It’s About Ethics in Necronomicon Transcribing
Sony is planning some grand launch of a Ghostbusters Cinematic Universe. It started when we were getting a new, all-woman Ghostbusters from Paul Feig (Bridesmaids, The Heat. Also he was the best friend of the camp counselor in Heavyweights, and the science teacher in the first season of Sabrina The Teenage Witch. Now he’s the George Cukor of fart jokes. Life is strange that way.)
The supposed y-chromosome-free cast would be Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon, and Leslie Jones. This ended up causing consternation amongst fans, because the real life-exact science of ghostbusting is very serious thing, and we’re not sure you can believably portray the act of emitting lightning from repurposed firefighting equipment to vanquish a giant marshmallow creature if it’s done by a chick. Even though science predicted that in the future all ghostbusting would be done by women, it just seemed too unbelievable.
So Sony sought to remedy this with a more “traditional” Ghostbusters, with maybe Channing Tatum, because Channing Tatum is totally the modern day Dan Aykroyd. In fact, Sony is hoping for a whole smattering of interconnected Ghostbuster movies, where they can eventually crossover and…fight more ghosts. Perhaps they should at least diversify, and have busting done of various modern day apophryca. For instance, “Sasquatchbusters” or “Elvisbusters” or “Alienbusters”–wait, that’s Men In Black. How about “Socialnetworkingbusters” where they use their photon packs to scribble privacy-preserving notices on everything.
Pratt’s Body is Now a Temple (Of Doom) (And No Beer)
Chris Pratt is another proposed Ghostbuster, while Disney is hoping to reboot Indiana Jones, but not as a woman, because come on, “Indiana” is totally a boy’s name. The top name being bandied about is Christ Pratt, who was having a lovely year of being Chris Pratt, until it became the year of Bradley Cooper because Bradley Cooper is the alpha-est of all males. It makes sense, because Pratt has already followed Harrison Ford’s career to a T–the swashbuckling outer space rogue, the weary archaeologist, the guy who’s in moody prestige pictures for five minutes.
Listen, Chris Pratt served a very important purpose with an easy, familiar, everyman persona that helped sell a rather off-kilter premise like Guardians of the Galaxy. Like a nice, warm piece of bread to ease your palette. I’m not saying Chris Pratt is like white bread. He’s a very fine bread. Akin to a nice batch of fresh dinner rolls. But stuff like Ghostbusters and Indiana Jones are already staples of popular culture, and so are, in a way, already like bread. We’re being sold a bread sandwich.
The Halls of Galhalla
In less encouraging news for white guys, last year, Marvel did a major shakeup of its major titles, replacing the old, bepenised Thor with new, marginally different-looking if we’re being honest, lady Thor.
This infuriated the Breibart bloggers of the world, who don’t mind the honest-to-God weird changes that comic book characters have gone through over the years which include the following; Cyborg Superman, French Ninja Batman, Time-Travelling Teenage Iron Man, V-Necked Captain America, Noseless Wolverine, Boring Green Lantern, Even More Boring Green Lantern, Clone of Spider-Man Who Dresses Like Zack Morris from Saved By the Bell, and of course, Horse Thor.
A female Thor is unprecedented in the only drug the staff at Marvel must have been on this time was probably Tumblr. Anyways, it’s no surprise this been successful because Thor is the martini of comic books–people only really like it when it’s shaken up.
The X-Men Apocalypse is Like The Zombie Apocalypse, But Sexier
Its says a lot about Jennifer Lawrence’s stature, and the geek-flavored news cycle that “Jennifer Lawrence won’t be in any theoretical future X-Men movies (Granted, Fox will always make X-Men movies, even if they have to do that Wes Anderson parody that’s been making the rounds)” has made headlines, but making headlines it has. Apparently, being the only person under 25 your grandparents can name (They can’t even name you) means she wants to do things like maybe win more Oscars instead of standing around naked in blue paint. Well, luckily Fox has signed a whole bunch of newbies on the cheap that can break out and then immediately regret their nine-picture contracts.
Game of Thrones’s Sophie Turner, who along with Ty Sheridan and Alexandra Shipp will portray younger versions of established X-Men characters–Turner will play Jean Grey, Sheridan will play Cyclops, and Shipp will play Storm, all important X-Men characters that fans in practice find kind of boring. No word on the next Terminator remake that Sophie Turner will probably be in, because all women from Game of Thrones play Sarah Connor at some point in their career, so she’ll eventually play Sarah Connor when Arnold is old and held together by so many metal bits and pieces he’s not even playing a character anymore.
Newbie Lana Condor has also been cast as Jubilee, who exudes so much 90’s that if this news excites you, I have some Ace of Base and Candlebox CDs you can buy. No, wait, tapes.
Freedom Fries Aren’t in Fact, Free
Should Michael Moore and Seth Rogan find themselves in Grand Rapids, Michigan and hungry, finding a place to eat just got 0.02% more difficult. In response to their comments about American Sniper, Brann’s Sizzling Steaks AND Sports Grille (Grille-ing steaks AND sports? Like, you get a nice well-done T-Bone followed by an intense interrogation on where you were on the night the Patriots’ balls were deflated?) has put up on their sign of illumination, “Michael Moore and Seth Rogan (sic) are NOT welcome here”.
Moore made some comments referencing his family’s perception of snipers as “cowards”, which to be fair, was sentiment made in the Grand Theft Auto series, and nobody from Rock Star games is banned from enjoying the savory pleasures of Brann’s signature Onion Straw Loaf. Seth Rogan for his part got in hot water when he tweeted that American Sniper reminded him of the movie-within-a-movie from Inglourious Bastards. What a curious figure Brann must be–smart enough to get why a comparison made in a Tarantino movie is an insult, but dumb enough to not make sure he spelled Seth Rogen’s name right.
Don Draper Never Had to Deal With This Crap
One might not consider commercials “entertainment”, strictly speaking, but considering everything I talked about in this article so far is basically a commercial for something else, why not? Anyways, commercials have been taking a beating from special interest groups. Online fiscal sinkhole GoDaddy drew some heat from PETA for their ad in which a puppy makes it all the way back home, only for its people to turn out to be dog breeders that put it up for sale.
PETA’s issue of course, is not the pathos, but that dog breeders are history’s greatest monsters and shouldn’t get the honor of collaborating with the Spike TV of Webhosts. To be honest, when I heard about the controversy, I have expected a scantily clad woman to be on a literal dog leash.
Also, One Million Moms, scourge of big box department stores, protested this Pop Tarts commercial. I mean, I guess it’s pretty dark, with the nurse, breaking from her hippocratic cartoon oath, and empathy in general, to eat a baby in front of its parents and…oh, no their problem is with the “Jammit” pun sounding too much like “Damn It”. Yeah, gonna ruin those kids forever.