UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski
Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that has a cousin who knows a guy who one time saw a snake swallow a deer whole. No foolin’!
Alright, I’m starting to warm up, which means either I’ve learned all there is to know about the NFL this season or that I’m going to have an awful week to balance things out.If I were a gambling man, (and I am!) I would wager on the latter.
Who knew that last week’s most exciting games would be the ones that nobody wanted to watch because they were played by really shitty teams that nobody cares about?! Well congratulations, because this week we get plenty of shitty unwatchable games, so if logic holds then we should see numerous double digit comebacks, a handful of overtimes, and a dozen backup quarterbacks becoming superstars before our very eyes! Or… there will be a bunch of blowouts and home teams covering spreads and backup running backs rushing into the back of their linemen for two yards per carry. WE MAY NEVER KNOW!* *(We will know after Sunday)
The thing about the NFL is that we’re always learning things we could never learn anywhere else: ABUSING WOMEN AND CHILDREN IS WRONG! PINK SHOES FIX CANCER! SCOTT BAKULA STARS IN NCIS: NEW ORLEANS!
Well, that’s going to be the theme of this week. Things we can learn from each game. If you’re not always learning then you will never know any new things, and if you never know any new things then you will never stop playing KENO and do something with your life. Also how are you going to try out that new sex move that they just invented in China? You’re not, that’s how. And then all that ruthless Chinese sex will be had by people more open-minded than yourself. Such is the importance of education. Anyway, ON TO THE PICKS! As always, home team is in caps.
Indianapolis -3 vs. HOUSTON
No Thursday night game has been decided by fewer than 20 points this season which is ridiculous but not all that surprising since Thursday night football is designed to suck and it has not disappointed in this respect. Indy should be able to handle Houston, even on the road, because Andrew Luck somehow manages to play well even when he plays poorly. This game is for first place in the division but that division is the AFC South which is like being in first place in a contest to see who has the least amount of scabies. Basically what I’m saying is that everyone in this division has scabies and from this we can learn not to share towels or bedding with anyone who plays in this horrible terrible division that sucks and is bad.
Denver -8 vs. NY JETS
Geno Smith has developed into Black Mark Sanchez faster than Mark Sanchez even developed into Mexican Mark Sanchez. I don’t know how long Rex Ryan plans on keeping his job considering the Jets play Denver and New England in consecutive weeks but my guess would be two weeks. Next year he’ll be coaching in Oakland and maybe he’ll hire Jim Zorn as his offensive coordinator because awful failed head coaches seem to be his jam at the position. Then the Jets will throw an ass-load of money at Jim Harbaugh who will jilt them for the University of Michigan and probably have to settle for Josh McDaniels which as a Patriots fan would be really swell. In this game we can expect to learn the names of the players in the Jets secondary because the announcers will have to inform us who blew their coverage on Demaryius Thomas’ numerous 80 yard touchdown receptions.
CLEVELAND -2 vs. Pittsburgh
The Cleveland Browns are favored? Against the Pittsburgh Steelers??? WHAT A COUNTRY! Anyway, I actually like the Browns in this one, and not because I think they’re any good, I just think Pittsburgh is bad. Sure they covered last week against the Jaguars but they were also the first team to not score 100 points against the Jaguars, and if this offense can only manage 10 points against Jacksonville then they’re probably going to score -30 points against a real team. HAHAHAHA Oh man I just referred to the Cleveland Browns as a real football team. One thing we can learn from this game is that I need to lay off the booze and pills because holy shit this is the Cleveland Browns we’re talking about.
Jacksonville +5.5 vs. TENNESSEE
Oh my god what even the fuck?! And we get TWO of these this year?! No. No I’m putting my foot down. This is cruel. From this game we can learn the sound of one hand clapping. FUCK THIS GAME. If you watch it you should be committed.
ATLANTA -3 vs. Chicago
God what the fuck is it with these two teams? They SHOULD be decent, but they are NOT decent. I could have predicted this spread at the beginning of the season, but not because I expected these teams to be so fucking backwards despite each boasting wide receiver pairings that Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers would kill each other for. I guess in this game we’re going to learn which team is less awful and actually has an outside shot at the playoffs, but probably not because despite both teams having offenses that should torch the opposing defense, the final score will probably be 9-3 and then both teams will get kicked out of the league because that “will they or won’t they” shit hasn’t been tolerable since “Friends” went off the air.
Green Bay -3 vs. MIAMI
There are EIGHT road favorites this week because fuck me that’s why. How many of them am I going to pick? Well shit I’m 3 for 3 already so probably all of them because I hate money and love giving it to a shady Nicaraguan website. Miami sucks. They just suck, and I’m sick of trying to pretend they don’t because every fucking year this team is supposed to win ten or eleven games and they win six or seven. Maybe here we’ll learn if Green Bay has gotten their shit together and can beat these swamp-dicked orange pickers on their home field. Unless of course Aaron Rogers is killed by Cameron Wake when one of his tackles whiffs on a block.
MINNESOTA +1.5 vs. Detroit
HEY HERE’S A HOME DOG I ACTUALLY LIKE! Detroit has zero players left. Everyone died. As long as Zimmer holds to his plan of never letting Christian Ponder touch a football again (seriously, can’t he just walk away and live off his wife’s paycheck and play online poker all day? How is that worse than everyone in an entire state wanting you to fall down the stairs and break your pelvis?) I don’t know how Detroit is going to handle its injuries, but my guess would be “poorly.” Their only healthy running back is a guy named George Winn who I think tried to open a casino near all that trash water in Everett. I bet in this game we’ll learn exactly what the threshold is before Matt Stafford starts stress-eating entire ice cream cakes on the sidelines.
