Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s A SONG I HEARD TODAY: the only online music review column that has vermin-like capabilities to survive a nuclear holocaust.
Here we are again. Another week, another column. Slaving over a hot computer to entertain the unwashed masses who aren’t even unwashed because they are poor but because they’re so used to having their parents do everything for them that they don’t know which store is the one they’re supposed to buy soap at.
I’ve been working every week on trying to branch out and listen to different garbage just so I can keep things fresh around here, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. No Pulitzer Prize, no ten million dollars, not even a beautiful European model whose only job is to open my beers for me.
Well, this week I’m not playing that game. I’m listening to MY music, and I’m taking you assholes into MY world, and it is not pretty.
It’s the kind of world that you see in those movies where mostly everyone is dead and there are just a bunch of mean dogs wandering around and fighting over bones that could very well be human but you don’t even want to ask.
So how does this affect the music that I’m listening to? This week I’ve been leaning on one of my old standby playlists, which is entitled “Songs About Killing Children.” We’ve already covered the uncomfortable amount of songs that are about trying to seduce children, but there are also many songs about straight up murdering them, which I feel is pretty neat. Which one do I choose though? It’s like having to choose between which one of your own kids to kill when ALL of them are being loud. I decided to go with the song that inspired the list in the first place, so this week we will be covering Dead Kennedys- “I Kill Children.”
The Dead Kennedys is one of my favorite bands because I’m a white person who is mad.
Their name lets you know they know things about politics and also about who is alive. Some of the Kennedys were not alive when they named the band and they thought that kicked ass so they wanted to remind everyone how much ass that kicked by calling themselves Dead Kennedys and then also kicking ass. With music.
Upon first listen, you find that this song is about killing children, and the various ways to do so. It’s pretty straightforward. You might think a song called “I Kill Children” would be about something else, but it really isn’t. Just good old fashioned kid killing, and plenty of it. That’s that shit I like.
God told me to skin you alive
See, maybe if you’re one of those people who is on the fence about whether killing children is okay, Jello Biafra puts your worries at ease immediately by letting you know that this wasn’t even really his idea. It was God’s. God wanted those kids dead because God is an asshole. Read the Bible sometime if you think he isn’t. The dude drowned almost everybody in the world just so he could watch some animals fuck on a boat. I’m pretty sure “I Kill Children” was the original name for the Bible before the church had to change it for PR purposes.
I kill children/I love to see them die
That’s a pretty good reason for killing them to be quite honest. If you love seeing kids die there’s no more efficient way than doing it yourself. Get out there and make things happen, because the world isn’t just going to hand you a stack of dying kids. Maybe in Communist Russia, but this is America and when you want to see a kid die you do your own damn work.
I kill children/And make their mothers cry
Haha stupid mothers. “Wah my kid was murdered by a guy named Jello Wah.” Welcome to the real world lady.
Crush ‘em under my car/I wanna hear them scream/Feed ‘em poisoned candy/Spoil their Halloween
Pretty good brainstorming session here. You have to go into this sort of thing with a plan, because if you half-ass it the results are gonna show and you’re just going to end up with a bunch of kids who are almost dead and then what the hell is even the point?
So you’re in the kids’ ward/You’re in there cause you’re ill/How about some Pavulon so I can see you chill
I don’t know what Pavulon is but I’m guessing that it’s some kind of extra strength kid poison. The kids’ hospital ward is probably a good place to go if you love to see children die, but the waiting is SO ANNOYING! Well, Jello cuts that out of the equation. He wants his kids dead and he wants them dead NOW. JELLO IS A MAN OF ACTION!
Time to hit the school bus/I think I’ll shoot the tires/Offer them a helping hand/Of open telephone wires
“Oh no your bus crashed! Here kid let me give you a hand HAHA JUST KIDDING ZAPPPP!” They thought maybe their lives were being saved by a kind passerby and now they’re electrocuted. Serves them right fucking dumb idiot kids. This is why you don’t talk to strangers EVEN IF YOU’RE ON FIRE.
Ever wanna die/Of course you have/But I won’t til I get my revenge
You hear that children? Jello is pretty much immortal until he takes out every last one of you. He is basically the Terminator except he gets results (side note: did you ever notice that the Terminators from the movies did a pretty bad job of terminating? You’re a futuristic time-travelling robot and you can’t even kill the people you’re supposed to? Robert Durst is better at your job than you are.)
Make me see them for the shit they are/Take as many as I can away with me/Anyone can be king for a day
Kids are shit, this is very true, and until you’re willing to open your eyes and come to terms with that, then murder as many as you possibly can, you will NEVER be a strong and well-respected king. Not for a day. Not ever.
For the rest of the song he just reiterates that he does, in fact, kill children. And do you wanna know something? I believe him. He gets pretty specific about it. He has information that only a true child killer could have, like about how they ride buses and like Halloween. This man is a diabolical genius.
This song gets an A+ from me because of its valuable social message delivered in a way that is accessible and well-reasoned.
Now if you will excuse me, God is telling me what things I should be skinning. Right now it’s just oranges but tomorrow? WHO KNOWS?!