Valhalla. Atlantis. The Garden of Eden. Legoland. What do all of these mysterious places have in common? They are all mythical locations where no modern man, has ever laid eyes upon. Until now.
I think at this point you figured out which place I actually visited. Unfortunately, due to the fact that my wet suit was at the dry cleaners, I couldn’t make it to Atlantis, so I went to Legoland instead.
Legoland Boston. A glorious mini-theme park shrouded in mystery, largely because THEY DON’T LET ADULTS IN (unless they have a kid with them). Why, it’s difficult to say, but one glorious night a month they let adults have free reign, and oh my friends, we reigned.
I will openly admit that I fucking love Legos. And yeah, I know it’s weird, but it’s not like, Brony (adult male fans of My Little Pony) weird. Lego porn is crude at best. Unlike Brony porn. (shudder)
I played with Legos a lot as a kid and took a roughly 15 year break to finish elementary school, high school, college, make a lot of questionable decisions, get a job and start comedy. I knew there were adult weirdos out there who were super into Legos, but I didn’t really understand it until I stumbled into a Lego store a few years ago and remembered how much fun they were. They actually make sets specifically for people who are 16+ now, which on top of being the driving age in the USA, is also the age of legal consent in the UK. These plastic blocks require maturity…and roughly $200.
ANYWAY, Legoland is a heavily guarded fortress in the heart of Assembly Square in Somerville, MA. (I would like to note that the gift shop, is NOT heavily guarded – as long as you want to buy something.) This is just a mini indoor park, but there are a couple of full sized outdoor theme parks with roller coasters and the like in other cities. Boston doesn’t have time for that shit, so we get a miniature version of the real thing.
In order to get in to the park itself, you have to get a ticket code online, give one of the front desk people your secret code, and a designated Lego guide (not made of Legos, a person) whisks you into a grand room Willy Wonka style, (in that it’s a room) and then sends you up a magical elevator (that’s actually just a regular elevator). Then blinking, you step into dark room filled with the twinkling lights of downtown Boston. Tiny, Lego downtown Boston.
Along with the delightful of models of Fenway Park, the Capital building and somewhere in colonial Salem that wasn’t busy murdering witches, they also have a model of Logan Airport, because nothing screams fun more than being felt up by a TSA agent, having your flight delayed and spending $80 for a cup of burnt Starbucks coffee.
I think my favorite part of Lego Boston, was Lego Boston harbor, which was filled with real water and had a whale in it. I would like to note that Lego Boston harbor, is much cleaner than regular Boston harbor, and is miraculously devoid of tourists. As such, I prefer Lego Boston harbor to the original.
After you are done wishing you lived in Lego Boston/wondering if the Lego MBTA is reliable, you walk into a giant room filled with bright colors, high ceilings, multiple Lego sculptures and a bunch of life (
midget, little person) sized Lego people. There’s a food court, a movie theatre, a couple of rides, a slide, a few games, and about a million pits filled with Legos, so you could just build stuff all over the place. There was also a bar. A BAR.
Now, normally, I would have headed straight to the bar, but I’m a responsible adult, and knew that the booze would probably be shitty & over priced, so I got drunk beforehand. They didn’t really seem to encourage a lot of drinking. I have come to realize that this is because everyone else at the event is roughly as mature as I am and it is impossible to clean vomit out of a pile of Legos. It’s science.
So, with my manfriend Ted and my friend who is a man, Matt, in tow, we decided to explore. First we went to a Lego 4D movie. I think 4D means they spent a lot of money on animation/spraying water at us not a lot of money on voice acting, because no one in the Lego movie spoke English…or any language, actually. The Lego movie was about 15 minutes long and was mostly mimed, with some occasional Second Life/Sims-esquese grunts thrown in for good measure. I don’t quite understand why this is, aside from the fact that Lego is a multinational corporation with arms in several non-English speaking countries and also they probably just didn’t feel like it. In the end, the Lego knight saved the Lego kingdom, so it was all good.
We then moved on to a Lego master builder competition, in which we were supposed to build a Lego creation based on a theme, while a Lego employee yelled trivia at us with a bullhorn. Ted won a million points in trivia and me and Matt failed to understand the meaning of team work. Then we got out of there as quickly as possible.
We WANTED to go into a small scale Dicover Zone-esque play structure, but NOOOO, adults weren’t allowed in what is possibly THE BEST PARK OF THE WHOLE DAMN PARK. And sure, I understand why. Adults are going to use a jungle gym, just as any normal adult would, for smoking weed and having sex. So yeah, I get it, but it doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. Instead, we went on this wizard amusement park type ride that spun you around in the air in a circle, because being spun around in the air in a circle is enjoyable for some reason. This is also science.
After that, we waltzed over to the specific part of the park that is designated for ladies, and ladies only. You can tell because most of the Legos were pink. Little ladies are apparently, incapable of playing with toys that aren’t pink or at least purple, although somehow I managed with toys and Legos of all colors. I realize now that this traumatized me as a child and is responsible for the large part of the personal problems I have experienced as an adult. It’s like they say, ‘If a girl don’t play with pink, she’ll be at the shrink.’ People say that right? Right.
For some reason in the girl part of the park, there was also karaoke, which no one was into, because lets be realistic, people who are Lego hobbists aren’t exactly the type to visit karaoke bar with, you know, people. Our time was growing short, (adult night is only 2 hours) so we ended up missing a couple of the rides and activities BUT we did get to participate in a raffle, in which we won FUCKING NOTHING. But a couple people won some free legos. How I envy them.
The Lego employees then corralled everyone in the park and had us exit though the conveniently located gift shop, which was filled with BULLSHIT BRANDED LEGOS FOR SELL OUTS. I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on them, branding Legos with movies/TV shows/whatever technically saved the company a few years back, so dummies like me can spend 3 months building an extremely elaborate lego Parisian restaurant that is NOT branded with anything.
I can’t really fault Lego for little kids being fucking idiots and falling prey to the capitalist agenda, although I’m sure the Lego people really felt it when they had to melt all those Jonny Depp, Lone Ranger Legos back into a vat of brick plastic. C’est la vie.
Overall, my Legoland experience was pretty awesome, but it’s definitely a place more directed at kids than anything else. (Not like that’s ever stopped my before.) I’d definitely check it out at least once and it’s a lot of fun when you bring a couple of friends. Plus, it’s a great excuse to get drunk on a Wednesday.
And look, being into Legos isn’t that weird, right? Yeah. I’ll keep telling myself that.
Interested in checking out Adult Night at Legoland Boston? The next Adult Night is April 15th! Theme: SPRING BREAK!!!!!
Interested in checking out Legoland Boston with some little people? Go here!