– by ‘Ted’ ‘Pettingell’
A weekly advice column with questions ripped from the headlines (of social media) and answered by our own delightful little scamp who probably hates you, Ted.
Hello readers and reading enthusiasts,
It’s me, Ted Pettingell, here with another round of unsolicited advice, handed out by me, Ted. Before we get started, I wanted to take the time, like I do every week, to tell you that Rich Karski is a jerk. All he does is stand around looking cool and dangerous, like maybe he’s a student of rock and roll and martial arts and he’s probably real good at making out with chicks and I bet his hair smells good. It’s like: We get it Rich Karski. You’re cool and dangerous, and maybe a little part of us wishes that we could be you, but that ship has sailed and you don’t have to go rubbing our faces in it all the time. Man, that guy is the worst.
Anyway, back to Ted’s column. Which is written by me, Ted Pettingell, like it usually is. I think it’s about time we got to the questions, because I’m sitting here making a whole fuckton of barbeque and I wouldn’t want it to get over-barbequed or the meat will go sour. Sour like your face. On to the questions. I’m Ted.
Our first question comes from my editor @christaweiss, who is a woman. A woman editor, you guys. Can you imagine?! She writes: “Come on guys, the only thing I really want in life is to be a prettier, more honest Lena Dunham. Is that so much to ask?”
Well, no Christa, it isn’t, but is that REALLY what you want? You already have a perfectly serviceable boyfriend named Ted, who is me, who likes you the way you are. Would you really want to jeopardize that by acting like Lena Dunham? If I were your boyfriend, which I am, because like I said before, I am Ted, then I would not want you to be anywhere near as insufferable as Lena Dunham. (Editor’s note: Wait…Ted? Are you being (kind of) nice to me? Is this really happening? I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S REAL ANYMORE!!!)
Maybe you should aim to be a prettier and more honest Don Cheadle, because Don Cheadle seems like an awesome guy who I would probably love to hang out with and if I wouldn’t, then I’m an even bigger asshole than I thought I was. Although, if Don Cheadle were to ever hang out with me, he would probably cross paths with that scoundrel Rich Karski, whose unique blend of charm and attitude would cause Don to abandon me and make Rich Karski his new best friend. They would probably do real cool stuff like drive racecars together and wear matching suits and have cool interracial nicknames for each other like Riggs and Murtaugh or Crockett and Tubbs but they’d flip the names around so Rich Karski would be the black one and Don Cheadle would be the white one so that it was a funny joke and not at all racist.
So either way, don’t be like Lena Dunham, and if you’re reading this Don Cheadle, you should probably just skip me, Ted Pettingell, altogether and go be friends with Rich Karski because it’s basically inevitable anyway and you’d both have a really great time.
Our next question comes from @ThomCrowley who could just as easily call himself “Tom” and save literally every person who has ever written his name for the first time the trouble of having to be corrected by a foppish Harry Potter lookalike, but listen guys, it’s all about HIM.
tHom writes: “I’m a single issue voter, my single issue is we should rename Mount Rushmore the Old Men on the Mountain. WHERE’S MY VOICE WASHINGTON?!”
Well Tomb, as a millennial, your voice in Washington has probably been silenced by the millions of baby-boomers shouting about how lazy and entitled you are. The other option is that maybe your voice would be louder if you weren’t clamoring for approval of your esoteric jokes about New Hampshire geology. Either way Thong, my advice for you is to fistfight me, Ted Pettingell. The next time you see me, possibly at the bar after softball on a Tuesday night, just get real good and loaded and then take a swing. I might seem surprised at first, but I need you to know that I am expecting this, and I WANT THIS. You need to wait until there is an impartial referee present to make sure that the fight is fair and that there are plenty of pictures and video to be shared on social media.
I nominate Rich Karski, because even though he is a loose cannon who doesn’t play by anybody’s rules but his own, he is also wise and just. Despite my animosity towards him (which is clearly driven by jealousy because let’s face it my hair isn’t anything special and I don’t even smoke cigarettes) I believe it is essential that he be present for these fisticuffs. I look forward to meeting you in battle.
Finally, we come to our last question.
This one comes from the founder of UnScene Comedy, Mr. @ShawnCarters himself.He writes: “When you’re at work and it’s kind of slow do your colleagues try to sneak up behind you and stick things in your butt?”
HAHAHA CLASSIC! I, Ted Pettingell, love this sort of humor. Shawn, I would advise you to get back at your coworkers with some hilarious pranks of your own. Maybe tell them to read some of Rich Karski’s articles on UnScene. ZING! Although, they may not understand the true depth of his subversive absurdist humor. But seriously, tell them to read all of it.
Now, my coworkers at BJ’s would never try this sort of thing, because I generally walk around the store with a look on my face that says I am one false move away from starting America’s next great gun control debate. You work at a car painting factory or whatever, so maybe use the tools at your disposal to exact your revenge. On break, maybe take one of your car painter dealies out to the parking lot and paint some swastikas all over their car. Or wait until they take a break from painting a car, and then paint swastikas on THAT car. No matter which way you approach it, I, your good friend Ted, advise you to go around painting swastikas on basically anything you can get your paint on. After you finish your awesome prank that was totally my (Ted’s) idea, please be sure to call me (Ted) and let me know how it went.
Well that’s about all the advice I can handle giving this week. I have to go angrily sit in a chair. As always, I am most definitely Ted Pettingell.
Image was pulled from a Bing Image search of “funny” and “Mount Rushmore” If you are the owner of the image and would like credit or to request it be taken down please contact please contact UnScene here.