Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that has gone literally a dozen years without swallowing a bug.
That was it you guys. That was the death knell of my season. I could not possibly know less about football right now. To anybody who has actually taken my advice this season: Hahahahahahaha! Didn’t I warn you you fucking idiots?
I’m guessing nobody actually does that though, since I am a notorious mush and hopeless loser. After last weekend my bank account is down to $12. Half of $24. That’s how much money I have, because I am the worst. That’s not even enough money to buy lunch somewhere that you don’t place your order with a number. And even then it’s close. 5-9-1? If you were house training a puppy with newspaper and picked whatever random teams he dripped piss on, you would have better results. That fucking octopus who picks soccer games is about 1000x better at this than I am. Shit, that octopus is probably better than me at everything. Swimming, eating clams, fingerbanging… I don’t have shit on that goddamned octopus. Goddammit.
You know what? This week, I’m still going to make my picks. I’m going to make them as I normally would, but I’m not going to break down any games or try to pretend I have any insight into what these teams might do or how good any of their idiot asshole players are. I’m just going to pick the games and talk about whatever dumb bullshit I want because this is America and I’m a famous internet personality who can do what I like. So ON TO THE PICKS. Last week’s picks went 5-9-1. As always, the home team is in caps.
HOUSTON pk vs. Indianapolis
I walk my dog everyday after work, and sometimes when he’s out going to the bathroom he will strain too hard and somehow give himself a boner, and then he runs around crying like an idiot until his boner goes away. This made me think about how funny it would be if that happened to people when they got boners. One immediate plus is that no more kids would be born, because the woman would have to corral you and try to get you to stop crying long enough for you to put the baby in her. Sure, men would lose the pleasures of sex entirely, which as a man I would not enjoy, HOWEVER if we could make this happen for even just a day it would probably be the only thing that could ever get me into a strip club. Maybe if I meet a genie that will be one of my wishes…
Jacksonville +3 vs. TAMPA BAY
Speaking of genies, if I rubbed a lamp and some fucked up naked dude came out of it, I would have a hard time wishing for anything other than for him to stop making eye contact with me. I know most fictional portrayals of genies have them wearing SOME clothes, but dude lives in a lamp and grants wishes. You know he’s been sitting around naked just going to town on himself for centuries and if he’s gonna grant you any wishes you’ll at least have to pay the tax of looking at his balls.
TENNESSEE +2.5 vs. Buffalo
Usually when I write this column I do it while watching the X-Files, and the episode that’s on right now is called The Postmodern Prometheus. So it’s one of the supposedly “wacky” X-Files episodes where a double-faced, Cher-obsessed monster with a heart of gold created by his mad scientist brother impregnates lonely women who want children. The town chases after him like a Frankenstein and then finds out that he is a kind and compassionate man who turns out to be more human than all of them. After the townspeople finally see him as the victim and his brother as the true monster, Mulder and Scully take him to a Cher concert where he dances like an idiot and we’re supposed to be excited for him because he’s finally realizing his dream of being a normal human boy.
BUT… there’s still the matter of all that rape. He burned farm grade pesticide to make women pass out and then got them pregnant while dancing to “Gypsies, Tramps, and Theives.” Sure, he says a bunch of nice things at the end, but he also, you know, committed some rapes. And we’re supposed to feel good about Mulder and Scully taking him to see Cher??? Now, I’m no big city lawyer, but that would probably get EVERYONE sent to jail. Long story short, if you know somebody has admittedly committed several rapes, don’t take them to see Cher. Especially if their face is fucked up and bad.
BALTIMORE -6.5 vs. Cleveland
I think it’s funny that David Duchovny’s two most famous characters, Fox Mulder and Hank Moody, are both notorious perverts. David Duchovny, if you didn’t know, is a notorious pervert himself. I really hope that there are a bunch of Hollywood casting directors who look at a script and see a dirty pervert character and just say “let’s get Duchovny,” or at the very least “we need A Duchovny.” Duchovny is to perverts what Steve Buscemi is to ugly dudes. I think we should start referring to the guys who still buy their porn in stores as “Duchovnys” which is a lot less traumatizing than continuing to call them “dad.”
ATLANTA -7 vs. Washington
I think in the hierarchy of perverts (that’s a pretty good band name) you have to put the internet cartoon perverts pretty close to the top. I’m excluding the Japanese, because their perversions reside in a different plane of existence than the rest of us. But the internet cartoon pornography guys are getting close to that realm. It’s one thing to be like “I wonder what it’s like to see a girl fuck two other girls with ears of corn” and a completely different thing to be like “I am going to draw the Minions having sex. I want to be the first to give the Minions a penis and make them use it.”
Chicago +9 vs. KANSAS CITY
Okay fine I’ll slip back into football mode for this one just so I can make a cheap fat joke at Andy Reid’s expense. I bet if the Chiefs had a “swear jar” type system going for every time this week Andy Reid referenced “Jay Cutlet” there would be at least $1000 in there. I wouldn’t be surprised if he replaces his challenge flag with breadcrumbs this week just out of sheer optimism.
