UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski
Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that will represent you in your personal injury lawsuit.
YEEEEEEEEEESSHHH I fucked up reeeeeeeaaaallll bad last week. Here I am assuming I’m going to coast to a winning record and someone yanks my rug out faster than I don’t know, that thing that Asian ladies do with the wax to your pubes? Is that just called waxing? That doesn’t seem right. I feel like it’s close enough to a medical procedure that it needs a more sophisticated name. What should that name be? I don’t know, what the fuck do I look like? Jesus, what is it with you people?
Right, football. Uhhhh… I’m not even sure I know what to talk about this week. Peyton Manning broke Brett Favre’s record, which is fine because Andrew Luck is going to shatter it in ten years when receivers are allowed to use butterfly nets and defenders have to spin around in a circle ten times fast before every snap. You know my theory on why there is still talk about who the greatest quarterback of all time is, despite Manning’s numbers making an obviously convincing case? Because he’s a fucking prick. And don’t let the commercials fool you, Manning is most certainly a prick. His body language with his teammates, his coaches, the refs… add that to the times he’s thrown other guys under the bus for his mistakes, and the fact that everyone who has ever played with him always refers to him as a “great quarterback” and never a “great guy” and it becomes pretty clear that everyone hates him.
People can say it’s a matter of championships, because that’s what always took Dan Marino out of the conversation, but Manning has his ring. Dan Marino not having a ring was just a convenient cover for the fact that Dan Marino was also a giant prick. Both of these guys are miserable, demanding, petulant assholes. Brett Favre only has one ring and even though Peyton just broke his record tons of people will STILL say Favre was a better quarterback, because people LIKED Brett Favre. Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant showed us that you need at least five rings before people forgive you for being the biggest asshole in your sport, and even then they will still talk about it forever.
Elsewhere in the NFL last week, the Jets put together the most dominating loss in the history of the sport, the Colts and Packers who started the season looking like they sucked now apparently DO NOT SUCK. The Cardinals and Cowboys could end up with the top two seeds in the NFC playoffs which is 100% not going to happen so don’t listen to people when they say that. Also the AFC is trash and the Seahawks might not make the playoffs despite being better than the whole conference. Anyway, last weeks picks were a disgusting 5-10, so let’s get this over with. ON TO THE PICKS! As always, home team is in caps.
San Diego +8.5 vs. DENVER
Pretty simple, I’m taking the Chargers because this line is too big and feels too reactionary based on last week. We already went over how Peyton Manning is a huge prick, but let’s not forget what an unforgivable hemorrhoid Philip Rivers is. He literally believes that fire will rain from the sky if two grown men kiss each other.
I picture him in a laboratory, holding up two anatomically correct male dolls, tapping their penises together a couple times, then throwing them to the ground in frustration. “IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!” Neither does the Bible, Phil.
Detroit -3.5 vs. ATLANTA
Alright, fuck Atlanta. I’ve had enough. What the fuck is wrong with this team? (SIDE NOTE: I just got some ghost pepper hot sauce in my eye and BOY IS THIS NOT FUN! I will be writing the rest of this column with one eye closed and in searing pain and you guys are in luck because if I do well this week my neuroses will force me to do it again next time!) Anyway, Atlanta can blame injuries all they want but this team needs a coaching change because Mike Smith died two years ago after the NFC Championship Game and dragging his rotting corpse around the sidelines for 16 games was funny last year but now it’s just cruel.
TAMPA BAY -2.5 vs. Minnesota
Chicago +6 vs. NEW ENGLAND
Well, I don’t trust the Pats to cover six points at home against any team who has a running back with at least one functional leg and Matt Forte may even have two so New England will have their hands full. I talked a lot of shit about Manning and Marino and Rivers being assholes and you may think I’m biased because they all play for teams that are typically my team’s “rivals.”
Well, you’re right, I am biased. But that doesn’t mean Brady is beyond reproach. He’s definitely not an asshole like those other guys though. He’s something different entirely. He gets fired up and yells at people every once in a while, but you can tell that nobody really takes him seriously. Tom Brady is like that kid in high school who is a spaz but his parents bought him a really nice car, so the other kids pretend to like him so they get rides in his car, but then they spill some shit in the backseat and he’s like “YOU GUYS MY DAD IS GONNA BE SO PISSED STOP LAUGHING THIS ISN’T FUNNY I WON’T GET TO GO TO NANTUCKET THIS SUMMER YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!”
So I guess in some ways being an asshole might be better…
KANSAS CITY -7 vs. St. Louis
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS THIS WAS ALMOST THE WORLD SERIES THAT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW BUT THOSE COMMUNISTS FROM SAN FRANCISCO RUINED EVERYTHING!!!! * makes jerk-off motion so hard that Reginald VelJohnson decides to drive his car up to investigate*
Seattle -5.5 vs. CAROLINA
This game is tough to call. It’s actually kind of a must-win for Seattle, whereas it looks like Carolina can walk away with their division at 7-8-1. Seattle didn’t even play THAT poorly in their loss on Sunday. They weren’t great, but teams have played worse and beaten this year’s Rams team. Also the way teams are scoring on the Panthers right now you would expect every player on the opposing offense to be standing in line at the end of the game waiting to turn in handfuls of tickets for giant stuffed alligators and inflatable baseball bats. I wouldn’t blame Cam Newton if he just walked onto the field wearing Beats headphones and took three knees on every drive, which would be fun because then we’d get to see all the creative ways shitty sportswriters would navigate their way around not calling him the n-word while strongly implying it.
