Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that will soon be owned by Nicaraguan guerillas.
It’s only week two and I’m just about ready to pack it in. I’ve already dug myself an insurmountable hole for a person who typically hovers around .500 in the pick department anyway, so what does it even matter anymore? I’ve lost. You’ve lost. Our thumbs are as broken as our spirits. Or maybe you didn’t listen to me. Maybe you decided to make your own picks and you made a bunch of money and now you’re driving your pussy yacht down to Cabo with Tobey Maguire and Antoine Walker like some fucking big shot. Well, fuck you then Mr. Big Shot, because I’m not giving up that easy! Your imaginary success has only fueled my desire to pick HARDER and STRONGER than ever. That will show you and that asshole Tobey Maguire.
Last week was all kinds of fucked up because all of the asshole teams from week one decided to show up and not be such assholes this time forcing us to reevaluate who the REAL assholes are in this scenario (it’s us we are the assholes.) It looks like pretty much every team in the league sucks and we should cancel the season and put some fucking motorcross on or some shit, right? NO! We waited all goddamned spring and summer for this and who cares if it sucks because this is football and this is what we wanted. We will watch it and pretend it’s good even when the Eagles and Giants are fisting each other at mid-field. We will watch it and pretend it’s good when Andrew Luck is burning $10,000 bills in front of Jets defenders. We will watch it and pretend it’s good when WASHINGTON is playing. This is the evil bargain we have struck, and now we will suck down these putrid games with smiles on our faces while the NFL remains just off-screen holding it’s gun on all of us. *sigh* ON TO THE PICKS. As always the home team is in caps.
Washington +3.5 vs. NY GIANTS
I almost forgot how terrible Thursday night football is ALMOST. How can we make it more terrible? LET’S INVOLVE THE FUCKING GIANTS AND DAN SNYDER’S GRAND EXPERIMENT IN SELF-DELUSION. I genuinely don’t care. I don’t care, and I’m sick of it, and I don’t want to talk about it. Unless they show a giant blown up picture of Jason Pierre-Paul’s fucked up hand, I don’t want any part of this. SHOW US THE HAND COUGHLIN! WE KNOW YOU’VE GOT PICTURES!
LOUIS +1 vs. Pittsburgh
The city with the most inexplicably popular disgusting sandwiches visits the city with the most inexplicably popular disgusting pizza for an epic battle of me trying to figure out how these people aren’t always throwing up. Seriously, if you are not from one of these cities and you eat in one of these cities do they automatically call poison control or does eating this garbage morph you into one of the locals? Is that how these cities remain populated while other, better cities exist in other, better places? I mean, at least once the Rams leave town St. Louis will still exist, in theory, as a location. If the Steelers ever left Pittsburgh all of a sudden Philadelphia would be connected to Cleveland and Buffalo by 30 miles of highway and the country wouldn’t smell so much like sausage and inbreeding.
San Diego +2.5 vs. MINNESOTA
What? No. No, we’re not giving Minnesota this much credit yet. Also maybe Melvin Gordon will be comfortable enough in Big Ten country to run for 200 yards like he used to in college. Or maybe the whole fucking Midwest will burn to the ground. What the fuck do I know?
Tampa Bay +6.5 vs HOUSTON
WELL IS TAMPA FUCKING TERRIBLE OR NOT??? I need to figure this out quickly so I know whether to stop betting against them or what. The defense was much better against Drew Brees than Marcus Mariota but Brees might actually be ruined forever. Not that Ryan Mallet and Brian Hoyer aren’t already ruined forever. Just maybe not as ruined as Brees? Fucking hell. I just really want JJ Watt to rip Jameis Winston’s throat out and tell him he used to fuck guys like him like Patrick Swayze did to Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost.
NY JETS -2.5 vs. Philadelphia
HAHAHAHA fucking Jets. Even when things are going well they can’t even get the benefit of three points as a home favorite against a team that has run for like zero yards this season. Philly’s offensive line wasn’t bad last week. They were a word that does not exist because Dante only created nine circles of hell and you would need a tenth circle of hell to even contemplate the existence of something so foul and putrid and sinister. The Jets played a pretty terrible offensive line on Monday night, and that turned out pretty well for them! So do we roll with the Jets until Geno Smith comes back to the locker room and fucks everything up somehow without even playing? Sure, why not?
CAROLINA vs. New Orleans (OFF)
RIP Drew Brees he got salmonella from that crocodile he had some dudes kill so he could hold it up for the camera and pretend his dick was bigger than a Mike and Ike. Once the figure out who is playing and what not I’ll probably make this pick via twitter when it has a line but for now I’m glad I don’t have to think about it and get sad, on Yom Kippur of all nights. Oy vey.
