This One Weird Thing: Going to an All Girls Catholic School

reddress_unsceneThis One Weird Thing: Going to an All Girls Catholic School

I know a lot of weird things. This column explains why.

by Christa Weiss

 

 

 

‘ZOMG hottt Catholic School girl sexytimes!’ You think. You are wrong friends, so very, very wrong.

I went to Catholic school my entire life, but my high school was the only part that was single sex. Most kids my age would cringe at the idea of going to one, but I actually chose to…kinda. This is mostly because I was so deeply entrenched in loserdom, that all I wanted to do was escape from the people I went to junior high with.

 

Junior high, for me and so many others, was a particularly awful time in my childhood. I was awkward and shy, got good grades and I had no idea how to put myself together or figure out which kind of clothing I was supposed to wear in order to not be made fun of. Once I bought a pair of Airwalks and starting swearing non-stop, my situation immediately improved, but it still wasn’t fun. I was an easy target because my ‘go fuck yourself’ balls hadn’t quite dropped yet, so I just usually sat there and took whatever shit some prepubescent asshole wanted to rain down upon me. It sucked, not too many people there were particularly smart and I was sick of being sexually harassed by people who could barely spell. (This happened, by the way, to every girl that went there. I’m not sure if anyone ever spoke up, but no one ever did anything. Catholics are great at that.)

 

Most people from my junior high went to the co-ed Catholic school afterward, so logically, when the time came to decide, all I wanted to do was escape from those people. (Note: If you went to All Saints Catholic Junior High during the late 90s, you were probably an asshole and probably I still hate you.) ANYWAY, as much as I liked boys, I figured I had no hope of ever dating anyone ever (even back then I was a little ray of sunshine), so by default I ended up where everyone else wasn’t, the lesbian school across town.

 

At this point I would like to note that my school wasn’t officially named “the lesbian school across town” but that’s what everyone who didn’t go there called it. It was called Our Lady of Mercy and it was ok. And yeah, I’ll get to the lesbians.

 

There’s a lot of dumb sexual fantasy shit out there about going to an all girl school, and because I love crushing boners as much as I love crushing stereotypes, I will say this: Most of us were kind of gross.

 

This has literally never happened in the history of ever. Also that girl is like 25.

This has literally never happened in the history of ever. Also that girl is like 25.

 

Part of it was our uniforms. No, we didn’t have cute little plaid skirts. We had these horrible, navy blue scratchy polyester pants topped with a baggy polo shirt. A skirt was an option in the warmer months, but this was upstate NY, in a drafty 100 plus year old building that partially still functioned as a convent, so the opportunity rarely presented itself. When it did I usually wore my skirt with combat boots, which was frowned upon, but somehow wasn’t technically violating the dress code. The administration was arbitrary strict about our uniforms, and one of my friends got sent to the principal’s office for wearing a brightly colored scarf because it was “Non-conducive to a learning environment.”

 

Also I think they just didn’t like her.

 

It wasn’t just the uniforms though…we were just gross on our own. What motivation is there to look good when there are no dudes there to impress? I didn’t shower quite as regularly as I could have, I didn’t pay too much attention to my hair and I never wore makeup. We were liberated. Smelly and liberated.

 

The one thing that was really interesting about an entirely female demographic, is harassment-wise the tables had suddenly turned. We were boy-crazy teenage girls, after all. Sure, there weren’t any dudes at our school, but we certainly had an ample supply of victims…I mean crushes.

 

Because Catholic schools don’t pay very well, they usually get a lot of new teachers, fresh out of college. As a result there ended up being a lot of young male teachers at our school. They would never last very long, because there is only so much torture-flirting one person can take. One guy in particular started off as a handsome, doe-eyed kid, right out of college. By the end of the year (presumably as a manner of self-defense) he had grown a giant scary beard (this was before beards were cool) and communicated exclusively in barks and grunts.

 

Our penchant for sexual harassment didn’t just focus on the staff however. There was also 19 year old janitor who we lovingly nicknamed ‘Sugartits’ that girls would chase around in the halls. Were we repressed, school girl sex fiends? No. You could find people to date at our brother school. What we liked was the power.

 

Do I think that sexually harassing a guy is okay? HELL YES!…I mean no. No, is what I mean. But I can certainly understand the appeal. If nothing else it was nice to see them get a taste of their own medicine.

Sexual harassment is bad. But it is also fun, (if you’re on the right side of it.)

 

Things never really went too far between teachers and students, until this one time, things went too far. This wasn’t a sexual harassment thing either. My old Spanish teacher tutored students in the early mornings before class. There was this one student who he took a particular interest in. He was 60, she was 14 and one day they took him out of school in handcuffs and we never saw him again.

