Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that doesn’t care if bacon gives you cancer because then all those dickheads online that talk about it like it’s heroin will get lots of cancer.
Another week under .500, so that’s great good job me you’re the best and your thighs aren’t even fucking gross from that rash you have, idiot. I’m surprised I can still write this column because I’ve got a real stupid brain and shouldn’t be able to make words with it anymore.
Somehow the NFL still has five undefeated teams and then five other teams that might be good but we don’t fucking know. This group somehow includes the Jets, Vikings, and the 3-4 Seahawks, with a bunch of other asshole teams trying to get into the playoffs. How the Jets and Vikings are looking like they could walk into the playoffs is fucking beyond me. I hate these teams with great defenses and shit quarterbacks that will manage to fuck up a better team’s season in the playoffs and blow it in the next round by turning the ball over like idiots (and yes I’m still bitter about the 2011 Divisional playoffs shut up IT WAS FUCKING MARK SANCHEZ!!!)
It’s still kind of early, but it’s really not that early. At this point, there are already four divisions that are pretty much decided, and likely a fifth because the AFC South is the football equivalent of a gangrenous foot that you really need to chop off before it infects the rest of the leg with its awful stench and spreading rot.
The whole point being, while we can’t be sure what’s going to happen on a week by week basis, but we probably already know what’s going to happen in the long run. Which doesn’t really help! It’s about time I started getting things wrong, so let’s fucking get this over with. ON TO THE PICKS! As always home team is in caps.
Miami +8 vs. NEW ENGLAND
New England hasn’t been able to blow out their last two opponents, and with Big Dick Dan Campbell running things I think it’s going to be another close game. Also, you know, the Pats o-line is still very injured and the Dolphins d-line is finally getting scary so hopefully they don’t try to intentionally murder Tom Brady like they did with Marcus Mariota. Who am I kidding? That’s exactly what they’ll try to do. Campbell has probably been playing the Bernard Pollard video all week long with footage of the Cobra Kai spliced in. “SWEEP THE LEG! AND THEN BITE IT! BITE THROUGH THE ACHILLES I’VE BITTEN THROUGH SEVERAL IT’S NOT THAT HARD PUSSY!!!!” If Ndamukong Suh doesn’t get paid $200K to step on Tom Brady’s dick this week I’ll REALLY start doubting his commitment to the game of football.
KANSAS CITY -5 vs. Detroit
Ugh what the fuck with this game?! There are so many bad annoying teams that there are going to inevitably be 8-10 terrible games a week. I understand that. But Jesus seeing them on the schedule is a real fucking bummer. This is probably what Andy Reid feels like when he looks at the heart-healthy portion of a menu.
Minnesota -1 vs. CHICAGO
Ehhh, Minnesota is one of the teams I identified as potentially good, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t fucking boring. The only way this game is going to be watchable is if Jay Cutler spends the entire four quarters getting the shit kicked out of him and throwing picks… Hey! That’s kind of what Minnesota does! I changed my mind and I am now incredibly excited to watch Cutler Charlie Brown his way through this game. I hope Cutler gets slammed all the way to hell and comes back as a ghost and his ghost has autism from being injected into the ground like a measles booster.
ATLANTA -7 vs. Tampa Bay
Atlanta could very well lose this game after almost no-showing against the Titans, but they have the luxury of a coaching matchup with Lovie Smith. If Lovie Smith died this week I don’t think anybody would even notice. Their defensive game plan of “Uhh… Cover 3?’ and their offensive game plan of “Ehh fuck it” would remain the same regardless. The only thing that would raise suspicion would be the remarkable lack of challenge flags thrown and timeouts taken in the first and third quarters. If Jameis Winston got to run a two minute drill with three time-outs he would probably get worried that he stole them and the Tallahassee police would have to run onto the field and reassure him that he did nothing wrong.
NY Giants +3 vs. NEW ORLEANS
I don’t know what the fuck to expect from these teams and I don’t care because I hate them and they always fuck me over somehow. I hope Bobby Jindal and Donald Trump put a bet on this game where the loser has to drop out of the Presidential race and also has to shoot the winner in the head and then shoot themselves also in the head. They are not very smart men and they hate losing. I bet we can make this happen.
San Francisco +9 vs. ST. LOUIS
It looks like St. Louis is probably moving to LA, which I don’t feel all that bad about because they were originally from LA and St. Louis stole them and then stopped giving a shit about them when Marshall Faulk didn’t win them a second Super Bowl. They also ran the Cardinals out of town after feeling tricked that they weren’t the baseball Cardinals. St. Louis doesn’t deserve a football team. Not that LA deserves one, let alone two or possibly even three, but at least LA has gone a couple of years without a race riot. Actually… the Rams left LA after a huge race riot… and now they’re leaving St. Louis after a huge race riot… Now, I’m not saying the Rams cause race riots to get more favorable stadium deals, but when you look at the evidence… OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE IF YOU DON’T GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT HELTER SKELTER WILL BE UPON US!
