Welcome to this year’s edition of THE DICK PICKS SEASON PREVIEW: the only NFL season preview/gambling column that your mom jerks-off to in between 50 Shades of Gray books.
ANNNNNNND WEEEEEEEEEE’RRRRRREEEEEE BACK! Football season is only a month away, which is great because I haven’t seen a man dance after hitting another man since like St. Patrick ’s Day. I have also had to resort to betting on WNBA basketball to get my fix (ALWAYS TAKE THE UNDER IT’S NOT SEXIST THEY JUST PLAY REALLY GOOD DEFENSE AND SOMEHOW NEVER FOUL I SWEAR!)
Just because I wasn’t writing about football doesn’t mean that football things weren’t happening. I held off on writing about them because I didn’t want my head to explode, but isn’t that what this article is about? Bashing the shameless self-aggrandizing pig fucker that is Roger Goodell? I’m not going to get too far into the deflated footballs thing because I am obviously biased and everyone is sick of it, but the way Goodell has carried himself through this whole ordeal has been disgusting. “How dare anybody question my ability to do whatever I want for reasons that only make sense to me?!” He has spent an entire decade tripping over his own dick in public and he is rewarded with tens of millions of dollars per year. There are only 31 people in the entire country that do not agree that he is terrible at his job, and unfortunately they are the ones who sign his giant paychecks that an Ed McMahon impersonator delivers to his house with a bunch of fucking balloons. Roger Goodell can get fucked with a dildo made of wasps. END RANT.
In case you didn’t read my season previews last year because presumably you were spending those two weeks suspended in a glass coffin above Times Square in a mesmerizing feat of human endurance, I’ll explain how this works. I will make my picks on each team’s over/under for total victories on the season, and then I will say very mean things about each team’s players, coaches, and the city in which they are located. And I will be drunk. Are we clear on the rules? Good. I’m breaking this season up into four weeks, with two divisions done each week because last year’s previews were long as hell and asking someone to read 4500 words at a time online is the equivalent of asking them to floss your teeth: weird and gross in a very sexually sadistic way.
This week I’m previewing the AFC and NFC East.
ON TO THE PIIIIIIIICCCCCKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSS!
New England Patriots OVER 10.5 wins
Even if the Brady suspension doesn’t get overturned, I’m picking New England to win at least 11 games. Jimmy Garwopdago may have to start the first four games, but I’m pretty confident that he can pull the Pats out of there with at least a 1-3 record despite the unfortunate character flaw of being Italian and yelling “Mama Mia!” after every pass he throws. We get it Jimmy, your mama-make-a-da-best-pasta-sauce. Jesus, give it a rest. Even Vinny Testaverde had the good sense not to boil ravioli in the whirlpools at half-time.
If Chef BoyarQB (ew, that was really a stretch. Get your shit together Rich) can win just that one game, then Brady would have to go 10-2 against the rest of the schedule that contains only two playoff teams from last year. Even though Buffalo and Miami are improved and nobody ever knows what the hell to expect from the Giants, I think he’ll be motivated enough to pull it off. Sure, the secondary will be absolutely terrible, but hopefully the front seven can ease their suffering enough that the offense can carry the team again. Also re: the secondary, please don’t tout Malcolm Butler right now. He couldn’t even get on the field over KYLE ARRINGTON last year until Kyle Arrington died on the field during the Super Bowl from eating too much of Chris Matthews’ dick too fast. RIP Kyle Arrington: He Couldn’t Eat That Much Dick.
Miami Dolphins UNDER 9 wins
If I’m being honest this feels like a push. I still don’t think Ryan Tannehill is good and just because they brought in Ndamukong Suh to step on Brady’s ankles, I really can’t buy that this is the year they finally break through. Unless, of course, Suh clubs Brady’s knee with a police baton while Roger Goodell deposits $20 million into his off-shore bank account. Then they have a shot. Even if this team wins 13 games the only people who will give a shit are Daniel Tosh and Mercury Morris because nobody even likes the Dolphins. Everyone in Miami is too busy for football because they’re indulging in America’s next great pastime: gay roller-disco cocaine parties.
Buffalo Bills OVER 8.5 wins
What an offseason for the Bills. Their coach ditched them, so they hired Rex Ryan who runs a locker room like someone built a frat house inside a Senor Frogs. Then he ate a dog biscuit for some reason. Then former first round draft pick EJ Manuel, who is currently the third string quarterback, became more interested in trying to throw a football to the moon than to his receivers. They also traded for LeSean McCoy who left the implied racism of Chip Kelly’s locker room for the cold and blatant racism of Buffalo. Their presumed starting quarterback is anthropomorphic dry white toast Matt Cassel. They also just picked up a guy who violently assaulted a teammate just days ago (MORE ON THAT IN A MINUTE!) Why the hell did I pick the over for this team?
Because their defense is absolutely ferocious. As long as the shitty offensive line doesn’t get Cassel murdered, they have enough talented skill players for the defense to drag them to plenty of 20-17 wins. They could be a repeat of Ryan’s first couple of Jets teams that went to the AFC Championship game with Mark Goddamned Sanchez. Then they’ll get to the playoffs and remember they are the Bills and they’re supposed to make everyone sad because everyone in that city deserves to be sad because they haven’t done the smart thing and packed their shit and turned Buffalo into the ghost town it deserves to be. Buffalo is basically Chernobyl if everyone was too stupid to leave and developed tumors made of fried cheese. (Editor’s Note: As a person haling from from Western NY, I am both offended and completely understanding of this.)
