Well, the football season is over, and I bet you thought it meant you were rid of me… WELL TOUGH SHIT SHITTERS! I’m not going away that easily. I was going to maybe throw you all a bone with one last DICK PICKS but what else is there to say about that game? It was incredible and Tom Brady is amazing and you should all want to kiss him.
SO… I’m breaking out a new column. Something not seen before anywhere because I just thought of it and decided that you lot will swallow any swill I pour you. With that, I give you the first installment of Rich Karski’s A SONG I HEARD TODAY.
In this space, I will now listen to AT LEAST ONE SONG on the day I write my column, and then tell you all about said song. It will not always be a current song, or even a song I haven’t heard a lot before. Just a song that I heard on this particular day. EXCITED? CONF– USED? ARO– USED? YOU BET I AM!!! Let’s get into this. Today’s song is DragonForce- Through the Fire and Flames.
First let’s talk about the band. DragonForce is a band that sounds kind of like if Iron Maiden ate an arcade. The name is supposed to cause fear, I would assume, as it references dragons and how much force they have, which is a considerable amount if certain novels and tattoos and Chinese are to be believed. They are probably from a place like Denmark or Michigan, where going outside sucks so they never did it and instead of learning and singing about real world things they decided to sing about things from books that get children punched. Overall, just from looking at the name of the band you can tell what the music is going to sound like which is metal for nerds who probably look like they need a bath.
The song itself, upon a quick listen, is about persevering and carrying on even though everything is on fire. And in flames! Which seems kind of redundant. Because it is! But I guess “through the fire and the smoke” probably doesn’t sound as cool even though smoke is way more dangerous and kills more people than actual fire so maybe talk to a fucking fireman once in a while DragonForce you idiots. Obviously during school fire safety day they were probably stuffed in a locker or reading about sorcery and just assumed that smoke was lame. Well it isn’t. Ask a fucking dragon if you love them so much DragonForce.
When you look more closely at the lyrics, the song is about an epic battle that takes place “in the time before the light” which I’m assuming is the time before the lyricist got a lackluster over-the-pants handjob from the beefy girl at summer camp. The singer talks about watching the battle, and then “flying ever free” into the wilderness probably because they can’t actually be a part of the battle on account of their asthma.
After this there is a lot of talk about destiny and mourning for everyone that died in a battle while these guys were just flying around watching everything and getting scared. They also talk about a burning in their heart which is Renaissance fair speak for heartburn, which they got probably because their mom bought Spicy Nacho Doritos instead of regular Nacho Cheese Doritos. They are then banished from the awful wasteland they helped create through their cowardice to a “land beyond the stars” which sounds really awful but they’re probably scared shitless because they’re not supposed to travel beyond the stars without an adult. Luckily all of the adults are dead! Good news because now they can eat all the candy they want without getting yelled at by the dentist but bad news because now who the hell are they supposed to prank call?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT THEY JUST SAID “Our destiny is time” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? If I run into a worse lyric while writing this column I will be shocked and appalled. Let’s try and figure out what this could mean, shall we?
Option one: they are destined for prison? It’s known as “doing time” in criminal circles, and desertion and cowardice during battle are generally punished by prison or execution. So maybe they’re scared of going to prison because they seem to be scared of everything.
Option two: Their destiny is to cover the song “Time” by Hootie and the Blowfish. This is somehow the most acceptable option.
Option three: They got too high off of computer duster and thought this was a very good idea.
I’m going with option three.
Next there is a lot of WHOOAAA-OOHHH-OH-OOOOOOOHs because nothing tells you how serious a song about war is like filler noises. If Homer had thrown some WHOOAAA-OOHH-OH-OOOOOOOHs in the Iliad they never would have named a Simpson after him. Also this song is long as hell so they probably could have done without all of this but they want you to know how long and fast they can play a guitar without falling down unlike the time when their dad tried to make them run after a baseball but they didn’t know the ground was uneven so they tripped and cried and a girl saw them and told everybody. NEVER AGAIN, JEREMY! I CALL YOU BY YOUR FIRST NAME BECA– USE I’M A ROCKSTAR NOW AND I NO LONGER RESPECT YOU!
Now we come to the end of the song where they all of a sudden start talking about how hard they fought, and how much blood is on their hands! OH MY GOD SO MUCH BLOOD YOU GUYS! I TOTALLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO FAINT BUT THEN I DIDN’T FAINT I JUST THREW UP A LITTLE BIT! I can only assume this is the point in the song where they rehearsed what they would tell any girls that they met in their new star-land about all of the carnage they flew away from because they’re totally dragons and yeah their dad has a Camaro and lets them use it to pick him up from the bar sometimes. This part also involves the lyric “we feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days” which according to Google equals 2.73791 years so they are saying they feel the pain of a dead toddler which is supremely fucked up because we’re not even sure how that kid died but it probably wasn’t from wedgies or carpal tunnel syndrome which I’m assuming is all the pain these gentlemen have experienced.
So, after careful review, this is a song by dorks about flying away from a magical, apocalyptic war and then pretending they fought in the war and maybe they killed a kid? Either way… I liked it! Maybe that means I’m a nerd too, but that’s fine. It sounds kind of like gay outer space and gay outer space is pretty cool in my book. B+