Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that is written in the back of Jack Nicholson’s sunglasses closet.
IT’S HERE IT’S HERE IT’S HERE NFL SEASON IS HERE WE ARE GOING TO SEE REAL FOOTBALL GAMES THAT MEAN SOMETHING AND COUNT AND WE CAN FORGET ABOUT ALL OF THAT OFF-SEASON BULLSHIT THAT PEOPLE WON’T STOP TALKING ABOUT!!!
*ESPN releases report about Patriots cheating from 2000-2007*
MOTHERFUCKER!!! Ugh, whatever. That is not going to take away my enjoyment of Week 1 of NFL football. This is the most exciting non-playoff weekend of the season and I’m going to get really drunk and bet a lot of money and yell at well-paid adults who are ruining their bodies and minds for my entertainment. Once this week is finished everyone will be talking about actual true to life on the field football… maybe. Unless of course ESPN comes out with a new report saying that while the Patriots were winning their Super Bowls they also funneled money to the Viet Cong and got Deadwood canceled.
Surprisingly, there are OTHER story lines happening this week. Story lines about the games! REMARKABLE! The top two picks in this year’s draft are playing each other in their first NFL game. Chicago and Green Bay are facing off in another edition of the sport’s most boring and over-hyped rivalry outside the NFC East. The Giants and Cowboys are facing off in another edition of the sport’s ACTUAL most boring and over-hyped rivalry. Also there are two games on Monday night! ARE YOU HORNY FOR SOME FOOTBALL??? LORD KNOWS I AM!!! ON TO THE PICKS! As always, the home team is in caps.
NEW ENGLAND -7 vs. Pittsburgh
The Patriots are going to win. They are going to cheat and they are going to win because they cheated and there isn’t a damned fucking thing you can do about it. Their cheating will bring them more glory, because this is America and if you don’t cheat to get ahead you are a fucking chump. Also the New England quarterback was allegedly aware of some footballs being deflated. Between the two Pittsburgh quarterbacks, there were a couple of rapes and many, many murdered dogs. I feel like this bears some mention as the outrage machine continues to churn. I hope the Patriots cheat so bad that Ben Roethlisberger and Michael Vick both die and then ESPN runs a story about how the Patriots killed two innocent NFL heroes because ESPN is a pile of discarded foreskin.
Green Bay -7 vs. CHICAGO
Chicago for some reason is hoping that a new coaching staff is enough to drag this corpse of a roster into the playoffs and it’s adorable. They upgraded pretty much nowhere, and after years of getting their asses handed to them by the Packers this year doesn’t look any different. Jay Cutler has been arguably a better quarterback for the Packers than he has for the Bears, who are dying to move on from him but they can’t because they gave him all the money because they are dense and were beaten into submission for so long by awful quarterbacks that they figured not being Rex Grossman was worth $100 million. They were incredibly wrong, and I am excited to wager money on this until Cutler is holding a clipboard in Buffalo.
Kansas City +1 vs. HOUSTON
Oh great this is going to be one of those weeks where I take all of the road teams to cover and I go 4-12 like a team quarterbacked by Brian Hoyer. Houston is routinely named the fattest city in the country and therefore is the only city where Andy Reid can walk the streets without being harpooned and turned into cosmetics. I imagine this game gets called at half-time when Andy Reid and Romeo Crennell get into a fistfight outside the locker rooms over a six-foot party sub.
NY JETS -3 vs. Cleveland
I swear to fucking god if this game comes on my television I will put my foot through the fucking screen.
Indianapolis -2.5 vs. BUFFALO
Ughhhh I really wanted to take Buffalo and if they had a quarterback who wasn’t some ACC asshole who will clearly never pan out, I would have. All reports indicate that the Colts are rotting from the inside out, with the coach and GM at odds because they’re both likely to get fired after this season if this team gets smashed by the Patriots again. The finger-pointing has already started and it’s lovely because this team deserves to fall into a crevasse. I can’t wait for them to hire Nick Saban as a coach/GM next year and for him to piss off Andrew Luck so badly that he leaves town and all of the fat slobs in Indianapolis cry their big fat mayonnaise tears all over their #18 Colts/Broncos half jerseys.
