Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s A SONG I HEARD TODAY: the only internet music review column that isn’t about the music so much as it is about the deeply traumatic memories that the music forces to the surface.
Today I spent a majority of the day listening to an 80s station on Spotify because the songs of the 1980s are great music for reminding you that your parents were real bad at sex. Unless we’re talking about Prince, which we covered last week, songs from the 80s were not for fucking. They were for things like training to avenge your best friend’s death while simultaneously ending the Cold War or stalking a super model through the streets of Marrakech, or murdering an annoying co-worker or simply explaining the concept of spiritual alignment and casualty vis a vis a person’s good and bad deeds to a lizard.
So that must mean we’re going somewhere fun today, or at least somewhere goofy and kind of camp, right? Well that’s what I thought when I selected Benny Mardones – Into the Night as the Song I Heard Today. I may have been mistaken.
As has become customary, we will start off with the artist.
Benny Mardones is a guy who I have no fucking idea who he is except his name sounds like he is possibly some variety of South American Jew? I don’t know. He sounds a little like if Michael Bolton was just some dad at a bar instead of a clown with no makeup trying to fuck your aunt. Since I had no idea what the hell else to write about him I went to his Wikipedia page and found out that he is, in fact, South American (Chilean!) but no word on the Jew part. Wikipedia also makes it a point of saying that he is still very famous in Syracuse, New York which puts him on the same level as Scoop Jardine in terms of national relevance (if you don’t know anything about sports this is a sports reference to emphasize how unimpressive this accomplishment is.) This is also a damning indictment of Central New York, as if it needed another one.
The song, upon first listen, if you REALLY don’t listen to that first line, is about a guy… who wishes he could fly? Because maybe… he’s in love with a bird and the bird is getting away? Sure! He just wants to fuck a bird. THAT’S what’s going on here. Nothing uncouth. Just a simple man, yearning for some of that fine cloaca. I’m okay with that Benny! Really, I am! I mean, I’m not, but that’s because I have done my due diligence of looking more closely at the lyrics. And here we go, right off the bat…
“She’s just 16 years old/ leave her alone/ they said…”
I don’t want to be one of those guys but… that’s problematic! Do it! DO WHAT THEY SAID! I’m not a lawyer Benny, but this is VERY GOOD ADVICE. Assuming you’re the one who is not leaving the sixteen year old alone. Maybe this song is about an eighteen year old who won’t leave a sixteen year old alone? Still not great, but better than your over-the-hill-mom-who-brags-about-fucking-Steven-Tyler-in-1971-lookin’ ass. Seriously why is every song by a white person about a dude or a lady who looks like a mom wanting to fuck a child? White people are gross.
He then calls everyone who gets in the way of their romance “fools who don’t know what love is yet” which is a much different and much less effective way of saying “fuck the police.” Yes Benny, these grown ass people have no idea what love is, because they’ve never been sixteen and confused or 41 and horny so how could they? This is blatant grooming going on here. Predatory behavior at its most despicable. You are not allowed to tell her she is the most special and powerful love in all of the world to trick her into sleeping with you until two years from now when her brain is 100% matured and she is completely immune to such trickery.
“If I could fly/I’d pick you up/and take you into the night”
Okay hold on, let me interject here Benny. I don’t CONDONE OR ENDORSE any of this, so I don’t want you to think I am giving you ideas to help you commit a crime… HOWEVER… she’s a child. You could probably STILL pick her up even though you can’t fly. Like, you shouldn’t, but it probably wouldn’t be as hard as you’re making it out to be. I mean, I could probably pick up a sixteen year old girl and take her into the night without too much trouble, and I’m not that strong. So I’d say you definitely could do it. But DON’T.
“It’s like having a dream/where nobody has a heart”
No it isn’t.
“It’s like having it all/and watching it fall apart”
No, it’s not like that either.
“I would wait ’til the end of time for you”
Dude TWO YEARS!!!! Nobody is asking you to wait until the world is ash and the seas boil with blood! TWO FUCKING YEARS! Give her two years to discover awkward teenage sex on her own damn time and if she still wants your gross old balls in TWO FUCKING YEARS then have at it you sleazy Chilean creep. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU IN THAT MINE INSTEAD BENNY AND YOU KNOW IT!!! AHHH YOU GOT ME SO WORKED UP I MISSED OUT ON A CHILEAN MINER/MINOR JOKE THAT WAS HANGING RIGHT THERE!!! BENNY YOU ASS!!!!
“And do it again, it’s true”
BENNY: Time is a flat circle now please get in my van. (True Detective)
He then goes on to say that you can’t even measure his love because there’s nothing of comparable size and I’m not a dick scientist but I would have to say he is talking about his dick here. She has nothing to compare it to because she’s never seen a dick before and her first glimpse of one is going to be Benny’s knobby old pinecone dick that makes him look like a lesbian gym teacher playing a practical joke.
The rest of the song is him repeating all the “if I could fly” stuff and it’s like okay Benny we get it, you’re weak as hell and you can’t even carry a 16 year old girl to your van. I mean, are you trying to fuck Precious? Because she’s already had a really rough life and I know you’re a fucked up person but come on dude leave the poor girl alone.
Okay fine, I’m sorry. I did not mean to imply that only teens who are conventionally attractive by society’s standards could be objects of a creepy older man’s lust. Not that ANY teens should be. Motherfucker. I’m never going to dig myself out of this. DON’T FUCK TEENS YOU GUYS!!! Actually, just don’t say creepy shit to women of ANY age. As a matter of fact, never write a song to a woman or about a woman, especially if she is underage or if you are in any way going to compare her to a car or truck.
Anyway, I’m going to give Mr. Benny Mardones a solid A for this effort based almost entirely on the music video which you absolutely need to check out if only for the magic flying carpet sex and the apathy in the dad’s face when he tells what I can only assume he thinks is a 45 year old lesbian to stay away from his 16 year old daughter.
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