Weirdly Specific Horoscope. 10/30. – by Phoebe Angle.

scorpio48Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): 

Don’t buy those pants this week.  You are going to tell yourself you will lose weight, and they will fit.  I’m sorry, the stars say “No, no forever”.

 

via yourhealthista.com

via yourhealthista.com

sagittarius48Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):

You take a trip to IKEA with your significant other, and get in a huge fight over the practicality of a POÄNG. leading to a breakup by the meatballs and chokladkake.  You will be heart broken, but have no fear, that connection you felt with the Billy the cabinet will lead to years of objectophilia happiness.

via buzzfeed

via buzzfeed

 

capricorn48Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): 

It’s time, you have failed at everything else/you really just don’t like to work.  It’s time to pursue your aspirations of being a mediocre photographer.  Get out there! Start photographing your most moderately attractive friends, homeless people, puddles, and call it art!

via scientificamerican.com

via scientificamerican.com

aquarius48Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):

Sometimes you get Gastritis, and thats because the stars think you are a pussy.  Boo-hoo go cry about it.

 pisces48Pisces (February 19 – March 20):

You have decided it’s time to start pursuing your “life of crime”  you have been testing the water with jaywalking for years, as well as stealing grapes from Stop & Shop.  Remember that time you drank in high school? Thats right, today you leave your ID at home, bet on the Pats game,  puff on some weed, and murder your mail man!

via snipview.com

via snipview.com

 

aries48Aries (March 21 – April 19): 

Stop telling your “friend” that plaid is no longer in fashion, and it was X amount of seasons ago.  She does not care.  You don’t even care!  Leave Phoebe alone about the plaid.

taurus48Taurus (April 20 – May 20): 

You choose only too eat kale, you choose to only have weird poops ever.

via aboveaverage.com

via aboveaverage.com

 

gemini48Gemini (May 21 – June 20):  

You have decided that muffin tops are the new boobs/calves!

peel off your spanks, and tighten that belt! A nice round muffin top is the new fatty body part to flaunt. Show off those handles!

via hellogiggles.com

via hellogiggles.com

 

cancer48Cancer (June 21 – July 22): 

This Halloween, spend the night in beautiful Salem Massachusetts.  You know? Salem, where they killed all of those women back in the day?  Go have fun!

 

 leo48Leo (July 23 – August 22):

Oh, wow, ouch, you really got what you paid for with that Brazilian wax job you purchased through Groupon.

via boredpanda.com

via boredpanda.com

 

virgo48Virgo (August 23 – September 22): 

Stop ordering at the Mcdonald’s drive through, and then changing your mind about the trajectory of your life before making it to the window, banging a U’ie, and driving away into the night.  The employees are starting to recognize your car.

via nme.com

via nme.com

 

libra48Libra (September 23 – October 22):

You go with Frankenstein’s Monster for a work friendly costume.  That way, when somebody tells you something redundant, or unnecessary, you can just groan loudly, and run away.

 

via pearlandisd.org

via pearlandisd.org

 



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