Arizona -5 vs. CLEVELAND
Hahahaha this week Bruce Arians said he would have loved to have had the opportunity to be the head coach of the Cleveland Browns which is rubbing salt in a 51 year old wound. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jimmy Haslem fires Mike Pettine this week, chains Arians to a radiator and paints him orange.
Cincinatti -1.5 vs. PITTSBURGH
Going with a lot of road teams again this week. GREAT! But honestly even if Ben comes back this week I don’t think Pittsburgh has enough to beat a team that plays football competently and will probably hurt him again. The Bengals could be 7-0 after this game! They’re actually good! So why do I expect them to go 1-8 for the rest of the season after this?! Force of habit I guess. If Andy Dalton is a top 3 NFL quarterback then I’m just going to consider it a Goodell-led conspiracy to further the ginger agenda. “LOOK! WE CAN DO THINGS JUST LIKE REGULAR PEOPLE! TOM BRADY IS NOT THE MOST HANDSOME QUARTERBACK IN THE NFL PEOPLE WITH RED HAIR ARE EXOTIC AND SEXY NOW I WILL TAKE YOU TO FUCKING COURT IF YOU DISAGREE!”
BALTIMORE -3 vs. San Diego
I really hope the refs screw the Ravens again so I can see John Harbaugh light himself on fire on the sidelines like a Buddhist monk with a limp penis for a personality.
Tennessee +3.5 vs. HOUSTON
I told you my feelings on the AFC South before, so I’ll skip trying to onomatopoeize (that’s my word I called it) the dry-heaving sounds I’m making right now. I think it’s kind of great that Ryan Mallet got cut this week for just not showing up to a bunch of things, because now he gets to make like a million dollars for not having to live in Houston and watch Texans games. I would accept $5 to never have to watch the Texans again. The man is a financial genius.
OAKLAND +2 vs. NY Jets
Letdown game for the Jets after almost pulling off an upset in New England? Meh, I don’t know. I just really don’t want to pick them this week because I can’t envision Ryan Fitzpatrick going two weeks without trying to throw a football into the sun and having it fall 92.955 million miles short and into Charles Woodson’s arms.
It’s crazy that this game has wild card implications. If these teams managed to meet in the playoffs it would probably break a record for most people in one place who sawed off their house arrest anklets.
Seattle -6 vs. DALLAS
Let’s take a minute to talk about Greg Hardy. A lot of people are taking many minutes to talk about Greg Hardy. They have opinions on Greg Hardy. I also have an opinion on Greg Hardy, and I think it’s high time you heard my opinion on Greg Hardy. Well, here’s my opinion on Greg Hardy: real piece of work that guy. Gotta tell you, if I knew a guy like Greg Hardy? I’d take him aside and ask him what his problem is. If he gave me any lip? I’d tell him to back off, and stop being such a Grade A jerk. Then I would train a bunch of snapping turtles to eat his penis while he slept.
Green Bay -3 vs. DENVER
Finally Denver plays a team that can hang with its defense, and we get to see if Peyton’s Total Recall mutant arm can stay in a game where points are likely to be scored. Hopefully he ate a bunch of stem cells during the bye week to grow his nerve endings back, even if it’s only to feel what it’s like when Clay Matthews crunches his old bones like a fairytale giant. If he’s anything like Papa John then this lack of feeling in his extremities has been killing him because pain is the only thing that makes him cum.
CAROLINA -7 vs. Indianapolis
This is the game where Chuck Pagano finally gets his walking papers. Any idiot can win the AFC South with this team, but Pagano has shown that he can’t hang with even mildly competent coaches. Which is what Ron Rivera has become! Sure, most of the blame is on Grigson’s awful personnel decisions, but if you look at what Rivera is working with in a similarly garbage division you can see exactly why Pagano is going to lose his job. Cam Newton and Andrew Luck are essentially the same quarterback, and Newton has been succeeding (barely) with much less. Luck has one victory this season. Just one. Firing Chuck Pagano is the first step in Jim Irsay’s quest to cleanse his organization of the opiates that are causing this nod-off of a season. Then he’s gonna take some opiates of his own and listen to Steely Dan because sometimes a rock and roll renegade just needs to cut loose and relax before his vibes are harshed so badly that he throws his TV remote at his butler.