Buffalo +3 vs. NY JETS
Oh Jesus Christ. Everyone was talking about how great Geno Smith played on Thursday against the Pats just because he didn’t accidentally jab the ball into the running back’s urethra every time he handed it off. If you had watched the game you would have realized that had the Jets run the ball on every play they probably would have won 35-17, and every time they decided to throw on 3rd down and 4 they ended up fucking themselves. But somehow now he’s going to pull out a victory against a team with a defense that is actually solid? Rex Ryan needs to sell his damn house and throw away all of his shirts and closed toed shoes because he’s going to be on a beach drinking Margaritas a week from Sunday.
Miami -6 vs. JACKSONVILLE
Uggghhhhh GREAT! Another week where I like mostly road teams. In all fairness, both of these teams are terrible and Florida should be dynamited and allowed to sink into the ocean, so does it REALLY matter which stadium they’re playing in? I’m pretty sure Florida’s football stadiums are the only places in the state that sex offenders are allowed to live because it’s the easiest way to get them into a place that regular citizens have no reason to ever be.
Houston -2.5 vs. TENNESSEE
FUCK IT WE’RE JUST TAKING ALL ROAD TEAMS HERE AND I DON’T EVEN FUCKING CARE BECA– USE MY EYE HURTS AND I’M NO GOOD AT GAMBLING ANYWAY AND EVERYTHING SUCKS AND I HATE YOU! But really, Tennessee just lost a professional NFL football game to Colt McCoy which is more embarrassing than losing your virginity to an actual colt.
CINCINNATI PK vs. Baltimore
Oh good, a battle for supremacy in the division that I’m pretty sure accounts for 90% of NFL arrests. The Bengals are probably a little better than they’ve looked the past few weeks. The Raves are probably a little worse than they’ve looked the past few weeks. They might actually be the same team, now that I think of it. Have we seen these two teams in the same place at the same time yet? I know they “played” in week one, but did anyone actually SEE it? Did they just submit a FALSE FLAG score so nobody asked any questions? I want Jesse Ventura on this immediately.
ARIZONA -2.5 vs. Philadelphia
Okay, I’m not buying Arizona as a contender, but for some reason nobody seems to be able to beat them at home anymore and this is baffling. What the hell kind of home field advantage could they have in their shopping mall of a stadium? Is it just that everyone wants to get the fuck out of Arizona so badly that they don’t care whether they win or not? That would be my number one guess. My number two guess would be chemtrails. OPEN YOUR EYES YOU CAN SEE THE DAMN PLANES!!!
Indianapolis -3 vs. PITTSBURGH
It’s one of those seasons where the Steelers will look like absolute shit for six weeks but they’ll manage to win half of those games and everyone will say “DON’T COUNT OUT THE STEELERS!” even though fucking of course you can count them out this team is terrible. The Colts will smash the Steelers. And if they don’t? “HOOO BOY HERE COMES THE TERRIBLE TOWEL!!!” * Steelers proceed to lose 40-7 at home to the Ravens in primetime, everyone goes home and puts french fries and coleslaw in their Nyquil*
CLEVELAND -7 vs. Oakland
Well, Cleveland had a beautiful chance to be sitting at 6-2 but they went and Clevelanded it up and lost to the Jaguars. It’s rare that Cleveland even has an opportunity to succeed, but when they do, boy do they know the fastest and most efficient way to fuck it up. I can’t wait to see how they manage to Cleveland the Lebron James signing. They’ll probably get to the NBA finals and then the city will vote to make basketball illegal. The Browns get to seek redemption against another 0-6 team this week, so don’t be shocked if between now and then they sell their stadium for some magic beans and have to play in the parking lot to a 0-0 tie.
Green Bay +1 vs. NEW ORLEANS
Well, I know New Orleans covered last week but fuck if I’m going to trust this goddamned team again. Everybody made a huge deal about Tom Brady’s decline until he put together a stretch of decent games, but why no uproar about Drew Brees? What the fuck is going on here? He’s not missing guys like Brady was, but he does not look threatening at all, unless you’re a Saints fan dreading an interception at a very inopportune time. He’s turning into the worst of Brett Favre, and because the yards are there nobody really seems all that worried. Well I am.
I’m worried about Drew Brees. I think he needs somebody to talk to. Somebody go talk to Drew Brees. Not me. I’m going to sit here and drink a beer, but if you want to go, sure.
DALLAS -10 vs. Washington
This SHOULD be the week I pick against Dallas and am finally right for once, but I can’t even trust Washington to cover a ten point spread in a division game which really says a lot about Dan Snyder’s Trail of Tears. First of all, who will be their quarterback? Second of all, does it really matter? Third of all, oh fuck me it’s the Gruden brothers on Monday Night Football again.
Good, I hope Jon has to analyze his brother’s team getting handed a 40 point loss by Jason Garrett and Tony Romo. I want him to run down onto the fucking sideline and fight him for the headset. I want Jerry Jones to get so drunk he falls out of the owner’s box and his stadium becomes his tomb. I want Dan Snyder to talk about how if “Redskins” is racist then that means “Cowboys” is racist too. I want Bobby Griffiths Jr. to grow a third leg so he has another ACL to tear. I want chaos. I want bedlam. But most of all, I will want to watch something else.