Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s A SONG I HEARD TODAY: the only online music review column that had its wisdom teeth removed and is currently writing this article under the influence of painkillers.
It is hot as two motherfuckers outside (two motherfuckers are hotter than one motherfucker because of friction) and as a result I am sweaty and cranky. For the record I was NOT one of those people who said they would not complain about the summer heat while we were getting face-fucked by two hundred feet of snow. I ALWAYS complain about the summer heat because it is bad and being hot is the worst and getting sweaty makes me want to stab the idiot sun with a very large knife. Therefore I would never make such promises.
“Well Rich, why don’t you go to the beach? Everybody loves the beach!” WRONG. I hate the beach. For one, there are people there, and those people are there for “fun.” Any place that people congregate because they are looking to have fun is going to be terrible because groups of like-minded people seeking fun are how every religion and genocide start. For two, the whole damn thing is covered in sand and if you thought you keep that sand out of your shoes, ears, hair, and crotch you are sadly mistaken because Mother Nature makes the rules and she’s decided to build a foreskin sandcastle.
Lastly, and most importantly, I hate the beach because that’s where sharks live. I saw a video this week of people helping a great white shark back into the ocean after it washed up on a beach. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT HE IS ON LAND FUCK HIM UP! If you were in the ocean, and that shark saw you flopping around like an asshole he would not carefully guide you back to land. I would have punched the shit out of that shark and been like,
“Oh. I’m sorry you son of a bitch. I thought you were a seal MY PREHISTORIC BRAIN ONLY RECOGNIZES VAGUE SHAPES!” That was their one chance to beat the shit out of a great white shark and they chose cowardice over IMMORTALITY.
Where the fuck was I going with this? Oh yeah, the beach is garbage. But you know what isn’t garbage? The Beach BOYS.
That’s why for this week’s song I have chosen “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by The Beach Boys off of their classic album Pet Sounds (does not contain actual pet sounds.)
The Beach Boys are a band that got famous for singing songs that talked a lot about surfing and listed the names of a lot of different places where one could possibly surf. It’s quite possible that they invented surfing, but nobody will ever know for sure because all records from that era were destroyed by a gnarly wave. The band was made up of three brothers named Brian, Dennis, and Carl Wilson, and then two other assholes.
They are one of the most commercially successful bands of all time because people go apeshit for songs about good vibrations and tiny Santa Clauses. Brian Wilson went crazy for a long time and wouldn’t leave his bed, and then one of his brothers drowned and the other one died of cancer which I am assuming was also beach related. Also now John Stamos is in the band sometimes! They’ve had quite a wild ride.
When you first listen to the song it sounds like a pretty normal ’60s love song sung by men who aren’t quite sure what a boob feels like. You might also be thinking “Why isn’t anybody talking about surfing? And why aren’t they listing off the names of places? Are you sure this is the Beach Boys?” and yes I am sure, but this was during the period where Brian Wilson realized that he was good at music and was like “Surfing is fun and all, but sometimes people are sad too,” and his bandmates were all “What are you talking about Brian, nobody can be sad with a surfboard in their hands!” and then one of them drowned. But that was much later. Anyway, shall we move on to the lyrics?
Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?/Then we wouldn’t have to wait so long
Good news! You guys are old as shit now and some of you are even dead so THE WAIT HAS ENDED! I think they’re talking about waiting for sex, which is stupid because once you get old nobody wants to have sex anymore because everybody is sore and their bodies are gross. Then again banging as teens, despite your bodies being young and nubile, is awful too because nobody knows how to stand or where to put anything and 90% of the time somebody will end up crying. In other words sex is always bad.
And wouldn’t it be nice to live together/In the kind of world where we belong?
This is starting to sound less and less like a love song and more like a suicide pact. “This world is not for us, but in death we shall be together forever.”
You know it’s gonna make it that much better/When we can say goodnight and stay together
Oh holy shit they’re really going to kill themselves aren’t they?! “WE COULD WALK NUDE INTO THOSE WAVES AND EMERGE CLEANSED IN THE BOND OF DEATH!”
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could wake up/In the morning when the day is new?/After having spent the day together/Hold each other close the whole night through
Okay maybe I overreacted. They just want to be able to fuck all night and then wake up and fuck again. This is fine. This is good.
Happy times together we’ve been spending/I wish that every kiss was never ending
NOPE NEVERMIND IT’S A MURDER SUICIDE. YOU NEED THE KISSES TO END SO YOU CAN BREATHE AND ALSO EAT WHY MUST YOU SEEK YOUR WATERY GRAVE IN THE NAME OF FORBIDDEN LOVE????
Wouldn’t it be nice?
Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true/Then there wouldn’t be a single thing we couldn’t do
Imagine how long we could fuck for if we were IMMORTAL?!!
We could be married/And then we’d be happy
WHO IS FEEDING YOU THIS BAD INFORMATION?!
You know it seems the more we talk about it/It only makes it worse to live without it/But let’s talk about it
If you haven’t convinced her to join you in the afterlife with your promises of marriage and never-ending kisses and cuddles, then maybe she just doesn’t like your dick all that much? Just do me a favor. Let her walk away. Don’t be one of those guys who takes things into his own hands because he can’t handle rejection…
Good night my baby/Sleep tight my baby/Good night my baby/Sleep tight my baby
Well, there you have it. This song is about an aborted murder suicide that turned into a regular old murder because of MALE PRIVILEGE! YOU KNOW MAYBE IF GUYS JUST GOT TO FUCK WHENEVER THEY WANTED THERE WOULDN’T BE ANY MORE MURDERS AND MAYBE THE BEACH BOYS HAVE BEEN TRYING TO WARN US ALL ALONG!
Hell, back in those days a young man could probably bury dozens of potential lovers before the local sheriff showed up at his door and made him join the army. “Alright Elroy. Been getting a lot of complaints about the local girls disappearing after walking up No Return Pass with you during a full moon. Now, we’re gonna let these first eight slide, on account of I’m such good friends with your dad, but I get any more complaints and you’ll be digging trenches in Korea before you can say ‘I’m too gay to be in the Army.’”
So after careful review this song still gets an A+ because it’s great.
Just next time you listen to it say a silent prayer for all of the lovers who have been wrongfully murdered because their ex is a crazy nightmare.