Welcome to the third season preview edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that ghostwrote the lyrics on every album produced by Death Row Records.
Hey guys, remember when there were a lot of talks about fewer preseason games and then the greedy-ass owners decided they wanted to still charge season ticket holders for two games apiece that don’t mean shit because the players wouldn’t consent to a concussion-filled 18 game season? HOW’S THAT WORKING OUT FOR EVERYBODY???
Preseason injuries seem to be wreaking havoc on the NFL this year, AND I HAVEN’T EVEN FINISHED PICKING TEAM WIN TOTALS YOU ASSHOLES. The most significant injury was Jordy Nelson’s torn ACL but HAHAHA GREEN BAY DOESN’T HAVE AN OWNER WHO CAN AFFECT CHANGE BECA– USE THE TEAM IS OWNED BY 14,000 CHUNKY RUBES!!! A lot of the injuries have happened in practice, so it’s not entirely fair to blame the games, but who the fuck needs them? Sure, I’ve still been betting on them, but I’ve mostly been taking unders and rooting for games to be boring and lifeless really defeats the spirit of the thing. One of the teams in this week’s preview has already had an injury that might fuck their season something fierce, and we still have two weeks to go! WILL ONE OF YOUR TEAM’S STAR PLAYERS BE THE NEXT CASUALTY??? Feel the anxiety!
Ugh, okay. This week’s preview consists of the goddamned dregs of the NFL. I can’t help it that the two worst divisions in the league use the same directional modifier (sure, I could have helped the fact that I chose to preview teams in pairs by said modifiers BUT WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS DECIDING TO DO THAT DAD???) We’re going to have to get through this together. Like a family losing a child, it’s going to be difficult, and it’s going to strain our relationship, and we’ll probably end up secretly resenting and blaming each other for the death but you know what it happened and there’s nothing we can do to change it! BILLY IS GONE AND IF YOU HADN’T LEFT THE SCREEN DOOR OPEN THE COYOTES NEVER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN HIM!!!
Anyway, this week we’re previewing the *sigh* AFC and NFC *gulp* South… ON TO THE PICKS (PLEASE REFRAIN FROM READING IF YOU HAVE A HEART CONDITION OR ARE PREGNANT OR IF YOUR HEART IS PREGNANT WITH LOVE BECA– USE THESE TEAMS WILL SUCK OUT YOUR SOUL AND LEAVE YOU AN EMPTY HUSK OF APATHY.)
Indianapolis Colts UNDER 11 wins
I know I said I wouldn’t talk about this in great detail, but FUCK RYAN GRIGSON. What a fucking useless coward. He cost everyone so much time and the league so much money by running up to the fucking league office and tattling on the Patriots because he was mad that the team HE BUILT hasn’t been able to stop the fucking run for two years. Eat a bag of pickled assholes Grigson.
Let me be clear: I am NOT picking the under out of spite. I’m picking the under because Grigson continues to build his team like a fucking nine year old playing Madden. He went out and got Frank Gore. He got Andre Johnson. He drafted a wide receiver and then signed another one to a huge contract. He also did NOTHING to address the offensive line or defense. Andrew Luck gets hit more than a gong on Chinese New Year probably, and when JJ Watt snaps his collarbone I hope Jim Irsay pops some Percocets and cleans out Grigson’s office by his own damn self. I mean, what the FUCK is this guy thinking? “The Patriots put up 45 points every time they play us, BUT… if I put together an offense that can score 38 POINTS per game, then… well… THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE!” If you put Andrew Luck on the Buffalo Bills they would win the next six Super Bowls. Instead he’s going to lose to the Pats or Ravens or Steelers in the playoffs every fucking year until he gets sick of that bullshit and decides to pursue his true love of architecture DID YOU GUYS KNOW HE WENT TO STANFORD FOR ARCHITECTURE?! WHAT A LEADER!!!
Houston Texans UNDER 8.5 wins
Ugh, this is another team that would be fucking dynamite if they had a quarterback like Andrew Luck. Instead they get a guy who the CLEVELAND BROWNS thought wasn’t good enough, and a guy who thinks he’s a very tall Eminem. Jesus Christ this division is like a fucked up Wizard of Oz situation where the teams are all lacking some important body part and then some hick idiot came along to tell them that they had it all along but everyone knows that isn’t true and then she goes home and fuck those other guys, right?
Jadeveon Clowney might never play a goddamned game, and it doesn’t even matter because JJ Watt is like four Jadeveon Clowneys wrapped in white skin so even if Clowney came back and recorded 44 sacks Texans fans would just see those as sacks he was taking away from Watt. Also Arian Foster is dead, and the rest of their offense is… uhhh… what’s a word for terrible that is also vulgar and insulting to people from Texas? Shitsuckesque? It’s vulgar, it’s French, and I’m gonna roll with it. Operation Jade Helm presents more of a danger to NFL defenses than the Texans offense.
Jacksonville Jaguars OVER 5.5 wins
ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR THE 6-10 JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS??? GET THE FUCK EXCITED BECA– USE THEIR SUPER MARIO BROTHER OWNER AND STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN IMPERSONATOR OF A COACH HAVE REALLY BUILT SOMETHING DOWN THERE!!!
