DICK PICKS!
UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski
Welcome to this year’s first edition of DICK PICKS!: the weekly online gambling column that leaks more than just nudes (sex juices.)
Well well well, since I last sat down to write about what a miserable infected meatus of a commissioner the NFL has, it seems that his wife/mistress had stopped sleeping with him long enough for him to rethink his stance on domestic violence. And bravo, the penalties are finally severe enough so as to not be completely laughable. It only took the collective rage of everyone outside the 410 area code to make him realize what a giant fuck up he had made, and this was even after he came out and assured everyone that he had not, in fact, fucked up. Let’s not give him any awards for doing the right thing after everybody screamed at him to do it for several weeks. I don’t give my dog a treat every time he doesn’t piss all over the floor.
Well enough about that rusty pubed clown. THE NFL SEASON IS OFFICIALLY HERE! Bookies everywhere are rejoicing as they finally get to talk to someone other than the four absolute degenerates who bet Major League Baseball. A lot has happened in the offseason/preseason. Revis Island (gross) is in New England, Demarcus Ware is in Denver, everyone got suspended, some old billionaires died, people gave Jay Cutler, Andy Dalton, and Alex Smith literally a quarter of a billion dollars, Jerry Jones said more players should be warriors or criminals or war criminals, and there was a gay guy for a little while (neat!)
But things change every offseason, and the only constant in the NFL is that the new season will provide at least two horrible teams a playoff spot, and send two good to decent teams crashing down to the top 10 of the draft. Who will it be this year?! Probably at least one of those teams that gave all that money the three dopey fucking quarterbacks listed above. ON TO THE PICKS! As always, home team is in CAPS.
Green Bay +6 vs. SEATTLE
Yes, I know, Seattle is loud, and they win all of their home games by a thousand points, but I feel like this is too many points to be giving Aaron Rodgers in prime time. Usually my Thursday strategy is to pick the better defense because of the short week and history of sloppy quarterback play, but the openers usually seem to buck this trend. This game could come down to who can keep their quarterback upright (spoiler alert: NEITHER OF THEM!) and since I don’t trust Seattle’s offense to be fully in sync, I’ll happily grab the points until I watch Aaron Rodgers get concussed on the first drive and try frantically to give them back.
New Orleans -3 vs. ATLANTA
I actually like Atlanta to improve this year, but this game is inside and you’re not beating the Saints inside this early in the season. Maybe in like nine weeks when Drew Brees gets bored and Rob Ryan is hungover from celebrating Halloween (every year he goes dressed as Captain Lou Albano) but not in week one. Plus nobody in Atlanta is going to go to a Falcons game until the Bulldogs embarrass themselves on the national stage and are eliminated from playoff contention. I’m not sure that anyone in Georgia even realizes the NFL is back. (THE NFL IS BACK, YOU GUYS!!!)
Minnesota +4 vs. ST. LOUIS
YEEEEESH. RIP Matt Cassell, murdered by Robert Quinn, which sounds like it came out of some kind of pirate book. This is a shitty matchup and it’s week one so again I’ll take the points, especially since nobody really knows what the fuck either of these offenses is going to do, and four may be the actual point total for the entire game. “BUT RICH ADRIAN PETERSON IS IN THIS GAME!!” And Norv Turner is calling his plays. Norv Turner is the football equivalent of condoms in a porno.
PITTSBURGH -6.5 vs Cleveland
OH BOY IT’S AFC NORTH FOOTBALL! WHERE DEFENSES ARE DEFENSIVE!! RUNNING BACKS RUN!!! AND ALL OF THE HOME CITIES REPRESENT THE DEATH KNELL OF THE AMERICAN DREAM!!!! The only thing I will predict about this game is that Cleveland will lose by seven although it will never feel that close, and Johnny Manziel will take his dick out and put a tiny hat on it.
PHILADELPHIA -10 vs Jacksonville
I will fully admit that I have FAITH in Blake Bortles. Good thing the Jaguars aren’t starting him! They’re going with Chad Henne who as we discussed previously is the NFL quarterback version of Dave Navarro. Nobody wants him, but since he looks the part and hangs around, he gets to keep being in bands. But your band NEVER wants to resort to Dave Navarro, even if he can occasionally pass the eye test as a rock star. Everyone knows that Dave Navarro sucks and is eventually going to fall apart and get fired. Once you resort to Dave Navarro you are fucked.
Oakland +5.5 vs. NY JETS
Okay, Oakland is one of the teams the Jets actually beat pretty handily last year, but what I’m PRESUPPOSING here, is fuck the Jets. I am not taking Geno Smith to cover more than a field goal in week one because I am not mentally ill (I am mentally ill, just not stupid.) Plus maybe Derek Carr is good? Did anyone ever think of THAT?! No? Okay fine. But the Jets’ best cornerback is Kyle Wilson and if you don’t know anything about Kyle Wilson know that he was their third best cornerback like two weeks ago and their cornerbacks were already ass. So there you go.
BALTIMORE -1.5 vs Cincinnati
God what the fuck is it about this division that makes even TALKING about them a tedious fucking chore? OH MY GOD GUYS WHO IS MORE ELITE JOE FLACCO OR ANDY DAL- * gunshot * Enough of that. I want this game to take place in the vacuum of space so that everyone involved would suffocate. It’s in Baltimore so the mortality rate will probably still be pretty high, but nowhere near ideal.
