Welcome to DICK PICKS Part II: DICKS PICKER! Let’s get right into the picks because I did plenty of rambling in Part I.
INDIANAPOLIS -9.5 vs. Washington
Fredo Gruden benched Bobby Griffiths Jr. this week, effectively ending one of their tenures in Washington. Who will it be?! I don’t fucking care, as long as this franchise suffers. Even though his team won last week, Andrew Luck did not play well. I don’t expect that to happen two weeks in a row but I’m always wrong about everything so take that for what it’s worth. I remember when Griffiths Jr. and Luck were being drafted there were people who tried to argue that Bobby was the safer pick and I’m glad those people look like idiots now because that was a very dumb thing to think. BGriffDos got benched for Colt McCoy because of performance issues. A list of people who were NOT benched for Colt McCoy due to performance issues includes Jake Delhomme, Seneca Wallace, Brandon Weeden, and Alex Smith. This is like if your girlfriend dumped you for someone who was not good enough to play football better than Jake Delhomme in 2010, which accounts for about six people worldwide.
HOUSTON -7 vs. Tennessee
Ryan Fitzpatrick is back! And it still doesn’t matter because Tennessee is a miserable waste of an NFL franchise. The Texans should just let JJ Watt play quarterback. He pretty much does everything else anyway and he can’t be any worse than Ryan Fitzpatrick. I think the only reason they don’t do this is because the sheer force of every sportswriter in America cumming at the same time would be enough to push the Earth off its axis and send us all spinning into the sun. Which would be bad. Maybe.
BUFFALO -2.5 vs. Cleveland
This game is strength against strength, as the Bills defensive line goes up against the Browns offensive line and blah blah blah I’m taking the home team giving fewer than three points. The most important storyline here is that this is a battle for America’s most miserable city. These places take pride in their misery, especially when it’s football related. Who will come out on bottom?! Trick question. They are both awful and nobody wants to live there and at some point or another both cities will be abandoned and the wolves will take over and probably save the damn economies.
BALTIMORE -5.5 vs. San Diego
Well, taking mostly home teams I see. I’m fine with that because this isn’t typically a week where we see a ton of upsets. Better teams separate themselves from shitty teams so the playoff picture becomes clearer, and 90% of football fans get mad about being eliminated from their fantasy football playoffs. I’d consider picking San Diego to cover against a terrible Baltimore secondary, but Phillip Rivers has a punctured lung and the air in Baltimore probably isn’t safe to breathe what with all the crack smoke and crab farts and decomposing bodies. God, why are American cities so awful? Oh right, the income gap and militarized police forces. That makes sense.
NY Giants -3 vs. JACKSONVILLE
If the Giants can’t cover this spread then they better put Tom Coughlin in a home and take away Eli’s GameBoy.
Cincinnati -4 vs. TAMPA BAY
NFC South alert! NFC South alert! The only way the Bengals lose this game is if the sun in Florida is too much for Andy Dalton’s ginger skin and he gets burned so badly that they have to call the fire department but the fire department keeps spraying their hoses at his head and pubes because how the fuck are they supposed to know? Florida banned gingers and witchcraft in the 1800s.
Oakland +7 vs. ST. LOUIS
Can Oakland do what Denver couldn’t and go into the daunting Edward Jones Dome and lose by less than seven?! I think so. This is yet another game that will be played under the shadow of the race riots going on in Ferguson, which is a little crazy since I feel like Oakland essentially invented the race riot. I have no idea what it’s like to be a black guy in America, but it seems REALLY shitty. White people are scared of you for no real reason, and then they give some of those white people guns and allow fear to be used as an excuse to shoot them at you. Then AFTER they shoot you, they come up with a whole list of rules about not scaring white people so they don’t have to shoot you. “Look, if he wasn’t wearing that pointy hat and blowing out those candles, nobody would have shot him. Next time, just don’t wear the hat or blow out the candles and you’ll be fine.” Maybe black men are five times more likely to go to prison because that’s the least likely place for them to get shot by police.
