Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s A SONG I HEARD TODAY: the only internet music review column that had to actively avoid listening to music about child molestation for at least a week.
Annnnnnnnnd we’re back like we’re Marty McFly and this is the future and it’s where we are returning to from the past after almost witnessing a rape and banging our own moms! These past two weeks have been a little disconcerting, and I questioned whether or not I should keep doing this column if every song I ever listened to was about creepy adults seducing teenagers. Well this week I did my damnedest to avoid falling into the same trap.
I thought a good place to start was ABBA radio on Spotify because a group of sexless disco Swedes who for some reason sing about being incredibly Spanish couldn’t possibly have a song about statutory rape OH WAIT HERE IT IS! JEEEEEESUS CHRIST can everybody stop talking about fucking teens for two seconds??? Where the fuck did those dragon guys go? I could listen to literally a hundred songs about wizards right now as long as they’re not trying to fuck anybody.
Needless to say, I was at the end of my goddamned rope… until fate intervened. I had tuned out most of the other songs that were playing, dejected and in poor spirits. Then, finally, FINALLY I heard a song that snapped me out of my funk like an extremely brittle toothpick getting caught in an industrial strength funk-snapping machine. That motherfucking song was Carl Douglas- Kung fu fighting.
Who is Carl Douglas? Carl Douglas is a goddamned American hero (turns out he’s actually Jamaican but he probably has dual citizenship for being cool as hell.)
What is the song about? It’s about fucking kung fu fighting like a motherfucker. Can’t you read, asshole? Upon first listen you can discern that the song is about everybody kung fu fighting. Not just a couple people. Everybody. Then you hear about how fast they were doing it and how scared all those other motherfuckers were and you get hard. Hard for blood.
So we’ve already established that it wasn’t just a couple of people going rogue and kung fu fighting. This was everybody. But Carl hasn’t even told you how fast their kicks were yet. Tell ’em Carl.
“Those kicks were fast as lightning.”
FAST. AS. LIGHTNING. VERIZON FIOS ISN’T EVEN AS FAST AS THESE KICKS. They are literally kicking at the speed of light and when Carl says it was “a little bit frightening” you can tell how much of a man he is because if you ever saw anybody kicking that fast it would be A LOT FRIGHTENING. Not to Carl though, because Carl has a dick that you could hang laundry off of and balls that could raise the goddamned sea level.
“There were funky Chinamen, from funky Chinatown”
Okay Carl no need to get racist here, but in your state of mild fear and turgid excitement I’ll excuse you this time. Funky Chinatown is, by all accounts, the funkiest part of Chinatown. That’s where Funky China… uh… persons come from and it is a well known fact that the funkier a Chinese, the faster he or she can kick and the more frightening their kung fu. This isn’t just a couple of middle-aged dudes who don’t get boners anymore taking out aggression on each other in a strip mall dojo. This is some real shit and Carl is letting us know exactly how real albeit in a way that doesn’t really follow today’s more politically correct standards.
“They were chopping them up/they were chopping them down”
Uhh well yeah Carl after you chop them up there’s only one other place to chop them. Don’t act like you’ve never seen a funky Chinaman before Carl we all know their M.O. First comes the up chopping and then the down chopping is to follow. You’re losing us Carl. You better start talking about how ancient and Chinese their art is or else we are going to lose respect for funky Chinamen everywhere and it’s going to be all your fault.
“It’s an ancient Chinese art”
OH HELLLLL YES. HELLLLLL YES! Now we’re getting back into the good shit. Anything that’s ancient and Chinese is automatically better than any other things because the Ancient Chinese were in direct contact with the Saucer People and they taught them all of their intergalactic secrets. That’s how they invented guns and dragons and Thai food.
Next, Carl throws some pretty technical Kung Fu jargon at us, and I don’t know what a “fainting” or a “slip” are but they sound fairly fucking righteous and I’m sure whoever was on the receiving end of those moves is wishing they had never heard of them either because guess what they’re dead now. You can’t even defend those things, whatever they are. You can try, sure, but you’re going to get chopped up and down and look like a damned fool once everyone sees that you don’t have any of that Chinese funk in you.
We get back to the chorus and now we’re all jacked up about Kung Fu fighting again and how fast and frightening it still is even after they’ve already used some of their most ancient moves. The only thing that could make it any better would be if those bad boys Funky Billy Chin and Little Sammy Chong showed up, but even thinking about that seems to be getting a little greedy. We’ve already got all of this Kung Fu, and we should be grateful just for that. No need to fly too close to the sun…
“There was Funky Billy Chin and Little Sammy Chong”
OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST SAY IT!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! The boys are back in town! FUNKY CHINATOWN! And now the Big Boss is coming and if you don’t think it is on then you are going to want to find a dictionary and look up the word “on” and then throw that big ass dictionary down really hard on your big toe because IT IS SO ON! This is more on than your sister was on birth control in college. This is more on than the nightlight you keep in your room because you’re scared of that clown coming back. This is more on than that clown’s hard while he watches you sleep as the nightlight DOES NOTHING. In summary it is really fucking on.
Carl drops a little more insider Kung Fu knowledge on us and let’s us know that we’re “into a brand new trip” because he just tied us off and shot our veins full of uncut Chinese funk. The rest of the song is just a blur of wicked fast kicks and Carl trying to show us that he’s not very scared but how could you not be scared when Billy Chin and Sammy Chong are tangling with the Big Boss right in front of your goddamned eyes? Don’t be a hero Carl get yourself out of there!
Anyway, I give this song a D+ because when I was listening to it I started kicking a lot of stuff and now my foot hurts so thanks a lot Carl Douglas you funky Chinese dickhead.