FAUX NEWS: 4 Hott Careerz that Will Lead You Straight to Easy Street—For Sociopaths!

Need a career change quick but just don’t have the time for things like ‘going to college’, ‘learning a trade’ or ‘getting out of bed’? Are you manipulative, lack morals & have trouble with personal relationships?  Then here are:

4 hott careerz that will lead you straight to easy street! 

 

 Slum Lord

A favorite of the young and old alike, being a slum lord is a great way to make a quick buck. Think being a traditional landlord is difficult? Not to worry! No building maintenance or upkeep is required! Whether you are renting to poor immigrants trying to make a living or to college kids who don’t know any better, you can skip it all! Bed bugs? Roaches? How do you know they didn’t bring those in? Functioning heat? Wear a sweater! Running water? Take a sponge-bath in the subway bathroom, you diva!

All you need to get started is a loan to buy some property. Don’t worry, you won’t have to pay it back. Paying bills is for plebeians. Plus, that lovely 2 family shithole you bought can be easily split up into 37.5 units! The money will just keep rolling in!

 

 

Nigerian Prince

Not actually a Nigerian Prince. (via honisoit.com)

Not actually a Nigerian Prince 
(via honisoit.com)

Not a prince? Not from actually from Nigeria? No problem! Through the magic of the internet you can be anyone! All that’s required is an email account and you’ll be rolling in cash, just like a pig rolling in the stuff that pigs roll in! (I’m assuming that it is also cash?)

Simply email several hundred people a bunch of lies detailing why they should send you money. Everyone knows that lying = money. It’s science.

Sure, telling someone they are related to a Nigerian prince who mysteriously died and left all their money to a relative they’ve never met doesn’t make much sense. But, you only need one person to believe that if they just sent enough cash to take care of the legal fees associated with the inheritance (even though they have never been to or heard of Nigeria) you can buy that new car!

Besides, your pesky Nigerian ‘lawyer’s’ car broke down and how exactly is he supposed to get to those giant piles of money, diamonds, rubies and also probably a big overflowing treasure chest that blows bubbles like in a fish tank to send to your victim? (cough. I mean client. CLIENT.)

How, I ask you? How? Your story is pretty much rock solid.

 

 Back Alley Abortionist

Not actually a doctor. (via cinefantastiqueonline.com)

Not actually a doctor. (via cinefantastiqueonline.com)

Remember all those bra burning hippies in the 1970’s who thought that women should have the right to proper reproductive health care? Crazy right? Well, those were simpler times. Recently, with the help of Jesus and 3rd party campaign contributors, us good old red blooded ‘MERICANs realized that women’s uteruses should be regarded like our National parks: They belong to EVERYONE in the US of A and there’s nothing that ‘MERICANs hate more than dead babies.

While no formal laws against abortion have been passed as of yet, why not stay one step ahead of the game? Become a back alley abortionist! Worried about expensive medical school debts, years of schooling and expensive surgical implements? No problem! All you need is a coat hanger and some gusto! You’ll have a virtually endless supply of scared weepy clients, (and you know how much women spend when they get all emotional, right?) Get ready for the good life!

 

 

Having Rich Parents

The most sure-fire way to have obscene piles of gold plated money is having rich parents. All you have to do is get born into a wealthy family, and that’s it! Once you’ve sauntered out of your mother’s diamond encrusted birth canal, you have one of  3 options:

  • 1) Follow in your family’s footsteps! Become the VP of whatever company(ies) your family owns. All you need to do is strut into your Dad’s office and saunter off to an amazing career of firing middle class employees and sailing on yachts with high-class call girls/boys!
  • 2) Live in Brooklyn (or similar hip area) and pretend to be artist. Find the smallest, most squalid apartment imaginable to see ‘legit.’ Spend half of your parent’s money on cocaine, and other half on brunch. Tell everyone you hung out with Lena Dunham before she was dumpy.
  • 3) Do absolutely nothing. Literally. Nothing. You are going to inherit it all anyway, so at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter.

 

There you have it!

Four, virtually effortless ways to have it all! It’s time to pull yourself up by your OWN glittering gold bootstraps (I’m assuming that’s what bootstraps are made of.) Anyway, this bag of blow isn’t gonna snort itself! Off to the yacht!



Christa Weiss

Christa Weiss is the editor & web mistress at UnSceneComedy.com. Christa performed in the 2014 Boston Comedy Festival and was the February 2014 Comic in Residence at the Comedy Studio in Cambridge, MA. She participated in the inaugural Chicago Women’s Funny Festival, the Women in Comedy Festival, the She Dot Comedy Festival, the North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival, the Cleveland Comedy Festival and is a featured performer on Rooftop Comedy. She produces Broad Appeal Comedy Night, a female-focused comedy show in Boston. She also appears in commercials for the New England Sports Network (NESN).