Miami -3.5 vs. WASHINGTON
Okay, no team in the league is as big a mess as goddamned Washington. This team would go 0-16 if at least two teams in their dumb division weren’t guaranteed to just not show up on a Sunday night (because half of all Sunday night games must contractually involve the NFC East.) Jay Gruden is somehow pulling a Fredo impression so incredible that he is somehow allowing people to compare John Gruden to Michael Corleone. The new GM’s wife accused an ESPN reporter of blowing her husband for information. Dan Snyder and the team president continue to double down on the fact that they’re not changing the team’s name even though they’ve brought the franchise so much embarrassment with the on-the-field product alone to make people want to shoot the entire organization into the sun. Ndamukong Suh may break Kirk Cousins’ entire body on Sunday and the fans will just be mad that it wasn’t Bobby Griffiths Jr. I love EVERYTHING that is happening here.
JACKSONVILLE +3 vs. Carolina
Wow. It takes a lot for me to back the Jaguars when they’re getting less than a touchdown, but aside from quarterback, linebacker, and defensive end, Carolina has no good players. Jacksonville at least has players that maaaaybe are good, and we just don’t know about it. The Panthers, on the other hand, have surrounded Cam Newton with what amounts to the cast of Any Given Sunday, only I bet LL Cool J is a better running back than Jonathan Stewart.
Seattle -4 vs. ST. LOUIS
Jesus just move this team to LA already. This is going to be a bullshit lame duck season for the Rams where the fans pretend they care so they can keep the team. Then once they’re 2-4 the fanbase will just say fuck it and start packing up the locker room themselves. With or without Cam Chancellor, who is greedily angling for more money after everyone else on his team got paid for their excellent production (shameful,) I don’t expect Nick Foles to do much against this defense but chuck it up and pray. Pray to the god of stupid bird-ass-lookin’ motherfuckers that on the ensuing interception return he doesn’t get blocked low and snap his femur in half.
ARIZONA -2.5 vs. New Orleans
Arizona is probably going to be slightly worse this year, but New Orleans could be A LOT worse, and getting less than a field goal at home makes me inclined to lean Cardinals on this one. Drew Brees killed a crocodile this week, which I guess was supposed to make us think he was a really cool and manly guy and not some idiot shill with a shit-stain on his face. Hopefully when the Saints are at home in January he can go somewhere tropical and try to hunt a sting ray.
Detroit +3 vs. SAN DIEGO
Detroit is going to win because instead of playing in the game Philip Rivers will probably be in Kentucky knocking the dust off of Kim Davis’ pussy.
TAMPA BAY -3 vs. Tennessee
Another atrocious game, but at least this one is interesting! We have thief and probably rapist Jameis Winston taking on noted Hawaiian Marcus Mariota. It’s the first NFL game for the top two picks in last year’s draft and this is never a good idea because it means that both teams are horrible and people are going to try to watch it before they realize what a huge mistake they’ve made. One of these quarterbacks has to win I guess. Unless they tie. Fuck I hope they don’t tie. I know you might want to watch this, but don’t watch this. Wait for the highlights and be thankful that you didn’t watch it.
OAKLAND +3 vs. Cincinnati
OH WHAT THE FUCK?! Maybe I lied about week one. Maybe we’re NOT horny for some football, because these games sure aren’t getting anything wet. Except maybe Mark Davis’ bottom lip because the orange Bengals helmets remind him of Cheez-Its.
Baltimore +4 vs. DENVER
Whoa, an actual game of consequence that could be entertaining and competitive! Except I really don’t want either of these teams to win a football game so I kind of hope the stadium is attacked by bees and the bees sting everybody’s dicks and all the dicks get swollen but not in a good way like when you watch women’s body building. I hope John Harbaugh gets stung on the dick twice actually, just so he can say that the bees were out to get him and it was super unfair that he got an extra dick sting and then he’ll petition the league to make sure it is illegal for anyone to get stung on the dick more than once because it’s SUPER UNFAIR AND HE’S A HUGE FUCKING BABY.
DALLAS -6 vs. NY Giants
*Does the jerk-off motion so hard that the world spins backwards on its axis and we travel back in time to the day Jerry Jones was conceived and I kick his dad right in the penis*
ATLANTA +3 vs. Philadelphia
The first of our Monday Night double-header, suspected RACIST Chip Kelly gets to hang out in the blackest (probably?) city in the country and pretend that it doesn’t bother him at all that his waiter at the restaurant was black or that there was a black guy talking to him in the hotel elevator or that sometimes when he goes into the locker room black people look at him. I think all of these black people will become a distraction, especially Julio Jones who will probably tear this sub-par secondary to shreds.
Minnesota -2.5 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
Hmm… Adrian Peterson’s first real game in a year. San Francisco’s first real game without any linebackers… AP might rush for 500 yards in this one. It would probably help if every time he got the ball he envisioned himself running away from Norv Turner’s really gross neck.