CHICAGO -7 vs. Buffalo
Kyle Orton returns to Chicago! He’s going to get sooooooo drunk you guys. So drunk. Rock and Roll. His team? Ehhhh nope. After this preseason I have begin to suspect that EJ Manuel might be a mannequin. Sammy Watkins looks like a beast when he actually gets to be on the field with the football but Bills fans need to be fucking terrified that they just gave up their 2015 first rounder for Percy Harvin 2.0. Good times in Buffalo! Chicago’s defense is trash but the Bills are fucking hopeless. 31-17 feels right on this one.
HOUSTON -3 vs Washington
Bobby Griffiths Jr.’s knee ligaments never even got a chance!!!! All the Washington fans wanted Kirk Cousins to start, so hopefully they enjoy his two series before Watt and Clowney end his season as well. Then it’s time to dig out Patrick Ramsey’s number.
KANSAS CITY -3.5 vs Tennessee
Well I am down on both of these teams this year and Alex Smith just got paid for some reason so it would make sense for him to immediately start shitting all over himself and his team, but let’s not forget that the Titans have maybe two talented guys on their roster and one of them is playing woefully out of position. Also Jake Locker! The man is made of lies told by junkies and will fall apart under even a stern look in the eye.
New England -4.5 vs MIAMI
Alright, I try to be more objective when looking at Patriots games because my bias is strong. The Pats have looked shitty in Miami in the past, especially when the humidity is bad, but that actually may work against the Dolphins this time out. The Pats showed in the preseason that they have depth. Not necessarily QUALITY depth, but enough bodies that won’t fuck up that they can handle the conditions.
Basically everyone in Miami’s second string is poison and they will play this game with the intention of never having to touch the poison but eventually they will have to suck it up and swallow some poison and then they will be sad.
TAMPA BAY -2 vs Carolina
Well, the only thing I like about this Panther’s team is Cam Newton and the linebackers, and since Cam is already broken and Tampa will mostly be going to the outside with Vincent Jackson and Mike Evans, this could be a long day for Carolina. This will be one of those nice wins that gets everyone on Lovie Smith’s side until he tries to use all of his timeouts at the same time to challenge an interception by his own team. Get ready for a whole week of the Lovie Smith bandwagon!
San Francisco -4.5 vs DALLAS
Easy math here. A touchdown is worth six points. Six points is more than 4.5 points. San Francisco’s defense will stop the Cowboy’s offense oh we’ll say at least twice. Dallas’ defense will not stop anybody, ever, not even by accident. So San Francisco will end up with at least six more points than Dallas. Tony Romo is going to throw 40 touchdowns and 40 interceptions on a 6-10 team and I personally could not be happier.
DENVER -7.5 vs Indianapolis
The Triangle Shitwaist Fire of 1911 & Luck’s offensive line are virtually indistinguishable from one another.
Okay so the Colts beat the Broncos last year in a pretty exciting game, but don’t expect the same here. The Colts will win 10 or 11 games because the AFC is where football goes to die, but they are not to be confused with a good football team. Basically, you have two 10-6 teams with the Colts and Bengals, but if you swapped Andy Dalton and Andrew Luck, you’ve got one 13-3 team and one team that should be put to sleep. Guess which one should be put to sleep? If Luck wasn’t somehow indestructible his Triangleshirt Waist Fire of an offensive line would have gotten him killed long ago.
Instead he will scramble around for three yard gains and throw a lot of ill-advised interceptions. This game is going to end up like 48-20 and everyone will talk about how DOMINANT and UNSTOPPABLE the Broncos are because they need to start hyping their eventual matchup with the Patriots NOW.
The Colts will be cheered for their effort and the story will be “Andrew Luck just got a lesson from the best!” when in actuality shit-head owner Jim Irsay should have gotten a lesson in building a decent fucking team (But he won’t! He’s suspended! For SIX GAMES!!! GINGER JUSTICE!!!) * does the jerk-off motion for so long that I win an award that didn’t even exist when I first started doing it *
DETROIT -6 vs NY Giants
ALRIGHT LIONS IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR WHERE YOUR SHITTY LACK OF DISCIPLINE COSTS ME MONEY!!!! I don’t know how the fuck they shoehorned this into the Monday night slot on opening weekend. Usually this is a game with some element of newness or excitement to it, but there is nothing new and exciting about these teams. Sure, Detroit has a new coach but his idea of excitement is using your outdoor voice inside. Eli Manning has a new offense that will allow him to, I don’t know, ride a bicycle on the field? At least give the poor guy a little joy before the fans drag him outside and shoot him.
I guess it must be against the law for the NFC East to be left out of primetime on opening weekend, so we get the fucking Giants vs the fucking Lions. Yay.
San Diego +3 vs ARIZONA
Nope. Not staying up until 2AM for this. Not a fucking chance. I mean, maybe if it’s the last game in a parlay or something. But PROBABLY not a fucking chance.
LAST SEASON TOTAL: 113-112-11 * dripping faucet *
PLAYOFF TOTAL: 7-3-1 *sound of MY DICK hitting the floor*
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