 

See, this is what happens when you sexualize schoolgirls. I hope you’re proud of yourselves.

 

Now, on to what presumably everyone is here fore. Lesbians. Yes, there were some girls who were lesbians. ‘A lot?????’ You ask. ‘Were they making out all over the place, like in all of my dumb jerk off fantasies? ZOMG TEH SEX!’ You ask, or declare or whatever the fuck it is you are talking about.

No.

I believe that there were the average amount of lesbians.

At first at least. Not too many people actually chose to be there, so per capita, it would be whatever the average percentage of lesbians is in the population at large…until someone found them out.

 

Every once and a while there’d be a girl who would get kicked out of our school and no one really could figure out why. Several years and Facebook sexuality statuses later, we’ve made some inferences. What we think happened, is a few girls, here and there, that got kicked out of school because there were caught in the act, so to speak. Catholics are notoriously terrible, and I’m pretty sure this is illegal, so instead the school would use some other excuse to expel them.

 

Not too much hot lesbian action when you get thrown out of school for it. Not cool. I have no real way of verifying these events, but if you get sent to the principal’s office for wearing a scarf, it wouldn’t surprise me if you got kicked out of school for kissing a lady.

 

Despite the strictness the staff was fantastically naïve. You could do anything if you knew how to get away with it.

We snuck a guy into school once, dressed up as a girl, Mrs. Doubtfire-style…and got away with it. For real.

 

I’m not exactly sure how we came up with the idea or how we got him to do it, but we convinced my friend’s cousin to sneak into class during our school’s field day. He was short and slight, so a wig, some fake tissue titties and one really bizarre sleepover later, he ended making a pretty good looking lady. We brought him to school, hid him in the bathroom during homeroom and snuck him in the back of our classes for the rest of the day. I’m not sure how the hell we pulled it off, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t brilliant. When there’s a limited amount dick around, there’s no real reason fight with each other, so we got up to some pretty interesting things.

 

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My friends Catherine, Katie and I at our high school graduation, before I had lost all hope for my future.

So did going to an all girl’s school empower me in some way? Did it make me the strong lady-person I am today?

 

Maybe, but probably not.

 

What my school did do was really make me hate both organized religion and feminism*. Although, I would have denounced Catholicism either way (13 years of Catholic school will do that to a person), I never had any particular feelings towards feminism until I had it shoved down my throat.

 

I was, essentially, skull-fucked by feminism.

 

I blame my English teachers, who I would also like to point out, did nothing more me as a writer either. Instead of reading the classics we read a bunch of hokey coming of age stories where women got their periods and then got raped and then got there periods some more. (I wrote an entire essay about it here.) We never did any creative writing…like at all…ever. What we did have to do was write a bunch of essays about said lady books. Because my teachers were so predictably biased, I stopped reading the books completely and just spit their opinions back to them. I always got A’s.

 

So, a note to my English teachers, who may want to take credit in the future for my career as someone who abandons their job in far fetched hope that my mediocrity as a comedian/writer, is slightly less mediocre than someone not as motivated as I am: Suck my dick.

 
So yeah, all girls Catholic school. It was fine. Then I left. It wasn’t sexy at all. Sometimes I felt that I missed out on the ‘real’ high school experience because my school was so non-traditional. But whatever. I went to a college that was 75% male, so it basically evened out anyway. Too many get people get hung up on their high school years, because that is when they peaked. But I’ve got shit to do. Even if it’s just a ridiculous fantasy, at least it feels like it’s going somewhere.

 

So, I guess if nothing, it made my ‘go fuck yourself’ balls drop. So, you know, go fuck yourself.

 

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*Note to every feminist about to write me an angry letter: I completely support the idea of feminism in that chicks can do anything dudes can do. What I don’t like is ‘isms’ of any kind, be it religious or ideological, because many people use ‘isms’ as an excuse to purport their own personal agendas, (often INSANE personal agendas). I don’t want to be associated with that. I am perfectly capable of forming my own opinions without having a labels attached to them. I don’t like labels because labels paint people into corners and result in long stupid arguments on the internet.

Also, seriously, you guys need to fucking lighten up.

 

 

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Christa Weiss

Christa Weiss is the editor & web mistress at UnSceneComedy.com. Christa performed in the 2014 Boston Comedy Festival and was the February 2014 Comic in Residence at the Comedy Studio in Cambridge, MA. She participated in the inaugural Chicago Women’s Funny Festival, the Women in Comedy Festival, the She Dot Comedy Festival, the North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival, the Cleveland Comedy Festival and is a featured performer on Rooftop Comedy. She produces Broad Appeal Comedy Night, a female-focused comedy show in Boston. She also appears in commercials for the New England Sports Network (NESN).