Blake Bortles was the worst quarterback in the NFL last year by every conceivable measure. So why do I think this team could win more than five games? Because sometimes you just have to believe. Sure, they lost their first round pick to a devastating knee injury on the first play of his NFL career. Sure, they still for some inexplicable reason employ Toby Gerhart. Sure, they have no talent on defense and their biggest free agent acquisition already broke the hand that he’s supposed to be able to catch footballs with. But what’s more Jacksonville than getting fucked out of a good draft pick with a useless season that puts them just outside the top six? This is what you deserve when your city is 5,000 square miles of swamp inhabited by sex offenders and personal injury lawyers.
Tennessee Titans UNDER 5.5 wins
HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD GROSS IT’S THE TITANS! I don’t care how Hawaiian your quarterback is, you still have zero talent on either side of the ball and your best defensive player has already torn his dick off or something. Stop trying to be a football team. You’re bumming everybody out.
Carolina Panthers UNDER 8.5 wins
The offensive line, which was horrendous last year, is already dealing with Ryan Kalil spraining his knee. Oh and by the way Kelvin Benjamin tore his ACL so now Cam Newton will be throwing the football to… himself? God? He’s probably just going to heave the ball out of bounds and hope it hits Ron Rivera in the groin. They actually might be considering bringing in Randy Moss to loaf it on running plays and give Cam dirty looks after he gets drilled behind the line before he can force the ball into triple coverage. Randy Moss has not been a useful receiver since 2009 and has not played in the NFL since 2012. They might as well trot out a corpse wrapped in double sided tape and hope the ball sticks to it every once in a while.
Newton got a big contract extension this offseason, and the Panthers have still decided to surround him with an offensive line made of tissue paper and receivers that are actually scarecrows posing as human men. By year three his body will be held together with glue and then they will have to shoot him on the field and he will be turned into the glue with which they will hold together the next Panthers QB. Such is the circle of life.
Atlanta Falcons OVER 8.5 wins
God what a shitty division. Everyone is just crossing their fingers and hoping for mediocrity this year. I’ve actually thrown up twice since I started writing this preview and I can’t tell if I’m hungover or just so disgusted by having to dedicate time and effort to pretending anyone gives a shit about either of these garbage pail collections of fraudulent teams. Also the Colts are the only team in either South that plays in an area where anyone gives a shit about professional football. These idiots would rather tailgate at an empty SEC stadium in dumb pastel suits and pretend rape culture and gun violence aren’t real things than spend 20 minutes learning the names of their home team’s players. We should have just let the South secede and then built a wall around it and filled it with lava.
Anyway, I’ve been picking the over on the Falcons for the past two years and it has come back to bite me in the ass both times, but I blame most of that on Mike Smith who I think was fired from a cannon into the sun. Maybe now Dan Quinn (another bootleg Steve Austin) can actually field a competent defense and stop wasting Julio Jones’ time. If not, get yourself ready for another 10+ loss season where they led half of those games by 17 at some point and then decided they were happy just to be included. They’re like the chubby kid on the playground that smells like onions who gets called into a flag football game just to have an even number of players. You could absolutely have a season without them, it’s just too much of a hassle to do it so you let them go in there and stink.
New Orleans Saints UNDER 8.5 wins
What in the fuck did the Saints do to themselves? They traded pretty much their whole offense, so now when Drew Brees throws a hundred interceptions it won’t be because he was staring down Jimmy Graham. It will be because he spent the whole summer staring at the sun and burning a hole into his brain trying to forget that the team has decided to throw one of the final years of his prime right into the garbage. Oh and they lost one of their best pass rushers because he was caught on video whipping a woman with a belt and not even in a sexy way like they do in the movies. This was like a “your kid spilled your beer so you dragged him to the woodshed” type of belt whipping. This was not a good whipping.
But the future looks bright for them, right? HAHAHAHA NO! They are still going to be way over the cap next summer and at that point Brees will be doing the whole “team player in public who is trying desperately to force his way out of town behind the scenes” dance. They’ll then have to watch him win a Super Bowl in Arizona or Buffalo while everyone in New Orleans goes back to not giving a shit about this team and probably filling the stadium with water again.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers UNDER 6 wins
“Hey should we draft this rapist and then pretend he isn’t a rapist and then spend all summer talking about what a great guy he is?” *Lovie Smith stares blankly into the bay then tries to call a timeout and throw a challenge flag into it.*
Despite Mike Evans being a monster, this team will suck. Jameis will throw 14 touchdowns against 25 interceptions and then act indignant when people suggest he needs to play better. It’s going to be a fun season for Bucs fans! First trying to talk themselves into believing their quarterback is not a giant sack of shit, then watching him fall on his ass and dick and balls every Sunday and slipping right back into believing he IS a giant sack of shit. Then they will go back to drinking gasoline under an overpass and driving by high schools to ogle underage girls.
Oh yeah, and Lovie Smith is still the coach. Don’t forget that Lovie Smith is the coach. Lovie Smith cares so little about offense, and builds his defense to rely so heavily on turnovers, that he just assumes the role of the quarterback is to give the ball to the other team. He’s going to be praising Jameis all season for playing this role perfectly until somebody tries to explain how football works to him and he gets confused and falls over. The most entertaining thing this team has done since their one Super Bowl was get everybody infected with MRSA. So let’s root for that again! I hope it rots the stupid fucking superfluous “I” right out of Jameis’s dumb asshole name.