Carolina +7 vs. CINCINNATI
AJ Green was carted off the field in practice today which sucks for the Bengals because he is a very good player. This is the type of analysis I get paid for. I hate this game and these teams and while I’d like to take the Bengals after they got housed in New England, I don’t trust them to bounce back without their best player because I’ve always suspected that they’re not all that good. But do you know who else isn’t all that good? Carolina! I guess in this game we will learn who is less good. Without AJ Green my money is on Andy Dalton.
New England -3 vs. BUFFALO
FUUUUUUUUUUUCK. This is the kind of game New England is primed to lose, but I just can’t put my faith in Kyle Orton. This is another game for first place in a miserable division, and when the playoffs roll around and the 13-3 Chargers have to play at the 10-6 Bengals or 9-7 Patriots they would probably be real mad if their stadium ever had any people in it to cheer for them. One thing we can learn from this game is that if Buffalo wins they’re locked in with Kyle Orton at quarterback and that means they still won’t go to the playoffs. If New England wins everyone will just say “Yeah of course they won. It’s Kyle Fucking Orton.” And they will be right to say it.
TAMPA BAY +3 vs. Baltimore
There is no good reason for me to be picking Tampa Bay here. I have none. I can’t justify this pick, or even condone it. It is just something I felt inside me as I remembered how stupid Joe Flacco’s dumb face looked last Sunday. Here we will learn if I should base my picks off of how much of a dumb idiot the other team’s quarterback looks like. If that’s the case, then I’m never picking the Colts and Giants again, which may be unwise but I HAVE A SYSTEM!
San Diego -7 vs. OAKLAND
I mean, come on. Does Oakland have a coach? Did they bring in Gene Hackman? Is Gene Hackman still alive? If he’s alive, I bet he’s coaching the Raiders. Jon Gruden rumors are already in full swing which is hilarious because if your team is talking about hiring Jon Gruden then you are literally the worst team. “Jon Gruden can fix this! He’s got a .540 winning percentage! THE MAN WINS SLIGHTLY MORE THAN HALF HIS GAMES!!!!” Which in Oakland would be an absolute blessing I guess. On Sunday we’ll learn if the Raiders even show up for the game or if they all just kind of hung out in London smoking pot and getting really into Desmond Dekker.
SEATTLE -8 vs. Dallas
At some point the curtain is going to fall down on this Cowboys team and expose them for the underachieving clusterfuck we all know and love. That might not happen until DeMarco Murray stops swinging his dick around like he just bought it at Sears. Russell Wilson, however, might finally be the guy who can make his mark against this Dallas defense that is still starting a handful of guys that would probably be moving couches if Jerry Jones wasn’t losing his mind and spending all of his money on kickers. We can learn from this game that there is no God if Dallas wins, because nobody loves God more than Russell Wilson, which is why he spends all of his time at children’s hospitals, because that’s where God hangs out because God is a dick.
ARIZONA -3.5 vs. Washington
Logan Thomas might be starting for the Cardinals this week, and aside from his first touchdown pass he looked terribly over-matched against the Broncos. So how can he cover this spread against the Washington Goombas? Well, Washington hasn’t scored more than 17 points against a defense that wasn’t Jacksonville or Philadelphia, which is a little troubling since those defenses are ass. Maybe we’ll learn more about what Kirk Cousins is worth in this game because at this point he seems like Ryan Fitzpatrick only if Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Michigan State instead of Harvard. Kirk Cousins: A Dumb Ryan Fitzpatrick.
PHILADELPHIA -3 vs. NY Giants
This is another game that could go either way and I’m taking the home team because I’m a goddamned coward. Anyway, I would probably take the over in this game before betting the spread because Philly scores a lot of points and the Giants score a lot of points so both teams together will maybe score a lot of points. Or maybe they won’t! All I know is that I still have no interest in the NFC East and this division will come down to someone blowing a game in Week 17 to send another team in the division to the playoffs. One thing we can learn from this game is to stop putting NFC East games in prime time until Week 17 because any game before that means literally nothing until one of these teams fails spectacularly to ruin their chances at the postseason.
ST. LOUIS +3 vs. San Francisco
Sure, San Fran should take care of business in this game, but do you really trust them to do that? It feels like John Harbaugh is just mailing this season in so that the 49ers don’t want to bring him back and he can make $15 million a year at Michigan. The Niners’ offense has been kind of awful, and Austin Davis is apparently Brett Favre incarnate, throwing for 3 touchdowns and 3 interceptions in every game. St. Louis has been getting too close to keep failing, and San Fran has been skating by on shaky ground. Does any of this mean anything? Fuck no, but leave me alone. Nobody in St. Louis gives a shit about football until baseball is over anyway. I can’t wait until this team moves to LA. One thing we’ll learn from this game is whether or not Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos are threatening enough to get him shot by the police in Missouri or if we’ll have to wait a few years for the LAPD.
LAST WEEK: 9-6-0 * Rick Flair WOOOOOO noise *
SEASON TOTAL: 39-36-1
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