Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s A SONG I HEARD TODAY: the only online music review column that can’t find its keys and is getting really fucking annoyed right now you guys.
I took last week off because it was the 4th of July and I figured everybody would be too busy celebrating America to read anything on the internet that wasn’t about people being maimed by fireworks AND THAT’S OKAY!
We all need a break once in a while so we can reflect on how we’re wasting our perceived freedom by accepting our roles as cogs in the corporate machine because our access to food and shelter is dictated by the whims of very wealthy men who would put you and your entire family in the streets if it meant they could continue to play golf at a place where they didn’t have to look at black people.
Which gets me to my point. Donald Trump has decided to run for president on the platform that immigrants are evil and would steal your baby for its tender meat if you take your eyes off it for a second. This is despite the fact that all of his ugly buildings would probably fall down if immigrants weren’t around to unclog the toilets for $6 an hour.
Immigrants are what make this country great. They sell us our liquor. They paint everything so that the smoke stains from our Marlboros do not jeopardize the return of our security deposits. They eat our fat, unwanted children. Without immigrants this country would cease to function because nobody is buying food from an American on the street at 2 AM.
With that in mind, I decided to dedicate this week’s column to a song by a notable immigrant, who defied all odds by achieving the American dream of riding his father’s success into fame and fortune despite minimal talent and a lack of height. I am talking of course about Latin superstar Enrique Iglesias. As I was buying cigarettes and lottery tickets today in a convenience store (ALSO RUN BY IMMIGRANTS BECA– USE THEY CARE ABOUT MY FUTURE PROSPECTS OF BECOMING A MILLIONAIRE AND DEVELOPING LUNG CANCER)
I heard this song for the first time in quite a while, and was struck by its lasting beauty. Just kidding. I laughed a lot because the song was bad and a man in line got visibly upset that it was playing.
That song was “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias.
Let’s see if Enrique is qualified to be a hero or if he is responsible for giving immigrants in this country a bad name through the power of song.
For those of you who are not familiar with Enrique, he got famous for a while in the late ’90s and early 2000s and he dated that Russian tennis player that very boring people found attractive. He was born in Spain, which is like if Mexico had an older brother who owned a nightclub. He is also a tiny man who created and marketed a line of extra small condoms because he was tired of his very tiny dick being discriminated against by companies who were only looking out for the interest of majestic American cocks. So he is already making a case for being a hero, but only if you have a little baby weiner.
When I first heard the song it made me think about 9/11 because I’m pretty sure it came out right about that time and after the towers went down radio stations wouldn’t stop playing it because HEROES ARE IMPORTANT. I’m not trying to diminish what the NYPD and FDNY did on 9/11 because running into a collapsing building that is on fire to save people’s lives is metal as fuck but that’s why if I were in their position I would want them to play “War Pigs” in my honor instead of this whiny garbage. WE ARE STRONG BADASS HEROES AND WE DESERVE TO BE HONORED BY A TINY MAN’S PLEA TO BE RECOGNIZED AS A HERO AS WELL! Let’s get to the lyrics so I can show you what I mean.
Would you dance/If I asked you to dance?/Would you run/And never look back?
Okay so already Enrique is the sad kid at the middle school dance who is intimidated because all of the girls are taller than him (for the record they still are) and he’s terrified by their awkward emerging breasts. And yes, the correct response to Enrique asking you to dance is to run and never look back in case he gets a weird Tic Tac boner while he’s grinding on your leg.
Would you cry/If you saw me crying?/Would you save my soul tonight?
No, they would probably laugh if they saw you crying about a girl not wanting to dance because children are cruel. As far as your soul goes, they would probably promise to save it if you met them under the bleachers with no pants on but then they would all show up and take pictures of your embarrassing penis and post them online. Cyber-bullying is a crime, you guys.
Would you tremble/If I touched your lips/Would you laugh?/Oh please tell me this
I just said they would laugh, but not with you. They would be laughing at your weird lip touching, and to reiterate: also at your bee sting of a dick.
Now would you die/For the one you love?/Hold me in your arms tonight
I guess most people would die for the one they love but that’s a fucked up question to ask someone before demanding that they hold you. “Hey before we cuddle can I just ask you if there is anyone that you would give your life for? No pressure, just curious. Like, if there was one person in this room that you would take a bullet for, who would it be?” “…” “I guess we’ll just watch Netflix then?”
I can be your hero baby
“Remember all of that needy cowardice I just displayed? Put your life in my hands. You won’t regret it. You will probably be dead very shortly after making that decision, BUT… the dead have no regrets. Think about it at least.”
I can kiss away your pain
“As long as your pain is mostly due to a scraped knee. And I guess even then medical science has not proven this to be particularly effective.”
I can stand by you forever/You can take my breath away
See, one thing I’ve learned about heroes is that most of them tend to breathe normally. When shit hits the fan, putting your faith in an asthmatic is a dicey proposition at best. WHAT IF THERE ARE STAIRS INVOLVED HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THAT ENRIQUE?!!
Would you swear/That you’ll always be mine?/Would you lie?/Would you run and hide?
MAYBE EVERYONE IS RUNNING AWAY FROM YOU BECA– USE YOU ASK QUESTIONS THAT ARE USUALLY RESERVED FOR WOMEN WHO ARE CHAINED TO A RADIATOR.
Am I in too deep?/Have I lost my mind?/I don’t care you’re here tonight
Good luck getting in too deep with that pathetic little dick of yours! BOOSH!
He spends the rest of the song begging to be this poor woman’s hero. Look Enrique, as a certified hero myself (I once pushed a small child into a river because he looked severely dehydrated,) I can tell you that being a hero is not about words, IT IS ABOUT ACTION. And if it was about words? Your words are bad. Those are not a hero’s words. A hero’s words are “I have a very particular set of skills” or “GET TO THE CHOPPER” or “Yippie kay yay motherfucker.”
A hero’s words inspire confidence and are spoken with an attitude that says “Hey, I have enough control of the situation that I can say witty things even though my face is bleeding.” Your words are spoken with an attitude that says “If my face was bleeding I would probably faint from the sight of icky blood so would you please carry me in the event that this happens? Don’t worry, I am very small.”
I give this song an F.
Not only is it an insult to actual heroes, but I am now convinced that terrorists hear this song and assume that all of America’s heroes are like this and that’s why they attack us. So, what I’m saying is that if this song didn’t cause 9/11, it certainly did not help.