Aries (March 21 – April 19): This is the week you try out that new snake recipe you read about in Home & Garden. Just make sure you extract ALL the poison and use it for sauce only on the plate of your mortal enemy Sarah.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The crazy clown asks you for forgiveness and you let them back into your life. This is a mistake. You need to stay strong and remember all the harm that was done. Like the time Ronald stole your first born and he wasn’t caught for a week even though the amber alert was very clear about what kind of car he was driving.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Your girlfriend is constantly watching shows about murder. Usually it’s the victim’s boyfriend that did it. You wonder if it’s making her paranoid as she sets up a live stream of you sleeping at night just to make sure every moment is documented.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Confidence goes a long way today. You know you are sexy, you know you are in charge. When you believe it other people will see it. So go out into the world and do whatever you want because this is your time.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Stop working on your “entire meals in pill form” project. No-one wants to eat less. In fact you should start working on your “entire meals with no calories” project. That would sell a lot more.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Listen, maybe if you were doing data entry it would be alright to go without your morning coffee, but you build stuff. When you are at work you need to be awake and alert or things go wrong.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): I know you feel like Sony let you down by not releasing the new Seth Rogen/ James Franco movie. But weren’t you more disappointed in them for wanting to make a Seth Rogen/ James Franco movie. Just try to remember the good times you and Sony had together. Laying in bed together. Sony did all the work, all you had to do was make sure the batteries were still good and there was a cassette in the walk man.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You let your dog fill in for you at work today. There was no drop off in production. Worse yet, your boss dropped by the office and they didn’t even notice it wasn’t you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You are an artist. You are creative. You are stuck in a job where you aren’t fully appreciated. You take your shots where you can and one day the right people will find you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A new job opportunity presents itself. Door to door sales of yoga pole dancing classes at the local gym. You are offered a substantial commission for each package of classes you sell, but really take the time to think about how you are going to present this sale before accepting the position.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You are a powerful woman. If a man is intimidated by you, that is his problem. No amount of lift in his pick up truck or yelling at sports games will ever make him feel man enough.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): This holiday season you top everyone as the cool uncle as you show your nieces and nephews your new “magic trick”.