Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that remains at large despite credible government intelligence.
Pretty fucked up week. In the NFL and in the world in general. But we’re here to talk about football, not about your mom flashing her nipple at your cousin’s wedding. Or, you know, the murder stuff.
I’ve been getting down about my record and the fact that I’m continuously embarrassing myself in this column and ruining my personal finances, but I need to stop to remind myself that that isn’t what gambling is about.
Gambling is about optimism. Gambling is about having the confidence that your casual drunken observations are enough to out-smart a billion dollar industry. Gambling is about having a gut feeling and doing flawed, superficial research to support that feeling while ignoring anything contradictory. Gambling is about the hope that, after sitting through three hours of a dogshit NFC East suckfest, instead of losing all faith in goodness and love and the existence of anything worth waking up for, you will be slightly richer, and will be able to repeat the process all over again if you can get your bet in before the next games start WHY THE FUCK DON’T ALL OF THE GAMES START 20 MINUTES LATER NOW WHY IS IT ONLY TWO GAMES AND WHY ARE ALL OF THESE FUCKING GAMES GOING TO OVERTIME I ALREADY KNOW I COVERED JUST RELEASE MY FUNNNNNNNDDDDDSSSS!!!!!
Ahhhh fuck it. I tried. There are some really gross games this week and I will mostly just be describing how gross they are while pretending I’m not going to bet them even though that’s the only thing that will make them watchable OH YEAH THAT’S WHY I DO THIS I THOUGHT IT WAS BECA– USE IT WAS PAYING OFF THE LEASE ON MY BEAUTIFUL YACHT! Anyway, looking at the schedule has made me nauseous and I don’t feel well so I’m going to keep this brief. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 6-8. As always, the home team is in caps.
Tennessee +3 vs. JACKSONVILLE
This game is so gross that it should only be looked at by dermatologists and even then they’re going to gag a little after they poke it.
CAROLINA -7 vs. Washington
This game is so gross that white people will try to shield their children from it before Cam Newton even scores a sexual touchdown.
Oakland -1 vs. DETROIT
This game is so gross that if nobody goes down there and cleans it up it is going to start tanking property values all over the city of Detroit.
MIAMI PK vs. Dallas
This game is so gross that Jerry Jones lets it live in his neck while he feeds it berries.
ATLANTA -6 vs. Indianapolis
This game is so gross that the people of Indianapolis consider it an acceptable condiment/salad dressing/beverage for weddings.
St. Louis +2 vs. BALTIMORE
This game is so gross that St. Louis got it confused with a pizza and Baltimore got it confused with seafood and then they both got it confused with a sense of local pride and justice.
NY Jets -2.5 vs. HOUSTON
This game is so gross that the people of Houston would vote for it in a Democratic election.
Green Bay +1 vs. MINNESOTA
One of two actual good games this weekend, this game is only gross enough that if you showed it to a baby the baby would laugh but the baby’s parents would be like “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
PHILADELPHIA -5.5 vs. Tampa Bay
This game is so gross it’s like if you dropped a Philly Cheesesteak on the ground at a Tampa strip club or just ate a Philly Cheesesteak or showed up in Tampa or drove through Philly or had to talk to somebody who was from one of those cities or if you remembered, even briefly, that these cities exist in the same world that you inhabit and their populations have the same rights and breathe the same air as you.
Denver +1 vs. CHICAGO
This game is so gross that it made Papa John yell his safe word and Jay Cutler had his kids vaccinated against it.
ARIZONA -5 vs. Cincinnati
Even though this game features two good teams it features TWO GINGER QUARTERBACKS so this game is so gross that an entire world’s population decided to stop breeding with it so it would cease to exist because after years of bringing plague and famine upon Ireland people finally got their shit together and realized that witches were never the real culprit.
SEATTLE -13 vs. San Francisco
This game is so gross that it’s like the attitudes of all the smug tech start-up assholes in both of these cities becoming sentient and having a conversation with you for literally the most miserable and soul-crushing 40 seconds of your life.
Kansas City -3 vs. SAN DIEGO
This game is so gross it’s like playing a football game in a tent made out of Andy Reid’s skin tags and Mrs. Philip Rivers’ labia.
NEW ENGLAND -7 vs. Buffalo
This game is so gross that Rob Ryan dared Rex Ryan to drink it and at first he wouldn’t do it but after Rob called him a pussy a lot of times he finally decided to drink it but then as soon as Rex tilted his head back Rob hit him in the nuts and Rex spit it everywhere anyway but could still taste it in the back of his throat.
LAST WEEK: 6-8-0 *my bleached bones are scattered by scavengers and erosion*
SEASON TOTAL: 61-78-7
*Editors note: No adorable kittens were harmed in the posting of this article. He did bite me and destroy an air mattress though.