Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that is considered canonical by the Church of Satan.
I am very sick at the moment so I am going to try to keep this week’s DICK PICKS (relatively) short. Stuff happened last week. Teams won, other teams lost. Someone scored a touchdown. A thing made people mad, and a guy fell down. That about covers it.
ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 8-7-1, and as always home team is in caps.
Arizona +4 vs. ST. LOUIS
As bad as Arizona’s offense has looked and as good as St. Louis’ defense has looked, I am not laying points with the Rams against a 10-3 team right now. This game will end in a 0-0 tie and everyone will be glad that the Cardinals left and that the Rams are going to leave soon.
Oakland +10 vs. KANSAS CITY
Ohhh no, I fell in this trap before. Sure Kansas City is desperate for a win since their playoff hopes fell close to nothing after last week, but Oakland has already sabotaged their shot at the number one pick so why not try to further ruin a rival’s season while they’re at it? If it’s really cold expect Andy Reid to blow through his time outs extra early since he’ll have to wear more layers and it will be harder for him to remember which pocket is his snack pocket.
BALTIMORE -14 vs. Jacksonville
Man, that’s a big line, but Baltimore is trying to backdoor its way into a division title and Jacksonville is SOOOOOO bad. They are giving up about 28 sacks a game, and Elvis Dumervil had four sacks last week so I’m thinking he will have at least 112 sacks this week if my math holds. Of course then it would get called for a ten yard penalty (that’s a little football humor for those of you familiar with the sport and its rules. Don’t want to forget what you came here for!)
ATLANTA +2 vs. Pittsburgh
Welp, Atlanta is a giant pile of sewer trash drying in the sun so they should be able to beat the Steelers by 30 points because the Steelers are idiots for some reason. Le’v’eo’n Bell has gained about a billion yards this season but I doubt he will on Sunday because I am playing him in my fantasy football playoffs so I had a gypsy swear at a picture of him on my phone. I highly recommend befriending a gypsy but be careful because they are very untrustworthy and smell of odd spices.
INDIANAPOLIS -6.5 vs. Houston
Sure I’ll lay less than a touchdown with the Colts at home against the Texans. Why not? * watches the first 59 minutes of the Colts/Browns game from Sunday* Awwww fuck.
Cincinnati +1 vs. CLEVELAND
I was about to ask how the Bengals were underdogs to Johnny Football in his first ever NFL start and then I remembered that Andy Dalton is kind of bad and the last time they played, the Browns defense did to him what the English did to Braverheart at the end of Braveheart (fucked him with a horse or something? I don’t know, I haven’t seen that movie in a while. I just remember there were horses. And Mel Gibson certainly LOOKED like he was getting fucked. Whatever.)
Anyway, I still think Cincinnati will win and then everyone will be all “OH MY GOD DID JOHNNY MANZIEL STAY UP PAST HIS BED TIME LAST NIGHT IS THAT WHY HE WAS SO BAD?!” and the answer will be “No, he’s just bad at football and you should have realized this while he was getting outplayed by Brian Hoyer in the preseason.”
NEW ENGLAND -7.5 vs Miami
REVENGE!!! But not really. New England struggles in Miami, Miami struggles in New England, and so it goes. It’s pretty amazing that no matter how good Miami can look, they still end up finishing somewhere around .500 at best. It’s like somebody built this team on a very mediocre Indian burial ground.
Tampa Bay +3 vs. CAROLINA
Cam Newton broke his back in a car accident and the Panthers are still favored which says about as much as you need to say about the Buccaneers, but Vegas slapped the old “home team in a toss up” line on this one. The winners of the NFC South should have to wear paper bags over their heads like embarrassed fans when they’re introduced for their playoff game. Then they can unfurl a giant “WE’RE REALLY, REALLY SORRY” banner and instead of fireworks they’ll just have candles and a moment of quiet reflection. And then there’s a bear on a motorcycle because not everything needs to be about them.
NY GIANTS -6.5 vs. Washington
Green Bay -4 vs. BUFFALO
I think Buffalo is eliminated from the playoffs or they need like every other game for the rest of the season to end in a tie to get in or something like that. Either way, this is a team with no quarterback and a team with no quarterback is a team with no future so it will be adorable for the next couple of years to watch Sammy Watkins staying late after practice until it gets dark, throwing himself passes, pretending he’s winning the Super Bowl, while he slowly dies inside because the sun had forgotten Buffalo long, long ago.
DETROIT -8 vs. Minnesota
So we’re on this whole “Is Teddy Bridgewater good?” thing again. Well, the short answer is “No.” The long answer is “Maybe soon?” Him and Derek Carr have looked like the least terrible of all the rookie quarterbacks, and even better than second year QBs like Geno Smith, EJ Manuel, and Mike Glennon. Now, these are all awful, awful quarterbacks that we’re comparing them to, but you have to start somewhere? Anyway I’m picking Detroit and all of these games are stupid.
NY Jets -2 vs. TENNESSEE
Jesus fucking Christ what did the people of New York do this week that they’re stuck with these two fucking games? THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR PROTESTING AN INNOCENT BLACK MAN’S DEATH! Watching this game would be like watching your childhood pet have surgery performed on it by your childhood enemy’s childhood pet.
Denver -4 vs. SAN DIEGO
Ehhhh I don’t know. San Diego kind of stinks. It would be nice to see Peyton Manning suck again, but what has he sucked for like, four games in a row or something? That’s going to stop. He’s probably going to throw for like a hundred touchdowns and then look Rivers in the eye and say “Quiverfull is the nickname I give your wife when I’m making her come.” and Rivers will be like “Don’t you EVER insinuate that my wife has had an orgasm! Women DO NOT enjoy sex in my household. I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!”
SEATTLE -10 vs. San Francisco
WOW an 18 point swing from last week to this week for the 49ers, and I still can’t take the points because I’m not convinced it’s possible for San Fran to score any points. I’m not a scientist, but I think Colin Kaepernick’s stupid fucking giant hat that makes him look like an idiot four year old is the reason. You would never see Russell Wilson wearing a hat like that! You would actually never see any grown man wearing a hat like that except for maybe Johnny Manziel but that’s because that kid looks like a fucking moron.
PHILADELPHIA -3 vs. Dallas
Of FUCKING Course it’s the NFC East on NBC! Jesus Christ at least this week there are no real candidates to flex the game. I know I’m picking Mark Sanchez in prime time but my other option is Tony Romo on the road in prime time so my hands are tied here. Maybe at the start of the game when they flip the coin they’ll just decide “hey how about we make this for the whole game? Call it in the air and the winner just wins the whole damn division and we don’t even have to play” and then they toss the coin and that’s it and then everybody gets to go to bed early. That would be neat.
CHICAGO +3 vs. New Orleans
Fuck. Seriously? Jesus we’re still three weeks away from the playoffs… * drinks all of the NyQuil and sets alarm for three weeks from now*
LAST WEEK: 8-7-1 * rock drops all the way to the bottom of a well to make a very satisfying little plunk*
SEASON TOTAL: 101-103-4