Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s A SONG I HEARD TODAY: the only internet music review column that contains more than 14g trans fat.
It was an interesting week, as I spent four days of it getting drunk in a different city and I know this is of no interest to you but this is my column so I get to talk about anything I want, especially since I learned how to post my own garbage on this site now and there’s nobody that can stop me. I am unstoppable, like that train that Denzel probably never stopped because otherwise the name of the movie would be a lie and everything would be bullshit.
I also spent a lot of time watching sports this week as well. Tonight I’m watching hockey and goddamn the music they play at hockey games is ridiculous. If any NHL team has changed their stadium music in the past 20 years it’s because they haven’t been in the league that long. Know what that means? CLASSIC ROCK!!!
The main thing you need to know about classic rock is that it reminds dads of the times when they used to be real horny. Why would you want to be horny at a hockey game? Because if you’re already horny for the hockey (which you’d better be) then the horniness brought on by the rockin’ tunes will cancel out the hockey horniness due to the transitive property of getting your D hard as a rock (which is also a song by the band AC/DC, because all of their songs are about rocking and rocking hard and pretending your dick is stuff that you find in a garage.)
So which classic rock song stood out from all the other ones they played at the hockey game? It was tough to choose until there was a fight and they played the MOST CLASSIC FUCKING CLASSIC ROCK SONG OF ALL TIME. When you think of classic rock, you think of a song that changed the face of music, will remain in rotation until the end of time, and was probably playing when your mom AND sister got pregnant. What all-time classic am I breaking out today?
Well it doesn’t get any more classic than SUM 41- Fat Lip.
First, the band. What more is there to say about SUM 41? They’re basically Canada’s answer to Lit. And the one guy from the band got married to Avril Lavigne which created the greatest rock and roll power couple since, I don’t know, Sonny and Cher or some shit? Anyway, the band sounds like if you put a skateboard in a washing machine and then blamed it on your mom.
Upon first listen the song seems kind of rad, like if you got grounded and were mad about being grounded and somebody finally felt all of that pain and turned it into beautiful music. It’s like somebody finally understands what it’s like when your dad won’t let you take his BMW to the Warped Tour because you called your little sister a fag. “I mean come on dad she signed me out of AIM when I was only at the skate park for like 45 minutes!” It’s like looking in a sonic mirror of anguish.
STORMING THROUGH THE PARTY LIKE MY NAME WAS EL NINO/While I’m hanging out chilling in the back of an El Camino
What a fucking entrance, am I right? They obviously picked the perfect sea surface temperature fluctuation to show how fucking HARD they just burst into that party. Well at least one of them, because they other one is kicking it in an El Camino, which is ALSO SPANISH and also probably the coolest car ever designed because it’s a car but also maybe a truck? However, since we have already established that this band is Canadian, it’s hard for me to believe that any of them has experienced El Nino or seen an El Camino so at this point their songwriting strategy seems to be “what are some Spanish things that rhyme that we’ve seen on TV?” Not a promising start.
Then we get some details about how badass they were in high school because they didn’t have friends and they broke stuff and do you think they went to class when they were supposed to go to class? FUCK NO THEY DIDN’T GO TO CLASS! You know why? Because somebody TOLD them to do it. Then we get these gems:
Attention that we crave/don’t tell us to behave/I’m sick of always hearing act your age
Now hold on. You’re saying… that you act out… for attention??? I would never ask someone like that to behave or act their age. I would take away their binky and change their diaper and put them to bed because those are the actions of a FUCKING BABY. This is not the mindset of someone who is a rebel. This is the mindset of someone who is fussy and teething and can’t reach their favorite teething ring with their stubby little arms because they’re a FUCKING BABY. I bet after writing this lyric these guys felt so cool that they decided to take a beer out of their dad’s garage fridge but only one because otherwise he’d notice.
Next is the chorus, which you all should know, because these guys don’t want to be a VICTIM OF YOUR CONFORMITY! You hear that? They’ll never order a Starbucks even though they’re probably going to end up working there. But joke’s on you because they won’t do a very good job! You wanted extra milk in your coffee? WELL ENJOY YOUR REGULAR NORMAL AMOUNT OF MILK YOU FUCKING SHEEP!
CA– USE. YOU. DON’T. Knowusatall we laugh when old people fall
Oh wow, that’s cool as hell, you guys are fucking rebels. Forget what I said before about you all being terrible babies because now I know your sense of humor is refined and quite worldly. You know what I laugh at? Your parents, because they spend hundreds of thousands of dollars feeding and sheltering you instead of leaving you in the woods to die of exposure. What a couple of fucking marks.
Maiden and Priest were the gods that we praised
“We heard ‘You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’ and ‘2 Minutes to Midnight’ in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.”
I like songs with distortion/to drink in proportion/the doctor said my mom should have had an abortion
Your mom’s doctor was a fucking saint and should become the Surgeon General of Canada or whatever the fuck they have up there. If he can spot an awful shitty child in the womb within the first trimester he should be the goddamned Abortion Czar of all North America. Unfortunately, your idiot mom didn’t listen to him and now every time this song comes on the radio she has to pretend her son died of a heroin overdose until you actually do.
The rest of the song is just the same whining about how these guys are always told to conform to society’s expectations of not being vile dickheads or adults who don’t make teenagers think it’s okay to throw fits because they can’t go to their friend’s house with the cool parents who let them drink beer as long as they’re home to supervise. Overall, I would say this song gets a C, which would have been bumped up to a B- if they had just named it “I Got Beat Up by a Hockey Player and My Dad Called Me a Pussy,” like they should have.