Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s A SONG I HEARD TODAY: the only online music review column that has confirmed through scientific research that girls have two butts.
This week we’re going to talk about guilty pleasures. We all have them. Something we love so shameful that if anybody were to find out we would have to kill them and their children and burn every fertility center in the country in case they had frozen their sperm or eggs.
One of my most common musical indulgences that I can’t say I’m particularly proud of is the ‘90s slow jam. ‘90s slow jams, for those of you who don’t know, are what people fucked to in the ‘90s when they weren’t fucking to Candlebox. They usually involved several men or several women breathing heavily while singing or sometimes whispering sexy things about sex.
Usually, there is a lot of sweat involved and people seem to take pride in the volume of sweat they can produce in their sex subject. Plenty of boot-knockin’ too. If there’s one thing you can say about the ‘90s, it is that boots were most certainly knocked. Sometimes I like to throw on my ‘90s slow jams playlist at work and think about what it must have been like to be horny back before Obama made it illegal.
So which raunchy song full of references to dongs and places where dongs go was I going to choose? They are all so, so good.
My personal favorite though, is “Freak Me” by Silk. Let’s get elbow deep in this one like the Good Lord intended.
Silk is an R&B group of sex-having men from Atlanta, which is the sexiest black metropolis in the United States. These guys were probably born wearing condoms. I would guess their name is Silk because it is a double meaning having to do with the luscious smoothness of their voices and the preferred sheet fabric of sex gentlemen worldwide. These guys are so smooth they make babies’ bottoms feel like real worthless pieces of shit. They could steal your girlfriend and you’d still offer to take them to a Falcons game just for the chance to collect any excess pussy that ricochets off of their Teflon exterior. They are the Steph Curry jump-shot of getting it on. Nothing but net (and in this metaphor the net is a vagina.)
Upon first listen the song is just a prototype ‘90s slow jam that makes you want to rub your stuff on someone else’s stuff. This is probably the song that got the Virgin Mary pregnant and not some idiot jerk with a complex in the sky. This song makes you feel like you’re in a sauna with a bunch of people breathing on you BUT IN A GOOD WAY! This song is what sex would sound like if you were doing it the right way which you aren’t because your family is probably Catholic or some bullshit. Well I’m here to tell you that it’s okay if you don’t know the correct way to do sex because you are about to learn from the damn sex masters.
The song starts out with a bunch of dudes kind of singing but kind of chanting “Freak me baby” like a bunch of horny Gregorian monks. Monks who want you to freak them. And you’d better do it because monks have mysterious powers. It comes from hanging out with all of those saints’ bones. Let’s see what kind of freaky monk sex knowledge they can drop on us.
Let me lick you up and down/Til you say stop
Oh hell yes! The most important thing anybody needs to know about getting freaky is that there is nothing sexier than consent. If you want orgasms, you better believe you’re going to get orgasms, but as soon as you say NO MORE then your wishes will be respected and it’s time for spooning and maybe some pizza.
Let me play with your body baby/make you real hot/Let me do all the things you want me to do
There it is again. These are RESPONSIBLE AND RESPECTABLE sexual dynamos. They will only do the things that you WANT. You want them to get you all hot and then paint your gutters? Listen baby this is all about you. Silk is HERE TO SERVE whether sexually or otherwise.
CA– USE TONIGHT BABY I WANNA GET FREAKY WITH YOU
Oh but make no mistake, they want to get freaky. And not just with anybody. With you, specifically. Silk will respect your wishes but they aren’t going to hide their intentions. They want to pleasure your sex areas physically and spiritually through practice of the freaky-deaky arts.
Baby don’t you understand/I wanna be your nasty man
“Nasty Man” sounds like a pornographic super-hero. You should let him be your nasty man. Otherwise he’s going to find somebody else who will, and you will never experience the nastiness that could have freed you from your life of vanilla sex with guys who play acoustic guitar.
I wanna make your body scream/And you will know just what I mean
Okay, this sounds less than enjoyable, but why don’t we give him the benefit of the doubt? These guys seem to know what they’re doing.
24 carat gold/To warm the nights when you get cold
Gold is an excellent conductor so these guys not only know sex science but they also know metal science.
I wanna lick you up and down/And then I wanna lay you down
Whoa, you ever had your whole body licked WHILE STANDING UP? I bet you didn’t even know that was possible because you didn’t know what real sex was until today.
I love the taste of whipped cream/Spread it on don’t be mean
HOW DARE YOU TRY TO DENY SILK THEIR DAIRY TREATS DOES YOUR CRUELTY KNOW NO BOUNDS???
You know I can’t resist you girl/I’ll fly you all around the world
Sounds like a pretty good deal. You wanna know what it’s like to get your body licked in the Congo? YOU’RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT!
I wanna see your body drip/Come on let me take a sip
As if things weren’t raunchy enough already, you just got taken to another level. Silk is going to drink you like a giant fuck milkshake because they came here to eat dairy make sex and sing songs AND THEY’RE ALMOST OUT OF SONG.
Take off what you cherish most/Cause when I brag I like to brag and boast
“Take off that Pandora charm bracelet babe because I’m about to tell you how good I’m gonna fuck you in a very redundant way.” This lyric does not make any sense but should we even care? His mouth was probably full of pussy milk when he was trying to sing it so the words probably got all jumbled. Either way the “brag and boast” seems like a particularly effective type of boast because just when you’re expecting to only get a boast BAM he sneaks an extra brag in there to really send you over the goddamned moon.
Alright! We’re done here, and boy am I sweaty and thirsty for a nice chocolate milk.
This song gets an A+ because it taught me everything I know about doing it, except for where the holes are and once I figured that out I went on to win many fabulous prizes for my work.
Although I don’t really like to call it work. It’s more of an art form, and Silk was the first to teach me that licking a woman is a valuable form of artistic expression.