Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Every time it’s your turn to do the dishes you just throw them away. One day these wedding gifts will run out. It’s time to come clean.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): It doesn’t matter that they are everywhere, you can’t just fight turkeys. Even this close to Thanksgiving it’s still a big no-no.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Stop using the zombie apocalypse as an excuse not to shower. Most people would have to be dead to not smell you. Collect guns or something, ANYTHING! Take a shower!
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Today you become a true helicopter mom as you purchase a drone equipped with a video camera to keep tabs on your children.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Remember when you wore a kilt to prom? Everyone else does. Man, you were out-there.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): A few days ago your boyfriend purchased a yellow sweater. Today he will come home with some suspicious red shoes. Ronald McDonald has gotten to him. Get out while you can!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Good news, you passed your exam and it looks like you are going to be the smartest mail man in your town.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): I bet you didn’t even know you could get two parking tickets in two hours… until today. Better go check on your car.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Your mom’s new boyfriend insists on making homemade cranberry sauce this thanksgiving instead of using the canned stuff as usual. Fuck that guy.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Go ahead, buy that snowblower. Next week the stars will tell you how much snow we’re going to get this winter.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You can’t cook, and no one has been telling you because all your friends are poor and you cook for them all the time. Start putting a little more thought into what “meats” you put into your meatloaf.