Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that Jesus taught brain surgery so it could be president.
Hey, a winning record this week gang! Not that I really give a shit about my record anymore, because I’m punk rock. A punk rock, football gambler. They should probably do a Vice article about me, because isn’t that fucking random? It’s like, this kid is punk rock enough to have long hair at work but guess what? He ALSO gambles online because he’s a giant ball of enigmas and fistfights. Oi Oi Oi motherfuckers!
There are only ten teams in the league with winning records right now, and 12 teams have to make the playoffs so get ready for another year where there are a hundred wild card scenarios that people get excited about for a couple of weeks until they realize it only means that a gross bad team will be in the playoffs. BUFFALO ONLY NEEDS A WIN OR TIE PLUS A HOUSTON LOSS OR TIE PLUS A JETS CIRCUMCISION ACCIDENT AND THE RAIDERS TO GET SUSPENDED FOR SENDING NUDE PHOTOS OF MARK DAVIS TO THE POPE AND THEY ARE IN!!! Then everyone remebers “Oh yeah it’s the Dolphins and why would we want them in the playoffs unless we need somebody to punch a hole in Andy Dalton’s chastity belt BECA– USE THEN NDAMUKONG SUH IS OUR MAN!!!”
I don’t have much else to say about the state of the league. Even the good teams are secretly mediocre or dangerously injured. Maybe the Super Bowl will just be played between the 100 players in the league who can still walk by February and they’ll just hang the banner in Dr. James Andrews’ office. “WE DID IT TEAM! WE SURVIVED THE HUNGER GA- WAIT WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY $25,000 FOR WEARING A WRONG COLORED MOUTHPIECE????”
Okay, enough of that. Let’s appreciate the football we have left before the 18 months of baseball season sneaks up on us again. ON TO THE PICKS! Last weeks picks went 7-6, and as always home teams are in caps.
Buffalo +3 vs. NY JETS
REX RYAN IS BACK IN TOWN AND THERE ISN’T A FOOTJOB PARLOR IN CHINATOWN THAT CAN STOP HIM FROM DIPPING HIS DICK IN THE HUDSON RIVER AND SLAPPING TODD BOWLES IN THE MOUTH WITH IT! The Jets defense stopped being the best in the league when they stopped forcing 15 turnovers a game and now they’re getting mad about “How come we’re not winning by a lot of points anymore???” It’s because they’re kind of not good. The Bills are kind of not good as well, but I’m taking the points here because the Jets seem to have been sitting on their dicks and getting their dicks warm for the playoffs as they expected every other team in the AFC to fade while they sneaked by winning 23-16 games. WELL REX IS COMING TO TOWN AND YOU BETTER GET YOUR DICKS AND BUTTS READY BECA– USE HE’S GOING TO TAKE A LONG LOOK AT YOUR DICKS AND BUTTS AND FIGURE OUT WHICH ONE OF THEM HE WANTS TO KICK AND THEN HE’S GONNA KICK THEM BECA– USE HE’S HAD A LOT OF CRAB RANGOON AND HIS KICKIN’ LEG IS GETTING SLEEPY! Haha but really, fuck this game.
GREEN BAY -11.5 vs. Detroit
Detroit might get rid of Matt Stafford this season which is hilarious because it means they’re working under the assumption that if they do they will not end up with another Joey Harrington. Fat Stafford might not be a Hall of Famer, but he is at least as good as Joe Flacco and Joe Flacco won a Super Bowl and made a billion dollars. It’s a sad state of the NFL when you can’t risk getting rid of a quarterback because there’s a 90% chance you will never find a good one again, but here we are. This isn’t like Chicago holding onto Jay Cutler, who confused them with measles. This would be about Detroit doing the most Detroit thing ever and probably giving Stafford to Minnesota where they would win a Super Bowl and the Lions would use their draft picks on some overweight tackles from SEC schools instead of a competent quarterback or drinking water for their citizens.
TAMPA BAY -1.5 vs. Dallas
Uggghhhh JESUS CHRIST. I have to decide between Jameis Winston: Probable Rapist, and Greg Hardy: Definite Woman Abuser? I hope Hardy hits him helmet to helmet and they both lose their memories and they roll over and because the first thing they see is each others’ faces they fall in love and quit football and start a gay bowling alley together or something. I would support that bowling alley.
TENNESSEE +4.5 vs. Carolina
Carolina is not going to win 16 games and if they do I will eat at least one square foot of carpet samples. But I’m putting hot sauce on them because I make the rules here, plebes.
Chicago +7 vs. ST. LOUIS
Wes Welker is back! What a gritty individual who is willing to put his brain on the line for his sport of running brain into man for make ball go to where coach like. Brain use for jump or fall to ball place. When ball place good loud noise and happy Wes times. Wes forget where Wes live but door says Wamps where Wes wrote name but had too many letters in brain. SHOW WES A HORSE!!!!
