Welcome to the Super Bowl Bye Week edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that was not given a Super Bowl press credential due to various restraining orders involving cyberbullying.
NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT THIS WEEK YOU GUYS! Nope, I’m not going to discuss the balls. Everyone has given their take on the balls and I can add nothing to the ball conversation. From what I gather some people like balls to feel a particular way and THAT’S OKAY! Play with the balls that you like, is what I say.
So what the heck are we going to talk about this week if not the balls? I’ve been racking my brain trying to think of a topic for this week’s column, and it’s been tough. I was thinking about running through some prop bets for the game, but I’ll probably do that next week when the lines are a little less fluid and more props are available. That was idea number one completely gone to shit.
I thought about maybe recapping the slightly ridiculous games this past weekend but I think we’ve heard enough about Mike McCarthy’s incompetence (WHICH I PREDICTED BECA– USE I’M A GENIUS) and the Patriots’ destruction of Indy (WHICH I ALSO PREDICTED BECA– USE DOUBLE GENIUS!) So there was idea number two also gone to shit.
Instead, I decided that I was going to use this week to change the dynamic of the column. I’m usually the one who has to make baseless predictions based on nothing but opinion, and then I have to sit and eat shit while my predictions are proven wrong. Well today, I’m going to tell YOU a bunch of shit that YOU’RE wrong about and why that makes YOU the idiot. So buckle up fuck-buckles, because you’re about to get fucked right in the buckle.
RACCOONS -10 vs. Your Trash
Oh you think some plastic covers and bungee cords are going to keep these devious little bandits out of your trash? THEY HAVE HANDS BUDDY! Why are people so concerned with keeping raccoons out of their trash anyway? Oh they’re filthy little balls of disease that make a mess and cause you a couple extra headaches a week? So are your kids and you let them LIVE INSIDE. If you think those cords are enough then you better pray to god that you do a better job protecting your daughter’s virginity because those little buddies are getting in that trash. I’ve seen a raccoon turn a doorknob, walk inside a house, and help a single mother of four raise her children to adulthood. Putting some bells on your damn cans isn’t keeping them away.
Why would you want to keep the raccoons out of your trash anyway? You threw that shit away and now it’s theirs to do with as they please. This is the basis of all raccoon law, and I defy you to find a judge that would rule in your favor. “Get this shit out of here.” The judge would say. “You obviously have limited understanding of raccoon law. I studied raccoon law at Vanderbilt and you’re making a mockery of my courtroom.” Did I mention that the judge is also a raccoon? You’re totally fucked pal.
COLD SORES -5 vs. Dinosaurs
Yeah I get it, cold sores are annoying, stigmatizing, and all around shitty. Not much good you can say about cold sores, right? Well you know what else isn’t so great? Dinosaurs. They are actually even WORSE than cold sores, if you can believe it. Let me explain:
Cold sores are caused by the herpes simplex virus, and are small blisters that form on mucous membranes when the virus stops being dormant and presents symptoms. They can be treated with creams and usually last a week to ten days. Dinosaurs are caused by lizards getting way too fucking big and they are really fucking big lizards. They lasted like a hundred million years and can only be treated by comets from outer space hitting the earth.
If you get a cold sore then maybe nobody wants to kiss you for a couple of days because you’re gross but you were gross before and nobody wanted to kiss you and you just didn’t have anything to blame it on because you’re in denial about how unlovable you are. If you run into a dinosaur then that’s even worse because nobody will kiss you because you won’t have a face after the damned dinosaur eats it off. Even if it’s one of the “nice” dinosaurs it is still big as hell and it’s going to probably knock a bunch of your stuff over and maybe step on you because it thinks you’re a bug and squishing things makes them feel powerful and god-like. If you still think dinosaurs are better than cold sores after that then I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe you deserve to get squished, you asshole.
CAPTAIN RON -25 vs. Captain Morgan
Look I love alcohol as much as the next man, assuming the next man is a Civil War General with a death wish, but spiced rum is garbage and people who drink it are garbage and should be fed to raccoons at the grand feast for the raccoon king’s coronation (I was so close to winning last year, you guys.) I used to drink spiced rum in high school when I was an idiot. Now that I’m a worldly gentleman of refined taste I spit and hiss at it like a raccoon at your shoo broom.
Know what I don’t spit and hiss at though? The delightful 1992 Action/Adventure/Comedy romp Captain Ron, starring Kurt Russell and Martin Short. Short plays a stuck up jackass who for some reason buys a boat and wants to sail his wife and kids around on it because they didn’t have the internet or adultery back then. Kurt Russell plays the titular Captain Ron, who is a sleazy perverted drunk pirate who Martin Short entrusts the lives of his family to because you can tell that he hates them. Well the plan to have them killed and collect on the boat’s insurance money backfires, because guess what? Captain Ron has a heart of gold! And wouldn’t you know it, along the way ol’ stick in the mud Martin Short learns to live a little! Then I’m assuming he pays Captain Ron to cuckold him while he sits in a corner yelling insults at his own penis. Either way, four stars! It’s fun for the whole family! Way better than shitty rum and if you don’t think so you can go kick rocks until you get so good at kicking rocks that you declare yourself eligible for the National Rock-Kicking League draft and then realize that isn’t a thing and you’re much drunker than you thought you were.
MORTDECAI -100 vs. Everything You’ve Ever Known and Loved
Johnny Depp you magnificent bastard you have done it again.