Aries (March 21 – April 19): Today a bird will poop on your head. They say that’s good luck but you don’t believe in luck, you don’t even believe in horoscopes. Why are you reading this?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your great aunt died – sad 🙁 but she left you $300 – happy 🙂 but you spent it all on cocaine, so now you are addicted to cocaine, sad again 🙁
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Your roommate ate all of your peanut butter AGAIN! That’s crazy! who eats all the peanut butter in a sitting! any way, you fill her shampoo bottle with Nair, to get back at her… so now you have an ugly roommate, you lose again.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You find a new cause. Now you have to put time and energy into making your dreams a reality. It won’t be easy, you’ll have to hit the streets, organize a group, maybe even make a couple of signs. In the end it will all be worth it if you’re willing to put in the work.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): After much consideration you decide NOT to join in the bagel head fad. Although your choice is dictated mostly by your financial situation it is your lack of funds that will save you from yourself. Instead just get an actual bagel on your way to work today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): This week you thought it was finally safe to go back to MacDonald’s, well it was not. That clown killed all your pet fish while you were out, and gave you one less chicken nugget in your 18pk than you were supposed to get.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Work is too boring, you decide to play a little game to make the workplace more exciting. So you sneak into your coworkers cubicle while they are on lunch break and replace every picture they have with a dick pic you received from tinder. I mean even the framed pictures, take them out of the frame and slide in an ugly member.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): This week you will participate as an audience member on the Oprah Winfrey show. You keep checking under your seat but there is nothing. You check again and again, as if someone would sneak it under during the show. Still nothing. After the show you feel ripped off.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): If you got cat eye contact lenses, you would look creepy, and your significant other will give you an ultimatum, but hey, you are being the best version of your self that you can be. get after it puss puss.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You’re in the pet store when you feel a strong urge to move to Peru. You are not sure why.- maybe its Machu Picchu, maybe it’s the exhilarating South American culture… any way, you get there and it turns out that you really just wanted to eat a guinea pig.