New Orleans -1 vs. WASHINGTON
Oh fuck these teams. Fuck the Saints for pretending they’re good every other week and fuck the Washington Make Your Own Dildos for even still being a team in the league. If they had just not shown up on Sunday they still would have been embarrassed but the Patriots wouldn’t have experienced some obnoxious injuries. I’m going to start selling “Redskins” jerseys that come with dildos that I made based on approximations of Dan Snyder’s penis (they’re called PACKING PEANUTS HOLY SHIT TOUGH BURN PLEASE HAMMER DON’T HURT ‘EM!!!!)
Miami +6.5 vs. PHILADELPHIA
I bet Dan Campbell has sex with an eagle before this game to try and rally the troops. YOU SEE THIS BOYS?! THERE’S NO DOLPHIN GETTING FUCKED BY AN EAGLE ON MY WATCH! NOW GO OUT THERE AND TRY NOT TO DO WHAT YOU DID THE PAST TWO WEEKS! I bet Dan Campbell has kids that he can only talk to on the phone every other week.
PITTSBURGH -5 vs. Cleveland
Nobody knows who’s playing quarterback in this game and nobody cares because they’re all drunk already and the penalty for having excessive knowledge in Pittsburgh or Cleveland is a flogging.
Jacksonville +5.5 vs. BALTIMORE
John Harbaugh is coming off of his bye week and I can guarantee he’s found at least eight more things to complain about on the sidelines. Headsets too small? Gatorade Blue Raspberry flavored instead of Milk flavored? John Harbaugh is horny for an argument, and I bet at some point in this game he runs onto the field and points at his head for some reason because he thinks that’s the universal sign for “I KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING RUN TO ME AND LET ME BERATE YOU!” I bet John Harbaugh’s wife lost all of her sorority friends after taking her husband to charades night.
OAKLAND -3.5 vs. Minnesota
I have a lot of friends who are Vikings fans and I asked them this week if they’re mad yet that the Vikings drafted Teddy Bridgewater instead of Derek Carr. I don’t have a lot of friends who are Vikings fans anymore. I mean, it’s an interesting comparison because they were taken four picks apart in the draft, and Carr looks like a legitimate NFL quarterback while Teddy (even if he doesn’t have brain damage after last week) looks like a poorly coached mummy who Norv Turner didn’t realize was a mummy because he’s never looked a quarterback in the eye.
My point about all that nonsense was/is/fuck off I’ve been drinking: Maybe Carr’s stats are a product of his weapons, but I legitimately think if Minnesota had him instead of Teddy Crawlgame (because his offense doesn’t gain many yards, you see. It’s a pun based on his lack of efficiency throwing the football. Sometimes I lay awake at night wondering if I’m immortal and if I could rule the land while never being killed.) ANYWAY… If Derek Carr played for the Vikings they would be Super Bowl contenders but instead their quarterback is a soup-brained Keenan Ivory Wayans.
DENVER -6 vs. Kansas City
Hey, maybe Andy Reid is going to eat so many edibles that he ends up calling a great game and pulling off the upset! “Those lollipops… those lollipops told me I should roll Alex Smith out fourth down.” Hahahaha oh sorry nope.”
New England -7 vs. NY GIANTS
Hooray! We’re getting into “Tom Coughlin looks like somebody peeled his skin off” weather! I wanted to take the Giants here but even with zero offensive linemen the Pats probably put up 40 in this game. Every time these teams play I have to watch replays of the 2007 and 2011 Super Bowls which shouldn’t make me mad because the Pats won last year but they still do because it’s ELI FUCKING MANNING. The only good thing to come out of those two Giants wins were those “Unstoppable: Eli Manning is” watch commercials that lead me to believe the watch doesn’t even tell time it just has a little smiley face on it that changes into an angry face when Eli stays up past his bed time.
SEATTLE -3 vs. Arizona
This is the game where Seattle either steps up and establishes themselves as playoff contenders or their season goes to shit and a bunch of players leave in the offseason and they are all of a sudden a couple injuries away from turning into the 49ers. I think this team has another run left in them, and if they don’t and their season effectively ends on Sunday then Russell Wilson will probably just say it’s God’s way of telling him he needs to spend an extra month looking at bald kids.
CINCINNATI -10 vs. Houston
Holy shit. With Andrew Luck out for a month with organ failure Houston has the potential to win this god-awful division at 6-10. Their quarterback is Brian Hoyer! The AFC South needs to crawl into the ocean and then the ocean needs to be filled with poison and the poison should also be filled with knives so that if any of these teams somehow become immune to the poison they will still be breathing in knives and fucking up their throats and lungs. That’s just one man’s opinion though.
LAST WEEK: 7-6 *eerie calm as the sun bleaches my bones*
SEASON TOTAL: 55-70-7