Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your mom finally says you can get a dog. Go big or go home. Get a wolf! They are free! You can just find one in the woods. Go big or go home.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): I know you’ve been reading a lot lately about your white privilege. That does not mean that you should try and start an illegal bare knuckle boxing league/gambling ring. The cops will find out much quicker than you thought and you’ll be in jail despite your skin color. Because you’re still poor.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Contrary to popular belief, Thailand, though cheaper, is not the best place to get plastic surgery. nobody believes those are your real calves, or your real penis.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): This week you decide to start going to the gym again. First you buy all the new athletic equipment you need. Then you decide you’re tired and you’ll hit the gym tomorrow. This continues all week.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): The army of turkeys you have been training for a year in preparation for the hostile takeover has all been for not. Thanksgiving was yesterday, you lost all your momentum with the turkeys. Maybe you should drink less.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): The worst part of Thanksgiving is the 7 days that follow it. During which time Ronald Mcdonald continues driving around in his creep mobile that might as well be a van with “Free American Girl Dolls” written on the side. You know he’s looking for children to take to his cave and spin into cotton candy cocoons for weeks before devouring them.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): This Christmas, if you get your loved one a gift card to the sex shop, and your father a gift card to Ace Hardware, make sure you don’t mix them up. You have had enough “talks” with your dad.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your parents basement gets flooded due to a major storm. You remember that you left a bunch of comic books there. They all get ruined except for Aquaman. Somehow Aquaman comes through as if it was never even touched by the water.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Even though your coworker is Jewish, you still have to give them a gift this year when you draw them at the office Secret Santa. The stars should not have to tell you this, you learned this lesson last year when you just yelled “buck the system” when it was time to give a gift to poor David.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You will meet your perfect match this week. They will be smart, funny, and attractive. Their name will be Alex. By the end of the week you will break it off because you’re afraid of how far it will go.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You finally stood up for yourself, if you only want to eat stuffing you can only eat stuffing. You showed them! However, you have an interesting day of bowel movements today.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): I know you really want to recreate a childhood photo for your mom’s birthday but REALLY think about which photo you want to recreate, otherwise things could get real awkward.