New Orleans +4 vs. PITTSBURGH
I don’t know why the fuck I’m picking New Orleans again since they look fucking terrible and can’t even win at home anymore. Oh yeah, I’m picking them BECA– USE they look terrible! Every time a team looks fucking terrible, and then they play the Steelers, the Steelers try to be even more terrible to compensate. Pittsburgh couldn’t cover spreads against the Browns (twice,) the Buccaneers, the Jaguars, the Jets, or the Titans. I have no rational explanation for this other than since the Steelers do things THE RIGHT WAY they hate gambling so much that they purposely tank easy games to upset bettors. Or maybe they’re just a mediocre team in a bad division that gets to play two awful divisions. You decide, because I’m too busy to do it myself. * sits quietly for a couple of minutes, picks nose with reckless abandon*
Carolina +3 vs. MINNESOTA
Arizona -2.5 vs. ATLANTA
Wow, now I’m on a streak of taking road teams and I feel much worse about my chances this week. Uhhh let me see… THIS IS A BATTLE OF TWO DIVISION LEADERS YOU GUYS!!! Sure, one has five more wins than the other, but OH MY GOD POTENTIAL PLAYOFF MATCHUP!!! BOTH TEAMS HAVE RED JERSEYS!!! BOTH TEAMS ARE BIRDS!!! THEY BOTH PLAY IN DOMED STADIUMS WHICH IS IRONIC BECA– USE BIRDS CAN’T GET IN THERE!!! THEY WOULD BOTH HAVE COACHES NAMED MIKE IF ONE TEAM’S COACH WASN’T NAMED BRUCE!!! So many similarities that it’s hard to pick, but I’m going to put my money on Bruce Mike instead of Mike Mike.
New England +3 vs. GREEN BAY
Everyone is talking this game up like it’s the Super Bowl before the Super Bowl but in reality this game means ALMOST NOTHING to either team. If New England loses and then wins out, they get the number one seed in the AFC. If the Packers lose, and then win out, they win the division and probably also get a first round bye. Sure, a win would be NICE, but this is not make or break for either team. So why am I picking New England? Because as great as Aaron Rodgers is, and as great as Tom Brady is, they cancel each other out for the most part. That means this will come down to coaching. Mike McCarthy could fuck up an order in a Wendy’s drive thru, and Dom Capers is so old that I’m pretty sure “blitz” is the only word he knows anymore. The Pats’ secondary has a tall order covering Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb, while still accounting for Eddy Lacy. But the Packer defense hasn’t played a balanced team all year and they don’t know what the fuck to do if they’re not winning by 21 points after the first quarter. Maybe I’m biased (VOTE TY LAW INTO THE HALL OF FAME MOTHERFUCKERS!!!) but I don’t think Green Bay’s success has been a home and away thing so much as a “hey these guys just keep giving us the football, should we score another touchdown? I guess we’ll score another touchdown” thing. If the Patriots don’t turn the ball over more than once in the first half I think they’re alright. * watches Patriots turn it over three times in the first half, sets Dropkick Murphys CD on fire*
KANSAS CITY +1.5 vs, Denver
This pick is entirely out of spite so feel free to go against it if you so desire. Fuck you Denver for not being able to beat St. Louis or cover against Miami. I hope the Chiefs lay waste to your dogshit offensive line and Jamaal Charles runs for 800 yards on four carries. Like he runs for 100, then turns around and runs the other way for another 100, four times, just to make you look stupid. The Chiefs’ Eric Berry might have lymphoma which is a fucking tragedy because he’s great and I love watching him play. I hope they dedicate this game to him and then kick the shit out of the Broncos and pour one of those Gatorade buckets over Andy Reid’s head because he’s been secretly filling them with gravy in the hopes that his team wins a big game.
Miami -5.5 vs. NY JETS
Welcome back Geno Smith! * Geno immediately overthrows Eric Decker and the football hits a helicopter and the helicopter falls onto the field killing everyone* Oh.. Oh no…