What your Sexy Halloween Costume Says About You! – by Christa Weiss


Hey ladies, its Halloween time, and you know what that means! Legs bare, tits out, & lady parts barely covered! Its time to prove to everyone you know that the chilly fall weather in New England really doesn’t affect you because seriously, frostbite is not that big of a deal, and you fit way better into those cute little strappy heels without the burden of your little toe.

But what exactly does that sexy sex filled costume say about you? — is a question no one is asking.


Too bad! I’ve set out to psychologically dissect you, using very little information via list article! Because if there’s one thing we all know for certain about chicks who wear the sexiest of costumes, is that no matter how much you insist, no one really believes that you’re not freezing your ass off.


This costume is going to haunt my nightmares forever. (halloweencostumes.com)

Sexy clown

You love telling jokes! Too bad most of them involve props and are intensely unfunny. You think everyone loves you but really you just kind of creep people out. There is a very strange corner of the internet that might want to see you do something with a cream pie. Do it.



If you're not wearing a tube top, you're not really a medical professional. (http://www.wendybox.com)

If you’re not wearing a tube top, you’re not really a medical professional. (http://www.wendybox.com)

Sexy nurse

You’re interested in the medical profession, but lets be realistic, being a doctor is like waaaay too hard and totally not sexy. Catheterizing people & cleaning up bed pans is way more your style. Consider doing scat porn.

The more holes you cut into an outfit, the more aerodynamic it is. (www.halloweenoutfitsforcheap.com)

The more holes you cut into an outfit, the more aerodynamic it is. (www.halloweenoutfitsforcheap.com)


Sexy Superhero

You’d like to believe you have a savior complex but really you’re just kind of an overconfident douchbag with rich parents. You move to LA to start a career in showbiz but end up standing on Hollywood Blvd and trying to get people to take photos with you in your old Halloween costume for money. You get stabbed to death by a meth addict wearing half an Elmo costume.


Call me crazy but vinyl doesn't seem to be part of their dress code. (Sexy Nun Adult Costume.com)

Call me crazy but vinyl doesn’t seem to be part of their dress code. (Sexy Nun Adult Costume.com)

Sexy Nun

Clearly, you have never met a nun and you’re probably not even Catholic. You know nuns are celibate right? There is absolutely nothing sexy about nuns. They are born old angry ladies. Like, for real. Nuns are actually hatched as full grown octigenarians from the eggs laid by the Easter Bunny. Then, they are then sent to Catholic schools to teach pre-calc and make you feel like and idiot cuz you fucked up your homework and you quit the class mid semester cuz fuck it, I’m going to art school anyway YOU MOLDY OLD C—-….cough cough, sorry about that.


...because I like my thinly veiled vagina reference costumes with a healthy dose of racism.

…because I like my thinly veiled vagina references with a healthy dose of racism. Ole! (www.geekyhostess.com)


Sexy Taco

Subtly isn’t your strong point.


Fun fact: Zippers are prohibited in prison. And undergarments. And anything you might shave with. http://www.pinterest.com/pin/189221621814950494/

Fun Fact: Zippers are prohibited in prison. And undergarments. And anything you might shave with.

Sexy Prisoner

Your knowledge of women’s prisons doesn’t extend beyond porn and that one episode you saw of Orange is the New Black. You get yourself arrested, then jailed to live out your sexiest fantasy. You think of yourself as bisexual but as soon as you realize that public hair is involved you start to rethink things. And look gurrrrl, this is prison. There’s going to be a lot of pubic hair.


Logicstically speaking, it would be extreemely difficult to bust ghosts when you're tits are in constant danger of flying out. (go4costumes.com)

Logistically speaking, it would be extremely difficult to bust ghosts when you’re tits are in constant danger of popping out.


Sexy Ghostbuster


…oh man sorry again. Some joke about ectoplasm or something. (weeps softly)**


And there you have it! A deft psychoanalysis from someone who took a psychology class for a semester in high school! Remember ladies, Halloween isn’t about creativity, or celebrating BEILZIBUB OUR LORD AND MASTER, it’s all about the titties. Do the right thing.



* Somewhere on the the internet, there exists a serious version of this article, which the most depressing thing I can think of.

**Yeah yeah, that was probably an overreaction, but my love of the Ghostbusters runs deep. I even wrote a dumb list article about it. You should probably read it.








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Christa Weiss

Christa Weiss is the editor & web mistress at UnSceneComedy.com. Christa performed in the 2014 Boston Comedy Festival and was the February 2014 Comic in Residence at the Comedy Studio in Cambridge, MA. She participated in the inaugural Chicago Women’s Funny Festival, the Women in Comedy Festival, the She Dot Comedy Festival, the North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival, the Cleveland Comedy Festival and is a featured performer on Rooftop Comedy. She produces Broad Appeal Comedy Night, a female-focused comedy show in Boston. She also appears in commercials for the New England Sports Network (NESN).