New York Jets UNDER 7.5 wins
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS! NEVER CHANGE YOU BEAUTIFUL MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!! Their “franchise” QB was punched out and had his jaw broken by a teammate this week. That is the most incredible sentence I’ve ever typed here. AND EVERYONE ON THE TEAM IS DEFENDING THE OTHER GUY!!!! Now their quarterback is noted Harvard alumnus Ryan Fitzpatrick who can’t read coverages because they’re not written in Latin. AND THEY’RE PROBABLY BETTER OFF FOR IT!!! At least they have all of the cornerbacks though, right? Chisel 5-11 onto this team’s tombstone and bury them and then pour concrete over the grave so that they don’t come back as zombies who whisper mean shit about each other to reporters.
Dallas Cowboys OVER 9.5 wins
Ughhhhhhh another season of HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS??!!!! And if that isn’t enough everyone will also be hearing about how they were screwed out of a playoff win in Green Bay (true) and how the Packers choked the game away (true) in a way they wouldn’t have (true, but only because they would have choked it away far more spectacularly) costing them a trip to the Super Bowl. This is a team that will win ten games, but I’m not buying that they’re ready to step up as a top tier NFC team. This is where Cowboys fans start yelling: “THEY ALREADY ARE ONE DIDN’T YOU SEE US BEAT SEATTLE AND ALMOST WIN A PLAYOFF GAME IN LAMBEAU?!!!” And then I’m like “Relax the refs gifted you a game against Detroit at home and Philadelphia handed you the division by collapsing down the stretch and speaking of stretch I can see the stretch marks on your flabby arms from getting too fat too fast.”
This is a team with an excellent offensive line that leaned on the run game and had a suspiciously great season from Tony Romo last year. They (probably wisely) let last year’s best running back walk in free agency, but the replaced him with a guy whose legs are made of despair. Also Romo’s numbers are bound to come down to earth a little bit even though Dez Bryant is the fucking realest. Jason Witten is still here too, and he continues to be the greatest player in the league who absolutely nobody gives a fuck about. Final verdict: They’ll be good, but not good enough to avoid another crushing disappointment!
Philadelphia Eagles UNDER 9.5 wins
Wait… what??? Are you… are you fucking with me? Chip Kelly chased all of their good players out of town because he is a SECRET RACIST and traded for Sam Bradford (IR) which is just how his name should always appear in print from now on. Jeremy Maclin is gone. Shady McCoy is gone. Evan Mathis is gone, proving that Chip doesn’t hate black people so much as he hates good players. Remember, this is a man who brought in NOTED MEXICAN Mark Sanchez. If anything he’s just racist against quality, which is why… NINE AND A HALF WINS??!!! I know they won ten last year, but that was with players who Chip Kelly hated, which means they were better than the people replacing them. If this team is better than 7-9 then maybe Chip Kelly’s system is magic after all and since this is a copycat league all of the black players will be cut overnight. THINK OF THE REJOICING ON SPORTS TALK RADIO! Also it is my duty to mention that Philly is a garbage city that somehow managed to sneak out of New Jersey WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS IT BELONGS. Thank you.
New York Giants OVER 8.5 wins
Full disclosure: Every time I bet on or against the fucking Giants I am wrong because they are dirty bastard fucks. Since I feel in my heart that the Giants will be a terrible mess of a team they will probably end up winning this stupid division and Tom Coughlin will enjoy a nice Werther’s Original as a special treat. Eli Manning, if he survives this season with an offensive line that has a worse survival rate than Marines in the Pacific Theatre, seems to be more comfortable in this system which should be encouraging for Giants fans.
This may be due entirely to the fact that Odell Beckham Jr. is here now and will catch anything that isn’t a fade into the end zone (which the Giants will still throw 200 times this season because they cannot run the ball for dick.) This is somehow the most boring team in football and their franchise-tagged player BLEW HIS FUCKING FINGER OFF WITH FIREWORKS!!! AND I STILL DON’T CARE ABOUT THEM!!! Eli just infects everything with his dumb mouth-breathing banality. When he retires he’s going to spend the rest of his life sitting on a porch and staring at nothing in particular while his kids are out in a field eating bugs. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes because their fucking idiot mouths just won’t close.
Washington Clownboners UNDER 6.5 wins
Lastly, we come to the toxic waste spill on the Potomac that is the Washington Raisindicks. This is a franchise whose coach and quarterback are in open combat with each other over whether Bobby Griffiths Jr. is good enough to handle Jay Gruden’s system. That’s like arguing about if your three legged dog could eat an entire carton of rotten eggs. I mean, probably? But why the fuck would you ever want to see that??? BGDos is going to be in another uniform next year anyway (J-E-T-S MESS! MESS! MESS!) so this is going to be a lame duck year with the world’s worst staring contest between two guys who don’t deserve their jobs and instead of cooperating to keep those jobs will most likely sabotage each other just to prove a fucking point.
JAY: “You can’t run so much Bobby!”
BOBBY: “SORRY JAY BUT THAT 3 YARD SCRAMBLE MADE THE PUNT SO MUCH EASIER!”
BOBBY (to media:) ”In another system my talent might shine through, but I’m just here to do what I’m told.”
JAY( to media:) “No I have not made a decision about who is starting this Sunday.”
FEEL THE EXCITEMENT GUYS DAN SNYDER MIGHT BRING BRETT FAVRE OUT OF RETIREMENT AND DIG UP VINCE LOMBARDI’S GRAVE!!!
ANNNNNNND that does it for this week.
Join us next week where I will preview the AFC and NFC North, WHERE EVERY CITY IS A DEPRESSING HELL-HOLE EXCEPT CHICAGO!