Hey ladies, its Halloween time, and you know what that means! Legs bare, tits out, & lady parts barely covered! Its time to prove to everyone you know that the chilly fall weather in New England really doesn’t affect you because seriously, frostbite is not that big of a deal, and you fit way better into those cute little strappy heels without the burden of your little toe.
But what exactly does that sexy sex filled costume say about you? — is a question no one is asking.
Too bad! I’ve set out to psychologically dissect you, using very little information via list article! Because if there’s one thing we all know for certain about chicks who wear the sexiest of costumes, is that no matter how much you insist, no one really believes that you’re not freezing your ass off.
You love telling jokes! Too bad most of them involve props and are intensely unfunny. You think everyone loves you but really you just kind of creep people out. There is a very strange corner of the internet that might want to see you do something with a cream pie. Do it.
You’re interested in the medical profession, but lets be realistic, being a doctor is like waaaay too hard and totally not sexy. Catheterizing people & cleaning up bed pans is way more your style. Consider doing scat porn.
You’d like to believe you have a savior complex but really you’re just kind of an overconfident douchbag with rich parents. You move to LA to start a career in showbiz but end up standing on Hollywood Blvd and trying to get people to take photos with you in your old Halloween costume for money. You get stabbed to death by a meth addict wearing half an Elmo costume.
Clearly, you have never met a nun and you’re probably not even Catholic. You know nuns are celibate right? There is absolutely nothing sexy about nuns. They are born old angry ladies. Like, for real. Nuns are actually hatched as full grown octigenarians from the eggs laid by the Easter Bunny. Then, they are then sent to Catholic schools to teach pre-calc and make you feel like and idiot cuz you fucked up your homework and you quit the class mid semester cuz fuck it, I’m going to art school anyway YOU MOLDY OLD C—-….cough cough, sorry about that.
Subtly isn’t your strong point.
Your knowledge of women’s prisons doesn’t extend beyond porn and that one episode you saw of Orange is the New Black. You get yourself arrested, then jailed to live out your sexiest fantasy. You think of yourself as bisexual but as soon as you realize that public hair is involved you start to rethink things. And look gurrrrl, this is prison. There’s going to be a lot of pubic hair.
YOU VILE FIEND! HOW DARE YOU VIOLATE THE CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE THAT IS GHOSTBUSTERS! BILL MURRAY SHALL DANCE UPON YOUR GRAVE! I HATE YOU WITH THE BLOODY FLAMING PASSION OF A THOUSAND SUNS! YOU FILTHY HORRIBLE C—-
…oh man sorry again. Some joke about ectoplasm or something. (weeps softly)**
And there you have it! A deft psychoanalysis from someone who took a psychology class for a semester in high school! Remember ladies, Halloween isn’t about creativity, or celebrating BEILZIBUB OUR LORD AND MASTER, it’s all about the titties. Do the right thing.
* Somewhere on the the internet, there exists a serious version of this article, which the most depressing thing I can think of.
**Yeah yeah, that was probably an overreaction, but my love of the Ghostbusters runs deep. I even wrote a dumb list article about it. You should probably read it.
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