That’s right you guys, I’m one of those. Since I was but a child, a have graced the mud, home-made corset and weirdo-with-a-sword-collection filled forest to attend many a Renaissance faire. I fucking love it. I can’t help it and I don’t really care who knows it. THAT’S RIGHT HATERS!
If you don’t know what King Richards Faire is, or any Renaissance fair for that matter, it’s a lovely little event in which weirdos from all parts of the globe convene in the middle of the woods to dress up in old timey costumes and eat giant turkey legs. There is a fair amount of jousting, if that’s your thing. It’s also a great place to get drunk and make fun of people, while simultaneously wishing you had dressed up yourself, which is what I did.
I love Renaissance faires, but lets be realistic. Shit’s gotten out of hand. The problem I have with the Renaissance faire at base is this: Historical inaccuracy. Nerds the world over are quick to point out any factoid, inconsistency or fault while having some pointless debate about Star Wars/Trek/The Next Generation/Deep Space 9…(Who am I kidding no one liked deep space 9)…BUT it’s totally cool to walk around with fucking elf ears, useless steam punk goggles or dressed as some sort of demon for no reason? FUCK NO.
Do you know what people would DO to you if you were walking around dressed as a demon-elf thing in the Middle Ages? You’d be burned as a goddamn witch, because that’s what they did to EVERYONE who did as much as coughed the wrong way. And guys, this was in the middle of plague times, there was a lot of fucking coughing.
Ok, so you argue that ‘elves and faeries(1) are totally real though!’ (Fun Fact: They’re not). Faerie folk were supposed to hide deep in the woods, and fuck shit up when no one around, not walk around out in the open with mead stains on their shirts. You guys are getting your lore wrong, and a fat winged demon with a neckbeard(2) walking around like it ain’t no thing, just isn’t cannon.
(As a side note, I did see someone dressed as Dr. Who, which I will let slide, because as a space/time traveler, Dr. Who can technically show up anywhere he damn well pleases. I will also let off the guy I saw in a wheel chair, even though during that time, at best you’d be carried around in a wheelbarrow like Bran from Game of Thrones and at worst you’d be left of a hill to die. But look, I get it, being an a wheel chair sucks, so maybe just spray paint it gold and say it’s a magical throne or something? I’m just kickin’ around ideas here.)
…Anyway, the food
I’m gonna give this a hearty MEH. Look, you guys, this ain’t my first jousting match. I went to the Ren Faire in Sterling, New York almost every year as a kid, the food was always great and at least sorta tried to be authentic. At King Richard’s I had clam chowder in a bread bowl. I’m pretty sure it was from a can. This is Massachusetts, we live in the fucking land of clams. Not to mention, no one figured out how to make bread in bowl form until roughly 1996, when Panera invented it.
AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THOSE GIANT MUTANT TURKEY LEGS. Nevermind, I’m starting. Factory farming! GMOS! Weird growth hormones & antibiotics! Gah! What I’m saying is, aside from the fact none of this garbage was invented yet, I wouldn’t want to eat one of these unless I was interested in having an extra arm grow out of my forehead, which people tell me is an unattractive quality in a lady.
There was plenty of it, although drink tickets, again, had yet to be invented, (as well as Amstel Light.) Points for the mead though. Also points for drinking in general.
Shows & Attractions
Pretty good. I drunkenly squeeeed over some baby tigers and talked to a guy dressed as a satyr. Tigers are my favorite, and animal abuse has existed since the beginning of time (if you consider being stared at by a bunch of costumed weirdos abuse), so they hit the nail on the head. BABY TIGERS! SO FUZZY!!! OMG HUGS!
After the last squee had been squeed out of me, we went to the jousting match. It pretty much looked like what a jousting match should look like, except nobody died. This was disappointing to me. I tried to remedy this by shouting WE WANT BLOOD and TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS, to the sexy jousting men, but for some reason my humor was not appreciated. They probably didn’t have enough mead.
Great, if you’re someone who can somehow justify to themselves that buying an entire suit of armor is a sound financial investment. Since this was after several glasses of mead, my friend Phoebe had to convince me that buying a $300 corset was not a good idea and I would, in fact, regret it. She was partially correct. I would have regretted spending the money, but only because for some reason walking around dressed like a medieval princess IS FROWNED UPON but dressing in 1920s-1950s inspired vintage clothing is totally cool and not (that) weird at all. FINE. I will doff my cloche hat and say good day to you sirs!
Welp. It looks like they got at least once thing close to historically accurate. The delightful forest of port-a-potties they had WERE FUCKING GROSS. I’m not gonna go into detail here, but they had no working sinks, no hand sanitizer, and NO TOILET PAPER. This is the one reality of the middle ages that I would have been totally cool with if they had decided to forgo. BUT if you’re looking to get close to your medieval past by shitting in a filthy hole, this definitely the place for you.
Overall I had a good time, it was fun to walk around drunk in the woods and wish you were a princess. That being said this wasn’t the best Ren faire I’ve been to, and I think I might have been infected with the Black Death from those bathrooms.
Out of 5 stars I’m giving King Richards Faire a 3.
But seriously, it’s not a bad day trip. King Richard’s Faire is done for the season but make sure to check it out next fall! Go here for details: kingrichardsfaire.net
1) I spelled it right, bitches.
2) Neckbeards were also a burnable offense.
3) Okay, I might have made that up, but it SOUNDS good.