The Smut Critic: A Mystery Man Critiques All Things Awful

We here at UnScene Comedy have received an anonymous email from a person calling themselves the Smut Critic. I have decided to post it. The Smut Critic does exactly what you would think. He critiques adult movies. Enjoy.

– Shawn

If you do enjoy this sort of thing you can follow this person on twitter @SmutCritic

 

Hello degCriticenerates,  it’s the Smut Critic here.

 

You could spend minutes upon minutes foolishly wasting your time searching for just the right movie to provide inspiration for your manly needs, or you could stop by my blog first and I’ll tell you what to avoid.  And occasionally I’ll tell you what to definitely check out.

Now, as men we have limited time to spend browsing a seemingly limitless amount of pornography.  As much as we’d all like to spend our entire day on the world wide web cam, we have jobs that block WomanOnWoman.com and girlfriends that get annoyed when we aren’t listening because we’re watching WhatAGoodDarnWank.com and friends that pretend that they don’t watch WowThatsATonOfFreePorn.com.  I’ll try and help you maximize your returns by eliminating films that may not be up to snuff. (probably the wrong phrase).

The first film that I was asked to review was 1 night in China.

 

Hint One:  Avoid this movie if you are a fan of foreign films and have a specific affection for those from the far east.

 

The first thing that struck me about this film was the lack Chinese actors or actresses.  This was thoroughly disappointing.  So why is the movie called 1 night in China?  Well, simply because the professional wrestling diva named Chyna is the main character.  Remember her from 20 years ago?  How old is JR Huffman that he wanted me to review this?   This film starts out slower than Sloth from Goonies.  After 15 minutes of watching this chick not be naked we spend the next 10 minutes watching her be orally satisfied with the camera set in a way that allows you only to see the back and buttocks of the man putting in the work and nothing of Chyna.   I am beyond flaccid at this point I think it is traveling up into the body, my penis looks uncircumcised because it has been retreating like Napoleon from Moscow, the losses are huge.  I want someone to come in and hit her with a chair just to make it more exciting.

 

Hint Two:  If you get turned on by feet then you’ll love this because Chyna is definitely the heel in this cinematic adventure.

 

One of the major problems in the film besides the lack of any semblance of a plot or a lighting person or makeup person or dialogue, is the fact that it appears as though the producer attempted to be the actor, and camera man.  This is something that only porno people don’t understand.  You can’t be the camera man for a scene that you are acting in.  Not even Clint Eastwood tries to take on that much responsibility.  Most of the time it seems as though the camera has just been attached to an oscillating fan, it’s really tough to focus on anything.

I give this film five stars out of a thousand.  I think it’s fair that adult films are ranked as high as a thousand stars.  This is the worst 5 star movie I’ve ever seen.  I didn’t even have to take a break from writing this critique of an adult film.  That’s how bad it was.  That’s it for now.  Get back to building that hair doll of the girl in your office with the tiny boobs and although she once called you Kyle you’re pretty sure she knows your name is really Carl.  Hey wait,  how do you have that much of her hair?  Is she totally bald at this point.  Nevermind, I don’t want to know.



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