NEW ENGLAND -13.5 vs. Jacksonville
That is a sweet, sweet half point and I am very grateful for it to be left on the table on this holiest of days celebrating the feast of St… wait Yom Kippur is Jewish? Then why is the Pope here, is that just a coincidence?… Running interference? Interference for what?… Zionist revolution? What the hell is a Zionist?… What the hell do you mean “how can I be so ignorant about every religion?” Isn’t there some nobility in consistency at least???… Fine, fuck you and your Papist/Zionist Joint World Government, whatever the fuck that is. Loser.
BALTIMORE -2.5 vs. Cincinnati
The math on this seems simple. This is the game where Baltimore finally looks good, and the game where Cincinnati finally looks bad, reminding everyone that both teams fall somewhere in the extremely-flawed-but-maybe-with-a-little-luck echelon of contenders. Officially making them two of the most boring fucking teams in the league with boring fucking quarterbacks and boring fucking expectations. This game has the charisma of an army surplus blanket and the excitement of a neighbor’s kid’s high school graduation ceremony.
Oakland +3 vs. CLEVELAND
Go to hell. OH WAIT YOU’RE ALREADY GOING TO CLEVELAND *crowd goes wild and I run around getting so many high fives that my damned dick gets broked*
Indianapolis -3 vs. TENNESSEE
HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU FUCKING IDIOTS IF YOU HAD TRIED TO FIND GOOD PLAYERS FOR YOUR OWN TEAM INSTEAD OF GETTING THE GOOD PLAYERS ON OTHER TEAMS SUSPENDED MAYBE YOU WOULDN’T BE IN THIS MESS YOU DESERVE THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
All Patriots-related gloating aside, if Indy loses this weekend fire fucking everybody. Back up a truck full of money and K’NEX to Andrew Luck’s door and have him fucking architect his own goddamned offensive line just for fuck’s sake do not get him hurt and do not let him leave, you fucking ASSHOLES. The last fucking thing you want is for him to call Cam Newton and ask if things got better after signing a huge fucking contract extension. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE LET HIM TALK TO OR MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH CAM NEWTON. FUCK.
Atlanta -1.5 vs. DALLAS
Brandon Weeden. Give me a fucking break.
ARIZONA -6 vs. San Francisco
We finally hit a team that interests me purely for football related reasons. And it’s the Cardinals? The Arizona Cardinals? What fresh hell is this?
BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS I need to know what is going on with this team. How do the Cardinals win games and how do you beat this team??? Because as of right now it seems like most defensive coordinators are googling “Carson Palmer death potion” and “can Carson Palmer die from spells” while offensive coordinators are googling “Todd Haley jetpack” and “Todd Haley Camaro sex record” (I only had access to one offensive coordinator’s computer.) I need to find out what makes this team go, but I never will because they will never be the national game of the week and that’s what you get for being boring as wet cucumber for A WHOLE GODDAMNED CENTURY AND NO 2008 DOES NOT COUNT. FUCCCKKKK.
SEATTLE -14 vs. Chicago
I was going to look up whether Jay Cutler was playing in this game but then I laughed even considering something like that might matter.
MIAMI -3 vs. Buffalo
Weird shit happens down in Miami. That’s where that guy ate that other guy’s face BECA– USE OF DRUGS. That’s where Al Pacino was Cuban! That’s where Jim Carey found the mask from The Mask! Don/t go to Miami expecting your expectations because then your expectations will become the unexpected! HAHA but really, fuck this game too. Buffalo got up their own asses because they forgot they had Tyrod Taylor at QB. Miami can’t do anything right. These teams will run into each other for three hours and by the end even the audience at home will be experiencing symptoms of CTE.
Denver -3.5 vs. DETROIT
This is the Sunday night game? What the fuck? *scrolls back through the rest of this week’s games* Okay sure, good point. Now, I’m not saying Peyton Manning is done… but if you don’t turn off the oven he’s gonna dry out! Now, I’m not saying Peyton Manning is old… but he threw his first touchdown pass to Julius Caesar! Now, I’m not saying Peyton Manning is finished… but if you threw a couch and an air hockey table down there you’d never be able to tell he was even a basement!
GREEN BAY -6.5 vs. Kansas City
And Andy Reid’s diet lasts into week three of the season. Sending Andy Reid to Wisconsin is like sending a sex addict to Thailand: a gift they will forever be grateful for that will probably kill them before they get the chance to thank you. And he gets an extra day there! I really hope somebody else is calling the plays on Monday night, because Alex Smith will throw up his tiny hands in a fit of rage if he has to run “wheeze, wheeze, gurgle, fart” three times in a row. The perfect half-time show for this game would be that kid from Texas explaining to the two head coaches how clocks work while they nod attentively and pretend they’re not thinking about gravy.
LAST WEEK: 6-10-0 *trap door drops open*
SEASON TOTAL: 12-19-1