New Orleans +4.5 vs. PHILADELPHIA
I probably need to buy new sneakers soon, and that’s a bummer because I despise buying things for myself that aren’t booze or rock and roll related. I was thinking of maybe being one of those weirdos who just covers all of my stuff in duct tape, so that eventually I’m just wearing a full duct tape suit that makes me look like I’m a martian from a bad SNL sketch. I think if I didn’t have people in my life that bought me clothes every few years I would probably be a bindle away from being a cartoon hobo (note to self: get a bindle.)
GREEN BAY -8.5 vs. St. Louis
I’ve always been a dog person, but I love all animals (except for horses, fuck horses. EXCEPT for American Hero Horse Barbaro who should be put on the ten dollar bill instead of some woman who would just use those ten dollars to buy lipstick or contraceptives.) Over the past ten years or so, I’ve had more and more exposure to cats, and I realized cats are probably the most unique animal that humans have regular contact with.
Now, this isn’t necessarily a GOOD thing. Cats are the only animal I’ve met where you can hate SOME of the animal, but love others. Dogs are pretty much the same: unless you hurt them or treat them poorly they just want to run around and get pets and eat whatever is on the floor. Snakes? Lizards? Rats? Hamsters? Fish? You could have hundreds of those in your lifetime and never notice any difference in the way they act.
Fucking cats though? If you have two cats and give them the same amount of love and care and attention, you could still end up with one awesome cat and one supreme dickhead cat. Cats do not care about love. They do not care about your feelings. They will choose to love you or hate you with no bearing on the fact that you took them into your home and fed them and built them some special fucking habitat out of boxes. Cat people will tell you that this makes them BETTER than dogs because you have to “earn their love” but that’s bullshit. If a murder fiend comes into your house to make you a corpse a dog will try to bite that person’s dick off (it might take a little while if it’s a particularly stupid dog) but your cat will hide under the couch until it is safe to eat your skin. Cats CAN be great. But dogs are always better.
Seattle +3 vs. CINCINNATI
I still think it’s kind of bullshit that we can keep certain weird animals in our house but I can’t have a raccoon. I’ve been bitten by more dogs and cats than raccoons. Like I can have a tank full of poisonous fish who could POTENTIALLY KILL THE PRESIDENT but I can’t have a raccoon because it might chew on my electricity? That’s stupid and I hope the whole government touches those bad fish.
DETROIT +2.5 vs. Arizona
I still can’t believe that the didn’t let RoboCop keep his human dick.
New England -8 vs. DALLAS
I wonder if when the Pope was here he ever just turned on the TV and there were some “Everybody Loves Raymond” reruns on and he was just like “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT ITALIANS ARE LIKE!!!” but then his bodyguards got mad because they’re Italian and he had to be like “Oh no, but you guys are cool” and then as soon as they turned around he did the jerk-off motion.
I really do wonder if when the Pope comes from some other country, especially like the new Pope who comes from Argentina, they get to the Vatican and they’re surrounded by Italians and they’re just like “Jeeeesus. These fuckin’… these fuckin’ guys….” It would probably take me a little while to adjust.
OAKLAND +4.5 vs. Denver
I have a nephew now, which is pretty weird because my family shouldn’t be breeding but also because it’s hard for me to figure out what I’m supposed to be buying this kid for birthdays and holidays. Every fiber of my being says “fireworks” but then I worry that the kid might not appreciate the raw power that flames and gunpowder offer the average American. The kid is still a small baby, so I’m not eve sure what he likes yet, but am I allowed to be disappointed in a baby if it doesn’t like explosions? Also, what if the baby is gay? Gay people like fireworks, right? What if I’m not prepared to buy presents for a gay baby? Am I just going to be the worst uncle ever? I think I’m just going to buy the baby some of those donations to the World Wildlife Fund so that if the baby doesn’t like them I’ll know he’s an asshole for not wanting to save the tigers.
San Francisco +7 vs. NY GIANTS
Speaking of fireworks (no I’m not going to make a Jason Pierre-Paul joke) I’ve never met a person with too many fingers. I’ve known almost a dozen people who have had not enough fingers, and I know what their lives are like (normal except for people like me who want to know what’s the deal with their fingers) but I’ve never seen how the other half lives. If you have too many fingers, please contact me on here or on Twitter @RichKarski because I want to know how you go through life and I also want to see your weird hands. ARE YOU EXTRA GOOD OR EXTRA BAD AT FINGER BANGING THERE ARE SEVERAL PEOPLE AND A FAMOUS OCTOPUS THAT NEED TO KNOW!!!
SAN DIEGO -3 vs. Pittsburgh
Jesus are we done here? Oh thank god yes. We’re done here.
LAST WEEK: 5-9-1 *neck snaps*
SEASON TOTAL: 24-37-1