UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski
Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that gives out cigarettes and condoms to trick or treaters because if a kid starts smoking you know they are going to get SO LAID.
It’s a spooooooooooky edition of DICK PICKS this week which is mainly because my bad advice and faulty logic are going to cost you a lot of money and then you’ll end up living with your parents again and nobody will ever have sex with you (unless you smoke and look cool while you’re doing it.)
Last week was pretty insane, and a lot of stuff happened. Some of it was good. Some of it was not so good. But all of it was definitely stuff. There was a game at 9:30 in the morning! Who the fuck decided that was a good idea? It was in England so maybe their asshole queen had to drive around waving later that day so everyone could pack the streets and watch her wave and talk about how good she is at waving? I don’t know what the hell they do over there. Farm? Do people still farm? I thought machines did that now.
Anyway, the Lions managed to beat the Falcons in the most Lions way possible: through sheer ineptitude. If you didn’t see it, they missed a field goal as time expired which was negated by a delay of game penalty, then they made the second try from five yards further out. This probably confused the fuck out of all the English in the crowd not only because the referees didn’t even seem to know what was going on, but also because they were probably wondering why the only guy on the team who kicks the ball was so bad at it.
If Falcons coach Mike Smith doesn’t get fired after this disaster of a season I don’t know what he’d have to do to get fired. Take hostages? Show up to a game nude? Steal a zeppelin and fly around throwing acid on poor people? I don’t know but I just wasted 300 words on this stupid game so I need to go pour a drink.
Elsewhere in the NFL last week, Tom Brady looked great but mostly because the Bears stink. Ben the Rapist looked even better because Indy’s defense also stinks but it hadn’t gone public yet because of the awful teams they’ve played thus far. The Jets are wildly, hilariously, groin-grabbingly bad. The Cardinals seem legit, Philadelphia less so, Dallas less less so (is that a double negative? Did I mean more less so? Why would I even ask you? Your dad was right and you’re fucking useless.)
I’m sure other things happened too but I forgot about them because my brain is damaged. Maybe I’ll remember later. Maybe you can all S a fat D with your M (the M was originally supposed to stand for “mouth” but now that I think about it I like “mom” better.) ON TO THE PICKS!
Last week’s picks went 7-8-0, and as always, home team is in caps.
New Orleans -3 vs. CAROLINA
Drew Brees shut me up after I talked shit about him last week and this game is for control of what turned out to be the shittiest division in football, so expect a hard fought, emotional game with a lot of hard-hitti- HAHAHAHAHA I’m just kidding this game is on Thursday so it’s definitely going to suck. Maybe I shouldn’t pick the Saints over a bunch of black cats on Devil’s Night, but as Danzig would tell you, the devil doesn’t care about sports because he’s too mad about real issues like Obamacare.
San Diego +1.5 vs. MIAMI
San Diego gets ten days to prepare for a Miami team that I am still convinced is no good and they’re GETTING points so obviously since I love this game so much I will end up losing hundreds of dollars on it because this is a league where nothing makes sense and everybody hates me. Philip Rivers doesn’t celebrate Halloween because he thinks it’s wicked, so when trick or treaters come to his door he probably gives them little pamphlets about how they’re going to hell and then they all throw them on his lawn and he has to clean them all up the following day but he’s a fucking idiot so he does it again the next year. What I’m saying is that the Bible makes you stupid.
CINCINNATI -11 vs. Jacksonville
That is a LOT of points to be laying with Andy Dalton at the helm, but this Jaguars team is atrocious. They are the football equivalent of a Three Musketeers bar. Sure, they’re good enough to get into the league, but when you stack them up against the competition they are so lacking and underwhelming that just looking at them elicits feelings of anger and disgust. And if you like Three Musketeers then I’m sending a SWAT team to your home or place of business.
CLEVELAND -6.5 vs. Tampa Bay
I wonder what Johnny Manziel is going to dress up as for Halloween, because you know he’s the type of shithead that is going to turn up on TMZ dressed as Lil Wayne in blackface or some kind of awful Ebola/ISIS hybrid. I personally think he should go as a My Little Pony because it will prepare him for life as a sad, unemployed loner once he’s out of the league three years from now.
Washington -1 vs. MINNESOTA
This is the scariest game of the week, and probably the most likely to produce intense gore because Bobby Griffiths Jr. is starting and the odds of one of his limbs flying off and landing in the crowd are a lot higher than the odds that anyone outside of these two markets watches this game. Minnesota has vowed to not use Washington’s much despised nickname for this game which would be great if there wasn’t the giant racist caricature slapped on the side of those helmets. Even though portraying Vikings as blonde, horn-helmeted Scandinavians could also be seen as slightly racist if it were possible to be racist against white people but it isn’t. Fuck white people. Especially blonde white people. If you’ve ever met a blonde adult man then he is either Mormon or pure evil which are almost the same thing anyway. I read Under the Banner of Heaven. I know what those people are all about.
