loser on television and things get really awkward.
NEW ORLEANS -7.5 vs. Tennessee
Ken Wisenhunt is the second coaching casualty of the season. He got famous for almost winning a Super Bowl until God got mad at Kurt Warner for being secretly gay, and after that he did nothing good. Coaching is weird like that because all you have to do to sell yourself to a GM is be like “Hey I was around when somebody else did something good” and you’re in. That’s how Mike McCarthy remains employed. If I were hiring a coach I would make him take one of those 400 question personality tests and if he didn’t start yelling at it after about 30 questions I would not hire him. YOU NEED THAT PASSION!
NEW ENGLAND -14 vs. Washington
If you didn’t get a chance to check out the legal argument Washington’s lawyers made to keep their trademark, I highly recommend it. It was basically a list of other hilarious and offensive business names that are allowed to keep a trademark. One of them was “Make Your Own Dildo” and I find that far less offensive than “Redskins” so from now on they will be referred to as the Washington Make Your Own Dildos.
Green Bay -2.5 vs. CAROLINA
Something tells me that Aaron Rodgers is not going to have another game like he did last Sunday, and Cam Newton has been flying in the face of God all season en route to 7-0. I can’t believe Cam Newton is being thrown into MVP conversations. I know his line sucks and his receivers suck but his numbers also suck. Cam winning the MVP would be the equivalent of giving a Best Actor Oscar to Matthew McConaughey for “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” Sure, he’s done good work in the past, and probably will in the future, but just because it’s a success on paper doesn’t mean it isn’t a pile of shit.
Atlanta -7 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
HOLY SHIT BLAINE GABBERT!!!!! I thought Blaine Gabbert was in witness protection. It should be against the rules to start Blaine Gabbert in an NFL game because that’s just screaming “WE WOULD LIKE THE NUMBER ONE PICK PLEASE!” Starting Blaine Gabbert is like being too cowardly to break up with a bad girlfriend so you start acting like a shithead so she breaks up with you first. “WELL IF YOU DON’T LIKE ME LOUDLY WATCHING PORNOGRAPHY WHEN YOUR FRIENDS ARE OVER MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST LEAVE ME THEN!”
NY Giants -2.5 vs. TAMPA BAY
The Giants defense should be well rested after taking last week off so they can probably hold the Bucs under 50 points. Tampa is the strip club capital of the country, and I imagine that when the rest of the Giants are out getting their dicks sat on Eli is probably walking around in flip flops and cargo shorts trying to find a place that sells model trains.
Denver -5 vs. INDIANAPOLIS
The fucking idiot Colts are being investigated for breaking a dumb rule after causing an offseason’s worth of garbage by crying about another team possibly breaking a dumb rule. You would think after all of that awful garbage they would decide that they should try to be good at the rules but this team is being run by guys who have the intelligence of a toddler with carbon monoxide poisoning. Andrew Luck is going to get his ass kicked, everyone is going to get fired, and Jim Irsay is going to put on “Tuesday’s Gone” and take some pills in the bathtub.
Philadelphia -2.5 vs. DALLAS
Weird, an NFC East game being played on a Sunday night *does jerkoff motion for so long that in 5000 years the Ancient Aliens guys think that I’m doing the jerkoff motion because of aliens*
SAN DIEGO -4 vs. Chicago
What the fuck?? Why is San Diego on Monday night again? Everybody on their team is dead now and Philip Rivers’ idiot kids are going to start filling in on special teams. Given the choice between Cutler and Rivers, I’ll probably be rooting for Child Services.