The Unsolicited Advice Column
– by Ted Pettingell
A weekly advice column with questions ripped from the headlines (of social media) and answered by our own delightful little scamp who probably hates you, Ted.
After a several week hiatus I have returned to give out advice to people who clearly weren’t looking for it. If you are wondering where I have been I will tell you. I was on a cross country speaking tour where I would eves drop on strangers until it sounded like the needed advice and then BAM! I would give them advice right in their face. Then they would ask me who I was and threaten to call security. A lot of lives were changed. So lets get to it.
The first question of the day is from @jaevionn: What empowers Jamaicans to speak with authority despite their ignorance? #questionoftheday
What are you even talking about? Give me one example of Jamaicans acting ignorantly sir. Are any of them even remotely as noteworthy as just a few of the innovations the people of Jamaica have given us. Innovations such as:
- Bob Marley
- and the Whalers
- Jerk Seasoning
- Cool Runnings
- An accent that makes advice seem much more credible, even if the person giving is driving a bus
No? I didn’t think so. Take you ignorance elsewhere sir, and direct it at an ethnicity that people know much less about. I would suggest Sri Lankans. If you could blame the Jamacians for one ignorant thing it would be popularizing dread locks and not realizing dirty white people would totally co-opt them.
White guys with dread locks are unforgivable, but I’m not going to blame the proud people of Jamaica for that. Most of the blame goes to the terrible parents who allowed their children to grow up to be filthy hippies. I and I hope this will help you work through your intolerance and move on with your life.
Our second question of the day is from @leathalmic: Am I still a man if I cried at the movie “Fault In Our Stars” ? #QuestionOfTheDay
What a terribly sexist question. Why because only a woman can be emotionall about things? I also got very emotional at the fault is in our stars. I didn’t go see it or read the book, I just cried at the idea that it exists. I had to Wikipedia it and either some twisted person made some edits to the article or this is one of the most depraved pieces of fiction in existence. Now, there are going to be spoilers coming up but I won’t be spoiling the story, just your sense of well being.
“The Fault is in Our Stars” is book/movie about teenagers dying of cancer and boning each other. Now I’m not condemning teenagers with cancer for boning, thats what’s god wills to do if HE exists. But the idea that grown, perfectly healthy adults idea of escapism is dying before your time and getting boned by someone else who is about to die you is completely disgusting. What other sick sort of shit are you into? What about if someone wrote a book about a blossoming romance between to pitbulls in a dog fighting ring that are eventually forced to fight each other to the death.
Seriously, you should all be ashamed of yourselves, and that’s coming from me, and fire gives me boners.
Last question of the day is from @jasonfarone, he asks: After scrolling through pages and pages of inane drivel, have you EVER seen anything online that truly changed your life? #QuestionoftheDay
Well Jason you clearly aren’t following @tedpettingell on twitter, otherwise, I totally agree with you.
As always (as of the last time I wrote one of these) I encourage you to follow me and everyone of these people who asked questions on Twitter. While we’re at it, follow the entire UnScene Comedy staff (of volunteers) except Rich Karski, that guy is the worst.
(Editors Note: You should follow us. Seriously. ESPECIALLY RICH KARSKI.)