Philadelphia -2 vs. HOUSTON
Philadelphia got new life when Dallas lost on Monday night, so they can’t afford to squander this game and risk falling behind in the standings. Houston is in a terrible division and has an outside shot at a playoff berth but their quarterback is Ryan Fitzpatrick which is a thing you need to remind yourself of every week when you consider betting them, even as a home dog. I couldn’t think of anything scarier than having money on Houston in a one score game with a short spread and seeing Ryan Fitzpatrick trying to drive for a winning score. That’s actually not true because everybody knows that the scariest thing in the world is a bunch of children all singing in unison. Kidz Bop is nightmare incarnate.
KANSAS CITY -9.5 vs. NY Jets
Sure, this line seems big for two teams that primarily run the ball, but the Jets are going through the motions for their Dead Man Walking coach and probably care less about this game than even I do. This game is in Kansas City where the most horrific incident in NFL history happened (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, Goolge “Jovan Belcher.”) so it’s entirely possible that this stadium is haunted in which case it should be razed and the earth salted so nothing will ever grow there again. Very much like the Jets roster, actually.
Arizona +4 vs. DALLAS
Now we are seeing the Cowboys that we’ve come to know and love (because they’re poorly run and bad at football and it is very satisfying to watch them lose.) After Tony Romo was injured in Monday night’s loss to Dan Snyder’s Black Eye on the Reputation of the Sport, Jerry Jones, being the sane and rational person that he is, essentially called his starting quarterback a pussy if he doesn’t play on Sunday.
He didn’t say those exact words, but he did say that Romo’s status for the game would depend on his tolerance for pain. This is a great sign for people who hate the Cowboys because it means that this team is falling apart after only their second loss, and their quick decline to 8-8 is about to begin. For fans of the Cowboys, this is like Nightmare on Elm Street only if Freddie Kruger was an insane oil tycoon who just looked like a badly burned child molester instead of an actual badly burned child molester.
SAN FRANCISCO -10 vs. St. Louis
I was thinking about taking the points here, since San Fran already blew out the Rams once this year and in the NFL today it’s hard to blow a team out twice in one year. However, the Rams look like they’re finally primed to fall apart after throwing everything they had at the Seahawks and pulling out a win. San Fran needs another convincing win, because if Arizona runs away with this division after starting Drew Stanton, Logan Thomas, and Carson Palmer all in the same season, then Bruce Arians deserves a goddamned Nobel Prize. Jim Harbaugh seems like one of those guys that is such an insane hardass that for Halloween he would try to dress up for the sole purpose of proving to the world that he isn’t an insane hardass, but he would end up basing his costume on a Saturday Night Live reference from 25 years ago that none of the players will get so he’ll spend all night dressed as a pissed off Church Lady.
Denver -3 vs. NEW ENGLAND
It’s tough picking against the Patriots as home underdogs, especially since Denver is the kind of team they match up against decently well. They’re not a strong running team, and they’re vulnerable against the pass. I just don’t think New England’s competition in these past four games was as good as the Broncos and they could be exposed as being the slightly-better-than-mediocre team that everyone knows they are. It will be interesting to see what Gisele dresses Human Ken Doll Tom Brady as for Halloween this year since she always seems to publicly embarrass him on Halloween. I wouldn’t be surprised if she dresses as a dominatrix and leads him around on a leash in a gimp mask all weekend or even for the rest of his life for that matter.
SEATTLE -15 vs. Oakland
Seattle has to have at least one home blowout in them, and Oakland is the perfect patsy to take such a beating. Every day is a nightmare for Raiders fans because they have to balance watching their god-awful football team with probation hearings and community service while still trying to convince themselves that this team isn’t moving somewhere far away from Oakland that they can’t travel to because they’ve been deemed a flight risk.
Baltimore +1 vs. PITTSBURGH
Here it is. Here is the game that the Steelers lose by 30 points because everything seems to be going well for them and people are starting to give them way more credit than they deserve. They’re like the horror movie victim that has every chance to escape the killer but instead of running outside to freedom they run up the stairs and hide in the closet when YOU KNOW HE’S GOING TO LOOK IN THE CLOSET YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHY WOULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST GONE OUTSIDE HE DOESN’T EVEN RUN ARE YOU THAT FUCKING DENSE?! The Ravens are like that killer because they can’t run and they’re easy to defeat if you aren’t a fucking idiot about it but nobody seems to figure this out in time and also everyone hates them and wants them to die.
Indianapolis -3 vs. NY GIANTS
I forgot all about the Giants because they haven’t played for a week and it was blissful ignorance but now I am once again haunted by their mere existence. Eli Manning isn’t allowed to watch scary movies anymore because Archie and his mom got sick of him flying down to New Orleans to sleep in their bed when he was having bad dreams. Andrew Luck might be enough to give Eli nightmares, not because of how good he is at football but because he looks like a monster from a child’s fairy tale.