Summertime Fun Ted’s Guide to Summertime Fun, Part Three: Being a Meat Man (or Woman) -by Summertime Fun Ted

Look out jocks!

The summertime offers us one of the greatest pleasures of all: The ability to shake off the shackles of domestication and communally devour meat cooked over an open fire much like our godless ancestors did.

 

Hopefully, one day we’ll be evolved enough to follow this feast with a communal orgy by an open fire. But that is another article for another day. If you haven’t figured it out already this article is about the joy of grilling, barbecuing, and consuming cooked flesh. Now, this isn’t going to be a how to or a recipe to follow, I feel like someone has done that on this website before…  Yeah I’m sure of it and I bet they were great articles. Maybe someone could put a link to them somewhere.

 

Grilling is great introduction to outdoor cooking. Most people mistakenly refer to this as Barbecue. It is not. I’ll cover that in the next section. Maybe the most fun person at a party is the one who is working the grill. He’s slinging burgers so you don’t have to and if he’s doing it right, your going to want to be his best friend. And I don’t mean like OMG we are BFF’s kind of best friends. I mean like you’ll feel comfortable calling him up and telling him about how you can’t stop crying. That’s how good a burger can be.

 

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Ladies love a sensitive meat man.

 

So how do you grill like that? Well, the right kind of grill is important. I prefer charcoal, but some people use propane. I recommend learning how to cook with both. You need to be prepared for anything at a party, Propane, charcoal, or it turning into a big old communal orgy.  I use to have a propane grill but it was a piece of garbage and never worked right.  Also it was given to me by this man.

 

 

Tim Messenger: comedy person

Tim Messenger: comedy person

 

So now that you figured out what medium you want to cook with, you need to get something to grill. Almost anything that already tastes good tastes better grilled.  Start with something you already like. When you go to the store don’t be afraid to spend a little bit more on better premium ingredients.  You are having a party, its okay to be a little decedent. Besides, if you are using cheap bargain bin stuff your food might end up tasting like it was made by a vagrant cooking with a trash can fire (Note: I have had some amazing feasts at hobo luaus, I don’t want to discourage anyone who is pro at cooking with a trashcan fire). 

 

There are entire books written about which cuts of meat need to be prepared one way or another so I don’t have time to go into it here, but familiarize yourself with marinades and how to use a meat tenderizer.

 

TLC (via wisegeek.org)

TLC (via wisegeek.org)

 

The last thing I’ll say on the subject is this and it may be the most important: Use salt and pepper liberally. Most food at cook outs is so under seasoned it is as bland as a man at a cookout with out a Hawaiian shirt.

 

Summertime Fun Ted and the Gayest Man in Hollywood.

Summertime Fun Ted and the Gayest Man in Hollywood.

 

Now that we’ve got the basics of grilling out of the way (I think) lets move on to Barbecuing. As I said earlier someone on this site wrote about Barbecuing ad nauseam. Really, they wrote about it so much that while sitting in an airport in North Carolina they gave up on an article and wrote almost nothing for the next nine months.  Thats how much this guy wrote about barbecue.

 

Anyway. Barbecuing is a great summertime fun skill to have. It requires a great deal of prep time and energy but it is totally worth it. Let’s take something like pulled pork. It can take up to three days to take a pork butt…

 

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from this…

 

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…to this!

 

But heres the thing, all of that work can be done in advance of the party leaving you time to enjoy the party. Most of your conversations will begin like this, “Hey are you the guy who made this pulled pork, its amazing.”

 

“Yeah it was me. Thanks, I’m glad you like it.” (Bats away a hand job attempt from the right, bats away hand job attempt from the left.)

 

If you want this to be you, invest in a smoker and take my self-defense course on how to bat away wayward hand jobs. Another great advantage to barbecuing is most people rarely have actual slow cooked smoked meat. It makes you seem incredibly interesting and talented. This article is quickly turning into a how to pick up girls article. But what can I say, the way to a woman’s vagina is through her stomach. Don’t believe me? Pick up an anatomy book.

 

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People still read books right? Who cares. Here’s another picture of a grill.

 

‘Hey Summertime Fun Ted, I’m a vegetarian and or have many vegetarian friends can I have cook out fun?’ No my friend you are shit out of luck. Oh wait. Never mind, just read this article. Cooking outdoors in the summertime is the right of every man and woman on the planet. (Everyone except the Italians, because you can’t eat spaghetti outside. And don’t give me any bullshit about pasta salad. If you are putting mayonnaise on a starch its Red Bliss Potatoes or nothing.)

 

So, I think that about covers it for this edition.

If you have any questions you can contact me by lighting a pineapple on fire and playing Thunder Road on a steel drum.

 

 



Ted Pettingell

Ted is a contributor at UnSceneComedy.com. Ted loves comedy. He hates writing short Bios about himself. Ted is very good at comedy. He is not very good at writing his Bio. Ted is constantly working on his comedy. Ted rarely works on writing his Bio. Ted tell his jokes at all the major clubs in Boston. Ted writes his Bio on his home computer. Ted has appeared in several comedy festivals. His Bio has not. Ted was the Comic in Residence at the Comedy Studio in December 2010. His Bio took the month off to spend time with family. Lets review Comedy Good, Bios Bad.